Time for a new thread. It has been over 6 months since D day for me and NC has been in place. A is over.

BH and I have been getting along pretty good (in my opinion)but last Wed. evening he says that he wants a D. Then, the next night he says the same thing. BH says that he is not happy, doesn't want to live the rest of his life like this, we don't have anything in common and aren't compatable and that he would just rather be single.

Nothing else said about it on Friday. He had to work Saturday and always calls me on his break. I told him that I was hoping we could discuss this some more over the weekend and he said we would. Sunday, he was off and we had a pretty good day. Went out and did some things, went to lunch, etc. Nothing else said. So, now he's back into his stringent work week and not another word.

Is this a normal thing? Does he really want a D? I'm very confused.

We now live in another state and I don't work so, I'm wondering if he really does want a D then what is he waiting for?

What do I need to do at this point?

FWW--me 44
BH--52
D Day 8/30/08
NC in place.

Six months is generally about the time that the anger REALLY sets in for the BS. At first, their main concern is breaking up the affair, getting past it, getting WS home and working on recovery. Most of the time it's BS doing most of the work. When things finally settle down a little, the BS begins to realize all the sh#t they've been through and the anger hits.

As we say to BSes around here about their WS, watch what they DO and not what they SAY.

Sometimes it takes a LONG LONG time to get past this. Some say two years and some say longer. I'm 5 years out and I still think about it sometimes.

Thanks PrincessMeggy. I appreciate that reminder. But, what if my BH just up and wants a D and doesn't want to give it the LONG, LONG time that it is going to take?

Does it matter?

Weather he does or not, you wronged him. Do what YOU can do to save your marriage, weather it will or not is up to him, not you.

Thank you Gack for your sincere support...

I think you missunderstand me.

My WW and I had a simillar discussion to this after our first or second or 23rd, or whatever number false recovery it was.

She basicly said "Why should I try, you could just give up at any time" I just had to shake my head at that. I had busted my but for over a year trying to break up her affair and recover my marriage, but she was affraid to put any effort into recovery because I might decide to give up.

I heard an echo of that in your post.

Your husband could decide tomorrow to wake up and just go file for devorce. But don't let that possability affect what YOU are doing to try to recover your marriage. You can't controll him, but you can controll yourself. Be the best wife you can be, thats all you can do.

If you give up on trying becouse he hits a low spot in your recovery, I predict a 100% chance of failure.

But if you work with him and help him through this, your chances of recovery are preatty good.

When he indicates he intends to divorce, then you merely acknowledge that as his right. That nobody deserves what you have done to him but, from this day forward...until that day, God forbid, that you actually DO divorce you are going to attempt to be the best wife you can possibly be.

He can have sex whenever, however and whereever he chooses (obviously within limits). That you will go with him anywhere he wants and try to undertake some activities that he enjoys and find a way to enjoy them together. In fact, as a demonstration of such...you scored him two tickets to (fill in the blank but some activity you know he'd enjoy) for friday night.

I encourage you to take care of yourself. The stress of the last 6 months usually indicates a weight gain, depression, lethargy. Get active and get yourself in shape. Diet and excercise. If you can get husband to do it with you that would be great.

You don't have to push relationship talk. If you meet his emotional needs...you will be making deposits in his love bank whether he wants you to or not. When you tell him that you are just going to be the best wife possible for as long as it takes and say you'll do anything...add the caveat...you'll do everything but give up. You won't give up until the ink on any divorce papers are dry. I think this is important as a betrayed spouse has suffered a huge self-esteem hit and they often will test your resolve to stick it out...no matter what. They want to see if you REALLY intend to stand by them no matter what or if this is just another passing fancy/desire of yours (like OP). Pass the test and don't stop fighting for your marriage.


Another thought...perhaps your husband sees recovery as a struggle. It's NOT. It's a beginning. A beginning of a new relationship better than anything previously known to either of you. THAT is something to be excited over. The MB recovery plan is NOT endless talking and rehashing of what happened and why it happened. Instead it's an ACTION plan wherein the two of you spend hours together doing hopefully FUN things you both enjoy and deliberately meeting each other's needs. Why would he not like that??? It's NOT misery and it's not touchy/feely all girlie like pyscho-babble. It's practical and straightforward. Take actions together and the feelings (and compatibility) will follow.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks...point taken.

I KNOW that I wronged my husband. I KNOW all these things already.

I asked for suggestions on things that I could do better or at all.

Maybe from a BH's point of view instead of you just punching me in the nose to see me pop back up again you could tell me some of the things that your WW could have done to make things better for you?

Wouldn't that be a bit more constructive?

That is what I was asking for...some constructive HELP...not wayward bashing. It is what it is--it's done and the A is over and has been.

I don't want my H to D me so, if you could from a BH's point of view give me some pointers....that would be great...
Did you want to D your WW? Did you D your WW? Tell me what could she have done to make things better for you...

Thank you Mr. Wondering. Stated like a true professional. That was what I was looking for.

I do greatly appreciate your insight and wisdom on this subject.

Wanted to add...

Find things to DO.

Men like activity. Schedule stuff and avoid sitting around doing nothing. Fill your lives with life and activity so he doesn't even have time to dwell on your supposed incompatability.

Feelings follow action...take action. Don't wait around for him to make plans, nag him to get out with you and do things or push HIM to make decisions ...make them yourself (respecting and seeking his POJA input).

Go grocery shopping. Go to parks, art museums, the beach, the movies, dinner, the gym, the neighbors. Maybe have a party for the neighbors and grill out dogs. If you guys used to party when you dated...go out drinking. etc.

Mr. Wondering

get him so busy he'll be so overwhelmed and sexually satisfied he won't have the time or energy to even seek out an attorney to get the divorce rolling.

The more time you buy and the more you can fill his love bank before he files...the better.

AND...if he files...DON'T GIVE UP.

Continue to indicate that even though he's filed (or is definitely filing) that TODAY you remain married and that if it's going to end...at least let's try to end it with a bang.

You'll have plenty of time to feel sorry for yourself if, indeed, you do divorce so resist the urge to feel down about things until there is something to truly feel down about. Being a downer is NOT attractive to your BH at all and is a love buster.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering--you're awesome...

Truly helpful information and I really appreciate it. That's what I was talking about!!!

Points of view and suggestions from BS's.

Thanks again.

Do everything in your power to show him you made a mistake, to show him that he is the most important thing in your life. Show him that he is the only one.

No, and No

Hard to say.

Just try. If it is sincere, it is usually enough.

Some excellent advice you are getting. Not to be a downer, but is it possible he may experiencing some fog of his own, as the result of a possible EA or PA out of revenge, or in a moment of weakness while he has been waiting for you to re-engage in the marriage.

Is his time accounted for? Is he transparent? Has he become less engaged in the marriage? I am not wishing you ill will, but that remark about wanting a D out of the blue is perhaps a red flag.

Gack--thanks. That was helpful.

Shattered--I was sort of wondering the same thing. Just the way it was out of the blue and the comments he was making about how he isn't happy, we weren't compatable and he would rather be single.

His time is accounted for. He works long hours (12 hours per day) 6 days a week so other than going to work and coming home, his time is accounted for. I don't believe there are many (if any) females where he works. So, I don't really think that is the case. But, I guess it's always a possibility. He is sort of a tit for tat kind of person but I really don't think that he has done anything...

OK, I'm only two weeks into recovery attempt number 5 or 6, so take my response with a grain of salt. My wife is experiencing heavy withdrawal symptoms and depression. It's hard to take at times, but standing back, I think she's trying very hard to just do the right thing.

That's not enough for a BS. I agree, after 6 months, the WS probably really wants to put it behind them. They don't want to be reminded that they screwed up at every corner. But the BS is saying, "Wait, is that it? Just bury it in the past? I don't feel much better."

When my wife asked me to give us one more chance, I told her that actions speak louder than words. That night, she looked at me with the same loving admiring eyes that she did when we were first together. That did it for me. If I could have that again, that's what I would be willing to stick around for. Anything less, and it was over.

Husbands want to be admired. They want to be on a pedestal in our wife’s mind. Same goes for wives. An affair destroys every last bit of that feeling for the BS. Give it back to him in any way you can. Make him feel like The One. This is what anyone wants in marriage, and we had it at the beginning. Can you do that again?