OK-- WH and DD15 spent some time together today. First time in 57 days that they've visited, although she did see him at one of her basketball games in January.

After I posted this morning, I talked with DD. I said I knew how much she was missing WH and suggested that she ask him to get together with her today. She told me that she didn't want to talk about it, so I left it alone.

About an hour later, she pops in my room to tell me that WH was picking her up for lunch. So they left together. I stayed out of sight.

She's at grandparents now, so don't know how it went.

Other kids did not see WH. DS17 was here doing homework, and DD16 was at church meeting.

All DD15 said was they went to Taco Bell and WH let her practice driving. That's it. Otherwise, she seemed to be in a good mood.

As for the family meeting -- DS17 was angry and short with me. He didn't want me to ruin dinner by talking about things like curfew and boyfriends while he was eating.

Then he said that it didn't matter what I said, he was going to stay out as late as he wanted. He said that WH had said that senior year he would have no curfew. I started to say -- but he jumped in to mimic me -- "Dad's not here. He doesn't live here anymore."

Then he said I don't enforce curfew anyway. [I guess this is true. I'm pretty flexible if they have a good reason for being late or staying longer to finish watching a movie or something.] I said I'd start grounding him from his truck if he continued to not follow my rules.

He did make one comment about living in this "house of girls." And I feel for him. He and WH were so close until the A was exposed over a year ago. Now there is nothing between the two of them -- absolutely nothing.

And WH had opportunity after opportunity to repair their relationship. And WH repeatedly told me that I could have done more to fix it (like it was my fault!). But repair could never have happened if WH thought he might -- just might -- choose the OW over me.

So...I should have known all along that that "lack of effort" to fix his relationship with his son was the true test as to whether he was commited to fix it with me. But me -- being in denial and hopefulness -- I told myself that if the relationship between WH and me gets fixed and back on track, then the kids would follow. The M needed to get healthy first.

Boy, was I looking at the wrong dial!

A soft answer turneth away wrath.

That soft answer your son needs to hear is that while he's right - dad doesn't live here anymore, doesn't mean that basic fundamental rules of conduct and respect are gone. That you haven't enforced curfew because he's a good son and hasn't needed a harsh hand, and you hope that this trust can continue to be in your relationship. He needs to know that you trust that while he's very angry about things, he won't compromise himself by all of a sudden being a disrespectful and self destructive "child" - that you are there for him to vent and express his frustrations. That you recognize that he needs more from you than in the past, and that you are stepping up to do that - hence the boundaries AND the trust that he will not demean himself. Let him know how proud you are of him - he needs to hear it because deep down, he's feeling he didn't measure up to dad cause dad left - so why try.

Thanks for the advice, KA.

No fallout from the family meeting. I think DS17 may have been venting since WH made an effort to only see DD15 on Sunday but no one else. WH knows that DD15 is the softy of the bunch and the others will be hard nuts to crack.

And I am so very proud of DS and the girls. They are helping more around the house. DS just got another college acceptance, DD16's basketball coaching job ends this week, and DD15 just started on the swim team. And they're all keeping up their grades. And I do tell them how proud I am of them. We are all adjusting to life without Dad.

And if I'm really honest about it, they are much more relaxed without Dad around. It was difficult for all of us living in the same house with him once the A was exposed. Likely because he was still wayward and selfish and not committed to making our family his priority. WH changed soooooooo much from the man he used to be. Amazing how an A steals a man of his goodness and leaves behind a stranger.

I will work on speaking softly, KA. This can be one of the self-improvement areas I actively work on during this Lenten Season.

Who was it that said...speak softly and carry a big stick?

You just do that.


Things will fall into place.

You should discuss this with DS17, and tell him that you think it's because he's such an honorable and strong person, that his dad is afraid to face him. He could probably use some strokes about now.

Agree with cat on that one. I notice that when D28 talks to her father and D15 finds out about it, she gets a little chip on her shoulder. I know she is angry at him but she does love him. But I think it will be a very long time before and ever she reconciles with him and H is starting to realize that.

Teenagers can be tough. But you are doing a good job keeping them grounded while their father is in lala land.

I'm trying to protect finances -- well -- what little $ that's left.

IM not available, so I sent simple text to WH this morning: "Status of tax return?"

Turned into a 2 page text tirade. Said I was being a "busy little bee" digging into finances. Said to watch how hard I push him. Said it can be done the easy way or the hard way.

OK -- I just wanted to know status of tax return. But I guess I know the answer. He's pissed return away ($11K) either gambling or trying to impress OW or supporting his second family. Either way, I won't be seeing my share anytime soon.

So do I do something about it now? MB'ers say to let him push through the D. Let him do the leg work. But protect finances.

Legal advice, anyone?

Is it really a "moot" point since I know how much the tax return is and it will all get settled when we get to court? I know tax returns are considered a community asset and I'm entitled to 50%.

Do I just be patient, document what I can, work with attorney when needed, and don't push for the money now? In other words, he can't really "steal" it because he'll end up owing it to me eventually? Or am I being naive that this will even come up in court?

And he's being so ANGRY at a little question. Me think he protests too much. He's acting like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar. Is this good?????

I guess I'm ready to move from Plan B to Plan FU.

OK -- WH filed for D and I responded. And I'm staying dark except for inquiry regarding tax refund.

Tax refund should have arrived and was to be directly deposited into WH's account. BIG MISTAKE that I didn't catch this when I signed the return. Should have had check sent instead since that would have required both our signatures to cash. {NOTE TAX LESSON FOR OTHER BSs}

My fear is that WH is gambling or spending the money on OW, and if I don't get my share right away, it will disappear. So I started with a simple "Status of tax refund?" text message which he responded in a non-answer and a tirade. Then I sent an email thinking this would at least provide documentation that I sent another request. This resulted in an even worse tirade.

WH says he's basically keeping all $11K for "bills." He had told me that we would split the refund, but told his dad that he wanted all to go to DS for college. Either way -- HE LIED... He's now keeping it for himself to do with however he wants.

Now what do I do?

Oh -- and his response included other things, too. He said he's going to fight me for 50/50 physical and legal custody of our kids -- 3 teenagers-- who he abandoned 2 MONTHS ago. And I really mean abandoned since he hasn't even seen the kids since he left. He did pick up DD15 last weekend, but hasn't laid eyes on the other two. And no phone calls ever -- Only a few sporadic texts.

I'm been patient. He filed and I responded. Wanted him to make the next move. Follow MB advice -- let him do the leg work. Just protect my finances.

So obviously he's angry that I'm asking the whereabouts of $11K. And I know for a fact that he's spent thousands and thousands already on her -- what's another $11K?

So---DO I CONTINUE TO PLAY DEFENSE OR DO I STRIP THE BALL AND START PLAYING OFFENSE???

Even my in-laws are pushing me to play offense. They want me to haul their son into court, get my half of the tax return, get temporary spousal/child support and attorney fees, and get going on the D. The attorney is waiting for my go.

Man -- H is not even recognizable in WH. And I still can't understand his anger--his threats--his defensiveness. HE HAD THE AFFAIR AND CHOSE THE OW. HE LEFT THIS HOUSE. HE HASN'T SEEN THE KIDS. HE FILED FOR DIVORCE. What more does he want?

He's being a bully because I'm defending myself, I guess. But how long before he implodes? Common sense tells me to stop being stupid. To wise up, and get the attorney on board and go for the jugular. But my stupid, stupid, dead heart still carries a thread of hope that he's starting to hit rock bottom financially and all hell will break lose soon enough.

Hi HH, think you need to be more agressive because I don't want you to go bankrupt.

Princess meggy might have some good ideas. Praying for you. take care.

Yep, Hope, I need to play offense.

And I need to do some other things as well. I need to go dark and stay there. Every time I communicate a little with WH, it turns into a war. So no more emails or texts or anything. Let IM or attorney handle everything from now on.

I also need to stop obsessing about this D. It will happen. I accept that. I do have to fact find her and there, but right now I'm spending waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy too much time on it. Last night I stayed on computer until 1 a.m. going through sections of the Family Law code. Yep -- I want to be prepared, but I'm turning this into a mission to defend myself for what he did.

Assessment of love bank balance? Under a dollar. Only a few pennies left.

How do I feel? Actually -- empowered that I'm prepared. Empowered that WH is digging his own grave. Empowered that I have a job and some cash on hand. Empowered that I know parts of the law that will KILL WH in court and I'm not telling.

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same beatened down woman of a year ago.

HERE IS SCHOOLBUS' READ.

Me: Status of tax refund please.

WH: U never respond when I ask a question. I'm going to act like a little teenager for a moment here.

WH: Sooner or later we need to discuss finances. I no u been a busy little bee working and digging up whatever u can find. I know you've been spying on me, going through my paperwork, and it is bugging me to no end. I feel like I have too many skeletons in my closet and I am worried that my efforts to hide things haven't been good enough, and I don't like that you are trying to find things out about my life. I want to do what I want to do.

Just be careful how hard u want to push me. The easier way or the harder way. It will be up to you mostly. This is of course a threat. But, he tries to put it on you - "It is up to you mostly". He's trying to tell you that if you do things HIS WAY then he will play nice. Don't believe him. He is a liar. The threat about being careful how hard you push him is that he is very angry about things, and why he is angry comes in the next paragraph. He's got money problems.

All I no rt now is that I have to work harder than before and I am making sure all is paid. See here? Money problems. That's why he's riled up and angry. His AFFAIR IS COSTING HIM MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR. This was not accounted for in the fantasy. The OW had him convinced this would be all "friendly", and turns out, she was wrong, wasn't she?

Me: Why all the anger? I just asked a question.

WH: Not angry in the least. Nothing like a shot of denial, is there? Just working very hard. Have a good day. I can only imagine the tone of voice or look on his face when this came to mind. The body language DEFINITELY defies the meaning. Sarcasm at it's finest.

Me: Leave a check for me or deposit in my checking. Thanks.

WH: For what and how much. Here is where HE is trying to dig up information on YOU. WH: How much is your new job paying per month.


And hey, maybe the two of you need to work something out regarding your monthly exchange of money, so he doesn't get information on what you're spending, and so these exchanges don't carve into the love bank deposits.

IS HE HITTING ROCK BOTTOM YET, FOLKS? I'm afraid that this indicates he has NO love left for me.

I've asked SchoolBus to look at another exchange. More threats.

Holyheart, YES... give your attorney the go ahead. You have to remember that you are NOT dealing with your husband here. You are dealing with WH and he could care less about what is fair, right or just.

Get a TRO in place IMMEDIATELY! Protect your finances. You ARE entitled to 1/2 of the tax return and he should either pay it NOW or have the judge order him to pay it in any divorce settlement.

He doesn't want 1/2 custody, he wants to avoid child support!

I don't think he's hit bottom yet, he's too arrogant still. Show him what this divorce will cost him.

Stop communicating with him at all! Let your IM handle anything non-legal and let your attorney handle the legal communications. He doesn't get to hear, see or experience any part of you in Plan B.

(((Holyheart)))

Good. It will hurt, too. But keep in mind that your life is the one that's going to get better, not his.

Nope. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet. And he won't any time soon. You know this. You don't want it to be true, but you know this.

That's true, because you're dealing with 100% WH, who is a disastrous excuse for a human being. He has the inverse-Midas touch. You want nothing to do with this person. Interacting with him will only make you miserable.

You want to talk with your H, who probably does still have love left for you, but he's not available right now. It looks like he won't be available until more divorce stuff happens, so you should go ahead and protect yourself and your finances for the sake of your kids. Do it without anger if you can and without communicating with him wherever possible. Maybe you will get to see your H some day down the road. At the moment, you need to protect yourself from this WH [censored].

Yeah, this is why you need to stay dark. Any communication drains it, because you're dealing with a WS.

ANY time you are tempted to contact him, stop. Take a deep breath. Then ask yourself why you're doing it. You have to be honest with yourself here--if the real reason is that you want to see whether or not he's still wayward, then you don't do it. If it has anything like "want him to see that" in it, it's LB-ing, so don't do it.

If you still have a legitimate purpose, remind yourself with whom you're dealing (a WS). Then ask yourself "is there any chance that I will get the result I'm hoping for here?"

This is especially good for dealing with triggers, when the WS does something stupid/hurtful/insensitive and you get that adrenaline rush of wanting to reach out and set things right. Do this instead.

Sorry, HH. Where you are sucks, but I promise you that it will get better.

HH

Sdguy:

You are right on the money with your assessment of me. I do hope to catch a glimpse of H during interactions. We were together for 30 years, so he's a hard habit to break. Need to be dark -- not just kind of dusk.

And your suggestion for triggers -- I used it. WH sent me a monthly expense sheet showing our bills vs. income. OK -- load of crap. He's underestimateing his income and overestimating bills to justify him keeping the tax return. I wanted to call him so bad but stopped and asked myself "What will this accomplish?" I KNOW I'd be talking to arrogant WH -- the same bully who sent me the threatening texts and emails. So why bother. Let it go. And I did. Yeah -- Holyheart!!!

And I made appt. with attorney for Monday. So.....the coin is flipped....I yell "heads"...heads it is....and I choose to start on offense. I want the ball. I want to call the plays. I want to score. I'm ready to lead my team of 4.

OK -- I'm a little delusional at the moment. Stayed up until 2 a.m last night proofing research paper for DS17.

Thanks, again, SdGuy and all of you who share your advice. I really do appreciate it.

Holy, this is one of the HARDEST things we have to come to accept and grasped.

I had so many doubts until recently if there was any love left for me. Clearly there IS, but it's hidden deep and WH is just simply still way in control. I even tempted my thinking to possibly come out of Plan B and do a strong Plan A again. I know I have it in me, but what would it solve, would it prolong? Ultimately we have to realize that these are hurting human beings who are just plain destructive and there is NOTHING we can do for them.

I have seen so much this past week. I have truly grasped how WH is NO DIFFERENT than any other TYPICAL wayward... It just hurts more because it's mine. Getting through this IS hard, it's not what we wanted, but we can and do get through it.

Good for you for letting go... I used to wake up in the morning and thanked G-d for taking care of WH. It helped me to continually let go. You are doing incredible Holy. Be kind to yourself.

I fought a true dark Plan B tooth and nail. It wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't it because I kept the light hidden on the goal. Surviving An Affair.... So can you...

Thanks, Queenie.
Plan B would be easier if it weren't for Plan D. And it will get better -- one way or another.

You have to proceed very carefully.

It just amazes me, whether people have been married 3 years or 30 like you have.

It amazes me that these angels, with the help of an OW or OM, can change so drastically.

What causes this? Your WH used to be a good person, you say. How could one woman so change him?

I never thought my H would change the way he has. He is truly unreachable. I have lost my connection with him.

I do believe that they are addicted to these relations and they all follow the same script.

It is a tragedy and wrecks families.

Great job, HH! That strategy for dealing with triggers comes straight from Jennifer. She recommended making up a little card to carry around so that you're ready whenever/wherever the trigger hits you.

Anyway, keep up the good work! It will get better.