I hate my husband. Ever since the day we got together, my life has headed downhill. He is an alcoholic first and foremost and his drinking has made a mockery of what marriage should be. He stays out at bars instead of staying home to take care of his family. We has 2 babies -D is 16 months and S is 5 months - and only one car between the 2 of us so when he disappears, he leaves us with no means of getting anywhere. The sad thing is : IT IS MY CAR!!!! It is the same one I had when we started dating!! And to make matters worse, he will turn off his phone so I can't get a hold of him. He keeps me broke so I can't go anywhere even if I wanted to. He keeps me secluded which, after doing some research, is what abusers do. He is selfish and could care less about me or the kids or what is necessary to keep us happy and healthy. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. His parents live about an hour away, and they are always telling me how tired I look, but never does it enter their mind to think about helping me, unless it is sopmething that is only for an hour or so. My parents live over 6 hours away and tell me they wish they lived closer so they could give me a hand so I can get some rest. I saw them at Christmas and they noticed how tired I was and went above and beyond to give me a hand by playing with them, holding them, etc. so I could at least go to the store. I should also say that my parents are 10 years older than his and they both still work full time.

I want to know if there is anyone out there who has been through this and would know what I am feeling. Is there any hope for chage or should I just haul butt while I still can. I am a teacher and I can just about work anywhere, so that is not an issue. Let me hear from you!

Why in the world did you give the keys to your car to a DRUNK?

What are you thinking?

Ok - number 1 - I don't need a damn preacher. I don't had the keys to him while he is drunk. He goes to work and so do I. He leaves to go to the store, or like this weekend, to get the keys to our new house that we are renting and that was at 1 pm - I didn't see him until 7:30 the next morning. I have two babies - or did you not see that part - that I am their only "real" parent so when he says he is off taking care of things like that, I try to believe that he is going to come back. So I am sorry that I can't be his warden at all costs. Sorry, but you have no idea how mad that statement just made me - i came for support, not to be chastised like a child.

SuDavis,
It is obvious you have reached a point in your marriage where a lot has built up and you are ready to explode. You are at a crossroad and are trying to make a decision. Take a deep breath. When I'm anry I cannot think straight and will act impulsively. Help me understand - what do you want here - support from other abused wives or help in trying to save your M?


GG

I want to try to stay married, but the resentment that I have towards him is stifling. It makes me so upset that I can't see the forest for the trees if you know what I mean. I would laso like to hear from other wives/husbands who have been through this and to ask them if there is any hope, because if there isn't any, then I don't want to prolong the inevitable.

SuD,
Do you think your H will be open to making improvements/changes. You can read Dr. Harley's article on alcoholic spouse and come back and answer this question. Below is the link.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html.

GG

What sort of change are you looking for? That your husband will wake up one day, say "I don't want to be an alcoholic, I'm marching myself into to 90 AA meetings in 90 days."

I don't mean to be tongue and cheek, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. I had to help my husband to his "rock bottom" in order for him to seek help. (My husband is a recovering addict, but not an alcoholic.) Even then, it took my husband a year of sobriety before he could begin to see he was an [censored] to me in our marriage at times.

Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? There's no doubt that your husband's behavior is inexcusable. However, now, you must heal yourself first. Figure out why you stayed. Otherwise, if you choose to look for another life partner, there's a good chance you'll repeat choice of partners.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is set boundaries, and enforce them. He will either change to deal with them, or be left behind.

For instance, if you know he is going to disappear when he has the car, take the keys; it's your car, after all. If he has to go somewhere, you can drive him.

You'd be better off taking the car yourself, and driving to stay with your parents or his parents for the weekend. He can come if he wants to, but you're going.

Such acts are you taking back your life and setting boundaries. You can't do MB with a drunk; you can only protect yourself. But it's possible that if you turn around and start taking charge, he will be shocked into changing.

I agree with Cat. I think you need to take more control and do what you can to prevent his alcoholism from hurting your family before you think about anything else. He won't be able to hear anything at all untill the alcohol stops talking.

It doesn't sound like you have any support people in your life, so a call to alanon or an abuse hotline might be really helpfull. They can put you in touch with resources in your area.

How would it go if next time he's "going to the store for milk" you said "honey, I really need to get out for a little while, how about you watch the kids and I"ll run to the store?" If he balks at that, suggest a family outing and you all go. Don't enable him to run away from home since that's his typical pattern.

catperson has an excellent idea about just taking the car and the kids and going somewhere for the weekend. Do you have any friends or relatives closer than your parents? I know 6 hours is a long ways to drive alone with little children! My parents once met me halfway and rented motel rooms when I was in a similar situation and it was wonderfull.

Why doesn't he have a car? Is he working? Does he have a valid license? Any tickets for driving drunk?

Inrecoverynow,
I was trying to get her to read the article so she can come to her own conclusion that you can't fix a marriage while addiction exists. That was my point.

GG

I am in the middle of a divorce right now. We had been married 8 years. My soon to ex had alot of issues with addiction as well being diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago. He did alot of the behaviors that you have described. He never seemed to be able to come straight home after work. He would go to friends houses or out to bars and come home late at night many times drunk or high or even waltz in at 7am the next morning thinking that should be perfectly acceptable. That with the constant verbal and emotional abuse put me over my limit. My 2 children were witnesses to all the constant drama and disfunctional behavior. As catperson said you need to start to put up boundries. In my case things became worse since an abusive person never wants to lose control. But as I started to put up boundries and not allow myself to be mistreated, I also became stronger and when things hit their worse. At that point I was ready to be free and I new that I needed to end it.

Until he deals with his addiction there is very little you can do to work on the marriage. Would it be possible to finish out the school year and then take your kids and stay at your parents for the summer? Maybe clear your head and make some decisions. Maybe he will realize he is going to lose you and admit he has a problem.

As a abused spouse and use to be wife of an alcoholic you have two choses continue as you are and you let your boy and girl learn this is how a wife and a husband behaves or you can set the boundary of separatation and he gets help .

He wont change until he has a reason to change. He needs to learn why he copes with drinking and how to cope with an appropraite way.

You cant change him . You can change what you are doing .

When he is not drunk have someone else there, and tell him he has to get help-AA counseling or he does not have a family.

You dont want to see this behavior(s) in your children and know if only I said that then?

I can stay with my parents - that would be no problem. They wouldn't mind that is for sure. Not a bad idea!!

Su - I don't know you or your situation, so please don't take this as any direct indictment on you. Please take the time with your folks as an opportunity to formulate a plan.

My sister used to make leaving her abusive, alcoholic, drug addict (now deceased) husband an annual family event. Even when they moved a half continent away. She'd show up suddenly at my mom's house with her boys in tow. She'd leave him to teach him a lesson. He'd apologize, make all the right promises, and then she'd go right back to him. This happened once a year, sometimes twice, just like clockwork.

Eventually she left him the same week my mom was moving out of her 2 br apt, and getting ready to move across the country to TN to retire. My sister thought that my mom could just put those plans on hold and go back to work while my sister moved in with her (along with her 3 sons), and finished college. My sister was 51 at this point. This had been an on-going pattern (her fantasy) for 17 years.

Again, I'm not saying you're like that at all. Just recognize that moving in with your folks is a chance to find a more perm solution, and that MB concepts won't work until your H climbs out of the bottle.

I think removing yourself and your kids from the situation is good.

However, I personally would not do so until I had spoken to a lawyer. You would not want any action you take to be misconstrued and used against you in a custody battle.

My friend divorced an alcoholic. At best, he was an absent father. Not only did he drink, but he also cheated and gave my friend an STD. Now divorced, my friend's ex gets their child one day a week. She couldn't even be with her child on Christmas, thanks to the courts..

I waited 36 years to leave my alcoholic husband. I loved him and was codependent - in other words I was living life for him and his needs.

Just know that your husband is "married" to alcohol and it will ALWAYS come first in his life unless he gets professional help. Even then, it is a long shot that he will ever be a true partner.

I left a good man. He was disabled, but worked around the home very hard. He loved me to the best of his ability - but alcohol always came first. I understand now that the only way to stay with someone like this is to detach and have your own life. This is what I did for years.

You will never have a true partner in this man. I only had the courage to leave after reconnecting with an old boyfriend that wanted me to be happy. Through our long distance friendship, and a couple years of agony, I took the plunge. It feels so good to know what I am coming home to after work (right now it is only 3 dogs). At least it is not an unreasonable, demanding, and verbally abusive man under the influence of alcohol. The roller coaster ride plays over and over and over. They are somewhat sober the next day, don't remember much, and think everything should be fine.

So, to answer your question - it is an extreme long shot that you will EVER see any change in this man. I wish for you the courage that you will need to take care of yourself. Remember, YOU are NUMBER 1, and only have one chance at enjoying life.