I am not really sure where to post this so I thought I would try here first. I am not really having a conflict per say. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 yrs but have been together 8 1/2 years. I thought that when we got married we had shared everything about ourselves with each other, even the really hard things like past relationships if we had any ( I didn't have any past sexual relationships but was sexually abused and told him about it because I loved and trusted him). I was wrong on the night before we got married my husband finally shared with me that he had a prior relationship that I knew nothing about. He says that he didn't acutually have sex with her but it went almost to that point. I was so shocked and hurt that I didn't really know what to do I had shared the hardest thing that I went through with him almost 14 months before we got married when we had only been dating about six months and he couldn't share this with me until now. We really didn't get to talk about it and I didn't really get to ask him any questions as to how far it did go or anything like that. Since then we have had two other instances were he has chosen not to tell me about things that he has done while we are married. On was about two years after we got married and he started to Chew tobacco and hid it from me ( he knew I didn't really want him to start chewing again, yes I did know that he chewed prior to us meeting. This didn't help my trust issues with him I just didn't understand why he felt that he needed to hide this from me. The latest incident happened about three weeks ago. He says that he wasn't trying to hide it from me but he bought something that we had talked about and he knew that I didn't really want him to get this. He did it any way without consulting me and it could have gotten him into big trouble luckily it didn't ( and no it was not illegal drugs or anything like that). I could not believe that yet again he didn't trust me and talk it over with me. I think this was partly because he already knew where I stood on the matter and he wanted to do it anyway. This has really brought back all of the other things that I thought I was over from 7 years ago. I tried to talk to him about all of it including his past relationship and he was very unwilling to go into details. Now I am having a really hard time getting over this to the point that when we were intimate it all of the sudden popped into my head I wonder if he touched this other women like he is touching me. I know that he said that he didn't go all the way to having sex but what do I believe? He doesn't want to tell me what did happen so how am I supposed to believe that he didn't have sex with her? I am not sure what to do. Should I confront him and tell him how I feel or is this just something I need to get over and move on. I just feel like he has broken my trust and I don't know how to get past all of this so that I can trust and believe what he tells me. Am I just being petty or do I have a legitimate concern that I should address

He is a conflict avoider. He omits truth or tells lies to avoid being seen as a person who is bad, wrong, whatever. He learned it as a child, and still uses it today because he knows no better. That doesn't make it right, but it may help you understand him.

I'm sure he loves you, but his instincts are hard to stop. Your brain is wired to keep doing what worked for you growing up unless you consciously sit down and address it and work together to stop doing it.

You need to tell him you cannot remain married to someone who chooses conflict avoidance and independent behavior over working things out with you - tell him that it drains your love for him, and eventually as he keeps doing these things, you'll stop loving him altogether. Ask him to work with a counselor with you to address the issues. What he does is not easy to change, so it will take you both being completely honest with each other. You may also want to come up with a signal of some sort, or a phrase, that you use when you see him doing it again. That way, you don't have to go into the whole conversation every time and risk fighting.

Also, find the info here about Love Busters, and both of you need to fill out the LB questionnaire to learn how to not hurt each other. That way, you're showing him that you know you have things to work on, too, and that you'll listen to his opinion of you and your LBs, and you'll work on your issues too.