When I discovered H's affair, I told him he must do 3 things to keep our family together (we have 2 daughters, ages 7 & 9):, 1) Get treatment for his alcohol abuse (I was/am convinced nightly intake of 15-18 beers plays a tremendous role in our problems, 2) Go into counselling with me, and 3) End all contact w/OW (very difficult since she is a key person in his business). Now H is in an intensive outpatient treatment program (IOP) for alcoholism and in therapy with me. He says he has ended physical contact with OW, but still sees her at work and talks to her about things other than work.<BR> Problem (one of them): While in IOP, H is supposed to keep sobriety as his main priority. According to our therapist and his IOP counsellor, he really can't do any relationship work while he's coming to grips with the alcohol monster; ie, he's not going to be able to work on regaining my trust while he's grappling with these other issues.<BR> So here I have been, for the past three weeks, wondering when we can deal with all the issues related to his betrayal, and trying to be supportive of his recovery. It's best for the kids, right? But I just don't think I can handle going on as if no betrayal occurred, not being able to vent my feelings, waiting God knows how long to find out if we're even compatible anymore.<BR> I can't stand his being around the house acting like nothing has happenned except his work on sobriety. How long can this go on?! I would really feel better if he weren't living here at home until addressing the betrayal issue becomes top priority. But I'm afraid of the impact on the kids and the potential for completely destroying what's left of our relationship if I ask him to leave.<BR> Any advise? P.S. I think I hate him.

Hello oday, welcome to mb. <BR>I am not so sure I can help, but will explain the relationship with the alcohol and my h.<BR>My h likes to drink, though not an alcoholic. He was drunk everytime he had another woman. Yes, everytime. He states that there was no other way he could have carried out the compulsive behavior that led up to affairs. Alcohol plays a role in the game-that is documented. <BR>Treatments for both are pretty complex, and I have little experience. The issues with my h were addressed simultaneously, but again, his alcohol problems were not that great.<BR>Treatment is so very hard for many. Of course you want success, so want to follow all advice presented. Use all the techniques, do everything imaginable to keep the addiction under control. But I am not sure that leaving out the affair is such a good idea. Is there a third party you could counsel with for another opinion? Can you see someone for personal counseling? <BR>My heart goes out to you in trying to deal with so much at once. (((hugs)))

Sorry....double post...<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 19, 1999).]

Hi ODAY....<P>I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have the double-whammy of living with an alcoholic and dealing with an affair. I have gone through the same thing, where my alcoholic husband had an affair with some bar slut he met at the bar.<P>He, like your H would drink daily....had to be drunk so that he could see the OW....I guess that helped him forget he had a conscience. Well, that's what he tells me. He said that in order to see her, he would get drunk first. That's the only way he could get himself over there. Pretty pathetic.<P>For several months now, we have been working on the affair and he has been working on staying sober. It has been a rollercoaster ride with up & down days. Now that he is sober, things are going wonderfully.<P>What I can suggest, is to get yourself to Alanon. They will help you deal with co-dependency and living with an alcoholic. I think that its great that your H is in some type of program. If you can, go to therapy too. Find a therapist that specializes in substance abuse and infidelity.<P>We went to that type of a therapist. She is the one who said that the alcoholism is the ROOT of the problem. Alcohol impairs the mind and clouds judgment & thinking. She had my H work on both the alcohol & infidelity issue at the same time. My H didn't need any type of rehabilitation but he did go to AA and weekly therapy.<P>In Alanon, they told me NOT to do anything drastic for 6 months. Things are still fresh and we tend to act on impulse. Your marriage deserves the 6 months. Just keep working on your part, and hopefully your H will work on his part.<P>Is there any way the OW will leave the job? This is so hard since you own the business but the OW works there. It will be hard for him to avoid contact with her if she still works with him.<P>It's going to be a long & bumpy ride but your marriage can survive this. I thought ours couldn't, but it has....as long as he stays away from the alcohol and the OW.<P>When you need to vent, please come here and do it. Also, try to attend an Alanon meeting and seek professional help. I think with those tools...it will help you get through this.<P>Best of luck to you and hang in there....

ODay, First of all,YOU are not alone! My H is <BR>not an Alcoholic by any means but, had to be totally blasted every time he was with the OW. He tells me, that he had to be numb to be with her because he knew it was WRONG. It does not make the pain any easier for me. Also,he does not remember details of the affair, which can be very frustrating at times. Yes, Alcohol and the Affair is a double whammy. I hate both!<BR>I wish you the best... a speedy recovery!!!

My W's and secretive drinking started about the same time. Hmmmm.....<P>Alcohol is a wonder drug for anyone wanting to detach from reality, be numb to guilt and pain, and to just forget whatever is difficult at the time. <P>Alcohol and infidelity is an insidious, but oddly logical, combination.<P>Yikes, it is hard to hang in there....

I must admit, my W's affair got hot and heavy with OM after recreational activities involving alcohol too:<P>(1) after work socializing at a bar with OM<BR>(2) evening socializing with work friends (which turned out to be just OM) while I was studying for the bar<BR>(3) weekend partying and dance clubs with OM, always involving a few drinks.<P>It's been said, but it bears repeating, alcohol encourages us to loosen up our inhibitions. That means we are more likely to do that which we otherwise would be unlikely to do.<P>-----<P>ODay:<P>I wish I had something to tell you to make it easier, but I don't. Your H does need to address the alcoholism first because that could be a life and death issue. Your marriage, while EXTREMELY important, certainly would suffer as much if he failed to address the alcoholism appropriately.<P>Stay strong and keep your head about you. You'll get your chance to deal with the affair. In the meantime, read as much as you can about affairs. Learn what he might have been thinking, about the dynamics of affairs. You'll be well-armed for couples counseling when you get there.<P>Good luck.<P>--------<P>CL:<P>Your H was drunk EVERY time he was with another woman? Doesn't that suggest he might have an alcohol problem? (ie., doesn't know when he's had enough). I dunno, but if you drink to "loosen up" or drink to get drunk, or drink on a daily basis, or if you "just need that beer to relax after work" I would tend to think that you have an alcohol problem. I hope you're right that H <I>isn't</I> an alcoholic, but I tend to think that if he occasionally drinks enough to impair his moral judgments, he probably has a bit of a problem.<P>Just my 2 cents.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>