Well, my WW told me of the RA this past Friday. I spent most of the weekend crying in her arms. Ironically, she is a comfort. I don't know if it's taboo to divulge the details, so I won't yet. And I don't know that it will be helpful to her/me/us. She too posts in the MB forums.

Of all the places our bedroom is the safest for me. We can now discuss things openly... feelings, thoughts, sex. I took Monday off work. I just couldn't face other people yet. My co-worker and I had been discussing our M situations and the pain he felt when he found out his W was having an EA. I'm not telling him of my W's A at this point. We are going to work this through and I don't want to cause irrevocable damage by blabbing this to anyone with ears. The only people that know are those in this forum and an online gamer I game with that lives in another state and I've never met in person - seems safe right?

Maybe I'll share more later, I need to know if that is permissible and helpful in this situation.

I"m so sorry that you are going through this pain. A lot of people here will help you get through this. Not sure if you a re a Christian but a good course I completed is called Harboring Hope by Affair Recovery Center. It helped me a lot.

http://www.harboringhope.com/

Remember. You have the right to do whatever you need to heal and survive. Don't beat yourself up over her affair. You had nothing to do with that. Lean on God and others to help you.

At this point no reason to tell co workers, friends, or your family.

Does the OWH know?

Does the WW's family know?

Exposure is used to end the affair. Exposure is also used to keep the affair from restarting. That's why it will be in your best interest to tell the OWH and WW's parents and her siblings.

How did your WW meet the OM?

RA means Revenge Affair, according to our acronyms. I presume you mean Romantic Affair - am I right?

WW met OM at the local gym. They were both training for a marathon and on the same running team. He's divorced from his W, so there is no OMW. We haven't told anyone about the A, which is something I struggle with. It's nice coming here to share and seek advice but I still feel the need to share this with a friend in person, someone that can check-in with me and make sure I'm doing OK and still on track to rebuild our M. We are Christian and do not want to profane/slander (maybe that's libel, as slander would be untrue) the name of Christ. Her side of the family are not believers. I suggested we disclose this to our pastor last night. WW loves and respects him and needs more time to process this before that can be done. A lot of this is complicated. I don't think this is a typical A - plan A and plan B don't fit because there is no emotional attachment. Some of you may want to slap me upside the head, but I BELIEVE my WW when she tells me this because I know our history and I know her. So much has happened in the past 24 hours, sometimes it seems overwhelming.

Yes, I meant revenge A. Revenge for me hurting her so deeply, not from infidelity on my part.

They lie and lie and lie. They tell us what we want to hear. Follow Plan A/B. I guarantee you there is more going on than she is admitting, and it will be revealed to you in little tiny bits.

Expose, expose, expose -- her parents, your parents, children, siblings on both sides, friends. What is she going to do? Get mad at you and have an A. She already is. If you do not expose, you are giving tacit approval and aiding and abetting.

Sorry you are here. Read up and lots of good folks here will give sound advise.

Hi SE,
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
First to clarify what imagine was saying, RA refers to an A you would go on to have after being told your WW has had an A. Your revenge against her.

If your WW is telling you that her A was revenge against you for hurting her, she is still foggy. Or is this maybe your perception?

Affairs happen b/c WS's are selfish, selfish of what makes them feel good in the moment despite what these actions have on anyone else.

Affairs happen b/c WS's do not keep their boundaries in tact, they knowingly do this.

Affairs happen b/c WS's think they deserve to be happy and they use a weak M to justify that.

There are always alternatives to infidelity. It is never an option.
MC, IC, and D would be a last resort, not an affair.

You say that you would like to talk to someone about what is going on. That would be a good thing, there will be things that you won't feel comfortable sharing with your W. This will be the same for her also.

It's up to you who you wish to share your nightmare with. Family/close friends/Pastor, anyone who can offer support for long road ahead. Details do not have to be the same for each. WW's parents knowing for example can, like Road said, prevent the affair from starting back up. Humiliation does not have to be a bad thing, it can work to keep people on the right path.

Exposure is to end an active affair, if I understand correctly, NC is established. Has she written a NC letter that you have approved and mailed?

Take care.

Your response is down-right demonic. Without a doubt straight from Hell. 99% of the time you would have been right when anyone comes here to reveal A. My WW told me of the EA and mistook my calm, controlled behavior as though I didn't care. I know the PA took place at the height of a nervous breakdown culminating from 12 years of a miserable M to me. I am NOT innocent in cultivating this situation. I am innocent in her choice. That's all hers. But I understand the why. She had absolutely no warm-fuzzies for me - no positive feelings. Add that to a POS that is pursuing her and saying, "Doesn't it feel good to be desired?" I KNEW at the time that it was possible for her to destroy me this way. In fact, I didn't tell her in fear that she would do it.

Everyone is going to begin arguing whether or not I'm in denial. Please have that discussion in your head. My WW and I have had more intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual) in the past 5 days then in our whole 12 year M. She is not spewing lies. She has told me every sordid detail (which I don't know if that actually helps as I now have those images in my head). By God's grace and mercy He has turned this M around. And that's not even an accurate statement. He has created something beautiful from this that is not humanly possible. There is now a oneness to our M, vulnerability, transparency, and safety. The Father of Lies will not destroy that!

Vittoria, NC has already been establish by both WW and myself. She emailed him, I made a surprise visit. The place of contact (gym) is off-limits. Her A is not active/on-going.

You should probably read up on the term "BS Fog" ...

Hi, ScrambedEgg.

I'm glad you started your own thread. I can only imagine what you might have been thinking reading what was evolving over on your wife's those first couple of days.

It's very early in your recovery so you may want to consider not reading each others' threads for now. In order to get the most from the experience that the vets here offer, you'll want to be as open as possible, and that may involve typing things that the other might find hurtful. Yes, you should be practicing radical honesty with each other anyway, but you're both pretty raw right now and there may be some things that you'll want to say here first before you say them to each other. This is a great venue for spewing things out in order to get good feedback for presenting those things honestly and respectfully to your spouse.

I've been writing to your W as have others and I hope she is able to glean something useful from the posts. Like you, she is dealing with so much emotional chaos right now. It's great you're both able to be there for each other.

I strongly encourage you to find a live, supportive person with whom you can share anything. I see you've both been in contact with your pastor. And that's great. I hope there is someone else in your life whom you can count on too. Not that your pastor isn't enough, I just want to make sure you have that outlet where you will hold nothing back if you need that. I know my H reserves some when talking with our pastor, out of respect for the pastor. I know our pastor has probably heard and seen it all, but my H still doesn't tell Pastor everything. He saves that for his best friend who is also a friend of our M.

There will be people who will judge your W if the A is revealed to them. And that's for them to deal with. But most people who really care about you, will watch how you treat her. If you treat her with kindness and show that you care for her, they will respect that and do the same. In my case, all immediate family on both sides know of my betrayal, as well as our best friends, our pastor, some church friends, and I'm sure by now some fringe people too. I want to tell more people but my H thinks that's unnecessary at this point so I'm letting him call the shots on that. I believe because my H holds my hand, sits close to me, and talks with me respectfully (oh so different than a year ago!), others see this and treat me similarly.

BTW, I am proud that BBB told you. I know how hard that is and I admire her for coming forth. That takes a lot of courage.

I am 4 months past D-day and am by no means an expert. There are many other veterans around here from whom you should seriously consider taking advice. I do want to share with you something I learned from my own IC and from my own experience. I cannot say if it is endorsed by MB.

You may find there are three dynamics going on here and while they may overlay each other, try not to deal with all three at the same time.

1.) BBB needs to process the A. Her processing will involve determining why she did it, what she did that allowed the circumstances to present themselves, what she did that allowed her to lower her boundaries, and also what EPs she will practice going forward to make sure it doesn't happen again.

2.) You need to process what BBB has done. How you feel about it and how you choose to respond to it.

3.) You both need to address your M and determine how you want it to be going forward. You'll need to determine how to affair-proof you M and what you need for a healthy and happy relationship.

Based on your earlier posts here, I think you may be trying to deal with #3. That's good and you need to, but the time isn't right for that. Fixing the M needs to happen, but first you must deal with the A. Dr. Harley explained it to me as you can't run a race (your M) if you have a gaping leg wound (the injury cause by the A). You must dig out the wound, clean it out, apply medicine, take antibiotics, bandage it, change the bandages... You must care for the wound first. And if it's cared for properly, it will heal and yes, a scar will remain to remind you of that wound. With the scar, you can run the race. If you don't heal the wound properly it will be infected and will need constant attention which will prevent you from running the race.

One of the most powerful things I've read on MB was a post by Mark1952 on his Musings by Mark thread. Go to the last page of the thread here. It's about 6 posts from the end and it starts with Mark commemorating how it's his 3,500th post.

Your W has to help you heal, SE. She will have to be proactive in this including coming up with her EPs. But she is not a mind-reader. If you need her to hold you, leave you alone, sing you a song, play a game with you, say she's sorry... If there is something she has to do to help you get through a moment, a trigger, a day, then please share that with her. Let her help you.

There may be times though, when there is nothing she can do.

Understand your W has to help herself heal. You can be there for her, absolutely. Based on my experience, there will be things though, that you shouldn't have to handle so she needs an outlet and support source that she can go to. You also will have things that even though she'll want to help you with, she's too subjective and can't, so you need an outside support source too.

If there is any way you can do at least one session with Dr. Harley, that could be very good for you two. I did one sans H and it was very helpful for me.

I hope I'm making sense. I'll keep reading and if I feel I have something to offer as a FWW, I will. I wish you the best.

God bless.

Good thoughts L4.

I have a meeting w/my Pastor in about 2 hours. 1) To reveal what has happened (we had just begun MC when A occurred) 2) To have someone to share this with other than my WW (hopefully to allow her to heal as well) 3) To have an objective opinion on what appropriate boundaries should be in place and 4) To have an extra set of hands to help us navigate out of this murky water. No offense to Dr. Harley but I think I'd rather follow the example of David and Hosea and the advice of my Pastor at this point.

I truly do appreciate your perspective and counsel, although I may not always take it as I must filter and strain things through my own situation and experiences. There are times when this forum isn't helpful, but I'm not throwing the baby out with the bath water. I wholeheartedly agree that my W needs someone to confide in as well, but first she needs time to process what she's done, how it happened, and how to prevent that from ever happening again. I guess that goes for me as well.

Is Dr. Harley a Christian man or just a secular MC? I know nothing about him.

After surviving my weekend of pain and anguish, I wanted to thank shinethrough, MelodyLane, Looking4, TheRoad, bigkahuna, and staytogether for your advice and support. You guys make it easier to weather this storm, thanks.

Yes, Dr. Harley is a Christian. This is especially evident in Love Busters . He makes the point VERY clear that avoiding love busters does NOT come NATURALLY to us because we have naturally selfish nature.

He does not use his books or forum to evangelize though. He is aware that the same problems infect ALL marriages, whether people consider themselves Christian or not.

Please forgive me if I have spoken out of turn Dr. Harley.

Hi Mr Scrambledeggs,

I think that poor Mr F did not have sufficient info at his disposal before he offered his observation. Your wife has been coached by vets who understood her frustration when she posted.

Many folk call in and generate standard responses. Your wife seems genuinely repentant and has properly applied all Extraordinary Precautions to prevent this happening again. Bless God for this. Your responsibility is to meet her needs as laid down in Scripture.

Ask her about her EN's. Check the list on this site.

Sorry Fitzge, I didn't mean to dump on you personally. Please accept my apology, I realize you were trying to help. Your response was what the Deceiver whispers in my ear. I understand that in a typical situation you would be correct, but this isn't typical. My W and I have already forgiven one another and divulged all information. Her A leveled the playing field in our M, gave us shared blame. My past sins that she has clung on to for 10-12 years are rubbish, useless garbage that we will no longer carry with us. I choose to love her... everyday.

After meeting with our Pastor last night I know we are ahead of the curve and on the road to properly rebuilding our M. We cling to God and His love, mercy and grace and cling to each other for support and fulfillment. Thank you all for being available and sharing your advice and experience - it's been invaluable.

You are correct that we are on step #3, but only because we have completed steps 1 & 2. We commit to love each other daily. On my part that also means forgiving and choosing not to remember past sins. I am not capable of forgetting or pretending that the A didn't happen, nor should I. That helps to keep proper boundaries and parameters. The true test of forgiveness will come in the future when we are having an argument and I never bring this up. If I do, it will instantly destroy all the progress and the emotional safety of our M. Time will tell.

se,

When I read comments like this I cringe. While the details of As vary the basic elements are very typical. I don't know what you mean by complicated. You sound like you have some BS fog and most (if not all) here have had some level of experiencing that only to be slapped in face by reality (usually repeatedly.) Waywards will swear on their children's head, their mother's grave, the Bible, anything that you would think a person would consider sacred and all the while be lying their butts off without flinching. No one here wants to see you setting yourself to feel those slaps harder than they would be otherwise.

Your desire to believe your wife is understandable. Who wants to think that after all the garbage they have already learned that there's more or that the WS is still hiding things? I couldn't even wrap my mind around how my FWH could STILL be lying or withholding info because I simply didn't understand how 'f'ed up that sort of thinking was. You are expecting your WW to have the same mindset as you and she doesn't.

As you said, you are feeling overwhelmed. You WANT to believe this is as bad as it gets. BTDT. Sorry but I don't believe that ANY wayward spills ALL this early on and I had a very remorseful FWH too. You have to entirely rely on WW's word at this moment and she is a proven liar. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is the plain truth. There's no OMW/GF to verify info with. You are taking WW's word for everything. Just be careful.