If you have read my other thread you will know that my husband does not find me attractive right now because I "have let myself go" and that he doesn't want to have as much SF with me even though we just had SF almost everyday last month and I didn't initiate half of it. I feel like he is trying to keep me in my place by constantly causing me pain. Since he made those comments, I have noticed other men paying attention to me everywhere that I go. One very attractive man started talking to me at the grocery store today and I liked it. He even told me that I didn't need the diet food because I looked good just the way that I was. I know this is my pain rearing its ugly head and I don't want to act on this. It just feels so good to not feel ugly and undesirable. Anybody else go through this? What did you do?

"If you have read my other thread you will know that my husband does not find me attractive right now because I "have let myself go" and that he doesn't want to have as much SF with me even though we just had SF almost everyday last month and I didn't initiate half of it."

This is not making sense to me. He doesn't find you attractive, but you've had SF almost everyday last month?

OK here is the deal... as I see it... first you are in a vulnerable state right now... sounds like you love bank is VERY empty and you are taking deposits from men at the grocery store... yes it feels good... but you are on a slippery slope my friend... proceed with caution...


Secondly... I have not read any of your other post... but did you wh (right.. he was wayward) make these comments while in the A or right after... if so, girl remember you can't take that into consideration---FOG FOG FOG talk...


Third... IMHO beauty comes from within you... not just the few extra pounds we might have gained after the baby... but in us as our spirit...the manner we carry ourselves and the way we see ourselves... see yourself for the awesome person that you are (and no I am not obese, I am not a size 4 either, I am comfortable with myself)

Fourth... okay part of recovery is being O & H with your spouse... have you shared with him by taking his hands and saying something similar to "honey, I need your help. I feel so unattractive to you right now. I realized this when I was at the store and a man flirted with me. It put deposits in my empty account. I don't want his deposits. I want yours."

Man... I wish my husband had said that to me prior to his A. I would have asked what the heck do I need to do and done it...

give him a chance to put those deposits in... that feel little... try not to reject them... and in the mean time- if you have the money go get yourself a new outfit... paint your nails.. get your hair done... do something for you

havingfaith

I have no temptation to cheat...NONE. Men have given me attention with compliments and flirting in the past, present, and hopefully the future. I have moments of feeling 'ugly' especially after the blows to my self confidence after discovery of H's A but the thought of cheating SERIOUSLY disgusts me. I sure as heck am not going to allow myself to find my way into the gutter to feel better about myself.

Hi stillstanding,

I have been through this, having been very overweight during for years after the birth of my son and then having lost it all within about 5 minutes of D Day!

I had been attractive before that birth, but in the years between the last baby and D Day, What Not to Wear and its various clones arrived on the scene. I learned to wear clothes that were not just not baggy, but beautifully cut and suited to my shape. I have a decent rack and an hour-glass figure, with a small waist and curvy hips. Instead of trying to wear the clothes that look good on other women with less "problematic" figures, I have learned to wear clothes cut for a curvy shape; I never wear wear polo-necks or sleeveless tops, for example.

Because I was going to an event with my H shortly after D Day and I was desperate to look good having discovered that there was an OW, I paid for a professional make-up consultation. Until then, I sometimes slapped on a bit of mascara, but nothing else. I did not know how to wear make-up, but I do now, and I wear it every day, even to stay at home and clean the floors.

The difference caused by wearing flattering clothes and make-up after the rapid weight loss has been incredible, and has had an incredible effect on men. I think I look much better now than I did in my 30s. I get a lot of attention (which I did not get for 9 overweight years) and, like you, I have had to think, for the first time in a long time, about how to deal with it. I'd dealt with it years earlier, before the last baby, but I hadn't been unhappily married then, with the huge LB of an affair creating my own vulnerabilities.

At first I was so sunk in misery about what I thought was my inevitable divorce that rejecting advances was easy, but as my own confidence grew, and my H stopped the affair, I had to deal with rejecting men who were younger and often better-looking than my H, and who hadn't hurt me like he had done. I despised him and wove fantasies about the new man I could meet who wanted the same kind of deeply committed marriage of extraordinary care that I wanted, and that, it seemed, my H did not value.

I learned to deal with this conflict through reading here. After a while I began to see that having sex with someone (or an EA) while married to someone else is an act of self-degradation. I would be lowering myself by doing that. My physical (and emotional) self is a gift to be given only to someone who is worthy of it, and someone who would get involved with someone who is married (and has children) is scum, and not worthy of me.

For a while I was still conflicted because I thought that my H wasn't worthy of me either, because of how little he valued the love I had given him. I think I just waited for that feeling to pass. My H has tried to repair the damage he has done to me and our marriage by being good to me, working hard at his job and being a present, rather than an absent and distracted, father, as he was during the affair. I still resent him soemtimes, but I AM married to him and he does support me and work for our family. Potential OM will not have to do that.

Ultimately, I would not like to sink as low as my H's OW. She has had lots of OM in her marriage, but even if I were to have just one, I would be as low as her. She has two children, a husband who worshipped her (but was "boring") a very high standard of living (5-bedroomed house, 3 cars, timeshare apartment, fur coats, no need to work herself), and yet she gave her body to men who told her she was gorgeous (which she is). They used her then dumped her, like my H did. She acted little better than the tarts who ply their trade amongst the European Union businessmen at the railway stations. She did it for "love", but these men treated her body like a sewer and she gave away her dignity and got nothing back. Well, some gifts; my H gave her jewellery and saucy underwear, but he got duty-free sex from her and he got the better end of that deal.

Know that you are better than that. It's lovely to be looked at - as long as you don't actively flirt; that's degrading, too. Know that you are lovely and you are precious and you are too good to become some man's ho for whom he does not even have to pay!

b_r,

stop following me around and reading my thoughts!

I took off my tin foil hat and it STILL doesn't stop the thoughts from coming. The force is strong with you.

The answer to your question is simple:

You want to be able to look in the mirror without regrets or shame.

Take pride in not stooping to his level.

And the odds are high you're beautiful (besides the inside) and are simply with an idiot who doesn't appreciate it.

Men have all kinds of tastes in women. Some like thin and spaghetti legs. Others, like me, tend to be more along the lines of Sir Mix A Lot. We like curves.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie!"

So, a little extra junk in the trunk is a wonderful thing.

Now, what's a way to get his attention and wake him up?

Make it appear you are moving on, which includes "prepping" yourself to be single again. You give the impression that you're doing it as prep that you're "going to be on the market again" so to speak.

Get him to realize that he has a very, very high chance of losing you and that it won't take long for someone else to appreciate what you have both physically and mentally.

Gym time is always good too.

So hold your head up. Take the complements and self esteem boosters (but you're vulnerable, so keep your boundaries).

In time, after you heal, you will find someone who appreciates you as you are. That may be your H, once he's no longer a wayward, or it could be someone new.

And be proud of your curves. Curves are AWESOME.

Thank you! Great advice. I told my husband everything and told him what I needed and that I wanted it from him. He was more than happy to take care of business. And, yes he is not out of the fog yet. Dday was on 2/2/09. The last month has been really hard.

Thank you. I have been taking extra care when dressing everyday and have been going to the gym everyday also. We are going start running 5k's together. He likes to run. I was a size 8 when he married me and am a 12 and dropping now. I hope his head is just full of fog. We used to be just fine in this department.

That is what he said when he filled out the EN questionnaire. And, he initiated more than his share of the SF last month and I think that we only missed about 3 days all month. Even on days that we fought, we would end up with SF. I didn't mind until he tried to tell me that I am no longer attractive to him. This did not make sense to me either.