se,

If you are smart you will read and re-read black_raven's post over and over. You will learn from the hard lessons that others have experienced before.

... OR, you can remain in denial and follow your own lead about matters that you have NO experience in.

SE

What others are trying to say to you is that your situation is NOT unique. Its actually very typical. You are NOT ahead of the curve, although it is likely that you feel that way.

Almost every BS here in the early days has felt just as you do.

I personally remember coming here and thinking that my H and I were special because we were recovering so quickly. We were more intimate, both emotionally and physically, than we had ever been. We stopped all love busters and fell deeply back in love. I could not get enough of my H and he felt the same. All of this was mixed with profound sadness and lots of emotion.

We were different. I would read the stories of BS's still stuggling after years of recovery and think " Im not going to be like that - WE are so much better off, we are practically recovered already!!!!"

Then, around the 1 yr point, reality hit. The hysterical bonding phase you are in came to a crashing halt. All that was left was alot of hurt and some serious marital wreckage.

3 years later, I am still here. Posting to you. We werent special, we werent ahead of the curve. My situation wasnt different. And, Im one of the luckier ones here because I have a H who is fully on board with recovery and works his toucas off.

This is going to happen to you, too. No one escapes it. People here are trying to help you. To call someones post "demonic" is unkind at best. You might want to make an effort to be more open, because if you dont - you are going to feel very silly in another 6-9 months when you read these posts and alienate alot of folks who have years of experience who can help you through the toughest battle you will ever fight.

No this is what reality whispers in your ear


If we only had a nickel.....



No you haven't and no she hasn't



BS Fog babble



No excuse for an affair



Best thing you can do for her



Unfortunately probably not. You still are in denial and the honeymoon stage.

Boy do I remember the honeymoon stage after the affair. Great sex, great feelings, great emotions. We talked for hours and everything seemed so perfect.

Then reality hit and things started getting hard.

I wish the very best to you and your wife. Please listen to people here. They've been there and done that. I honor your commitment to your marriage. You are one of the good guys.


Sincerely,

Jim

Scrambledegg,

I have not yet posted to you but I wanted to tell you that I find your chosen screen name to be fascinating. It pretty much describes exactly my condition when I arrived here in June of 2006. I found that I had been cracked, broken, partially discarded, beaten, diluted and it wasn’t until the heat was applied that I even began to become a solid thing once more.

Eventually I began to pull it together and was able to function as something useful once more though I was no longer what I had once been since I could not really fulfill the purpose for which I had been created.

And of course while I had some culpability in my being broken, beaten, mixed up and turned into something else entirely, I was not the one who had done those things. Some one else, specifically my wife of over 30 years, was the person who had so scrambled my life.

You mention Hosea and David. Both have some great lessons regarding the sin of adultery, but because any believer sees themselves as the sinner in these stories and we recognize the healing and restorative power of God in Christ within the message we tend to apply them to ourselves entirely as the person who has sinned. And while this is in fact the reason these stories are included in the Bible, they do not begin to explain the process of healing from an affair as a betrayed spouse.

I will not discuss them fully with you at this point but I am willing to do so if you are so inclined. But for now let me explain that the story of David and Bathsheba is not a story of God’s restoration nearly as much as it is an explanation of how we end up in sin. It wasn’t God’s forgiveness that is the focus of the story of David’s sin, but the process by which he ended up in sin. David’s sin began long before he ever saw Bathsheba on that rooftop. It also is the story of the consequences of his sin, even though he was forgiven by God.

So the story can really shed a lot of light on your situation, but much of the lesson is what needs to be understood by your wife…and no, I am not picking on her. Anyone who has been here long knows I am not likely to attack her and all you can do right now is trust me when I say that I would love nothing more than to see you come out the other side of this with a marriage that will make you, your wife and even God proud.

And while the story of Hosea is one that any forgiven sinner should be able to identify with from the perspective of the wayward wife and so the story from that point of view is one of forgiveness and restoration to full status in relationship with God, there are many other lessons in the story that need to be addressed as well. Hosea did not just one day decide to forgive his wife because God told him to do so. There was an entire process that took place long before he bought her back, at a price that was, BTW, half that of a slave, in other words, half the cost of a human life. And that process was actually what we around here would call Plan A and Plan B. You have no idea how lucky you are to not have been required to go through that process yourself. You and your wife are indeed way ahead of the curve in that her affair was over, confessed to and NC agreed to before you even knew of its existence.

But also realize that what you feel today will in fact be different tomorrow and the day after that will be something else altogether different yet again. Recovery will be a rollercoaster ride the likes of which you can’t even imagine yet.

At around 4 months into this you will reach a point where you will be tired of dealing with it. You will begin to just not care any more. At that moment YOU will become more vulnerable to your own affair (please don’t tell me it can’t happen, because it can and does quite often, I am telling you so that you can stop it from happening, not to accuse you of anything)…

Soon after that, you will become angry. It WILL happen. Just take my word for it and be ready for it. That angry period will be followed once more by a period of ambivalence.

If you ever want to discuss what I think the real lessons of the stories of David and Hosea really are as they apply to a betrayed spouse, let me know. We can do so here, another thread for that purpose or via email.

Cling tightly to your faith, SE, you are going to need all the strength you will be able to get.

And I could also share with a you story from the life of Joshua that could warn you about thinking how unique and special and above all the things that others might fall into because of your faith and great victory so far. But read about what happened at AI when Israel as defeated so soon after the victory at Jericho. It was not only Achin that sinned, but all of Israel and THAT was the reason for their defeat and not just Achin, though he was the example set for the nation as to the consequences of sin.

But all of that when you are ready... For now, just strap in and believe me when I say that the ride has just started and it will get a lot bumpier before it gets smoother.

Before you declare yourself recovered, read a bunch of threads from the beginning. We all thought we were "special" when we got here. Every WS thinks their affair is special. Every BS thinks their recovery will be special. All that ever changes is the names and places. The rest is so common as to be scary at times. My Rev was absolutely unique in his situation when he and his wife got here...and yet he is warning you to be ready for what is to come. Please listen to that advice.

And yes, I always have long drawn out posts...DOH! :RollieEyes:

Mark

Thank you for your input Mark. I do consider the things people have to say and share. At this point I'm gonna take the advice of my Pastor and stay out of the forums. If I'm wrong about my W as most of you say, I will be back in 4-12 months. I'll have my crow and eat it, too. But if I believe that she is incapable of telling the truth (as most of you are saying) and you're wrong, I will have contributed to the further damage of our M.

Hosea is a revelation of God's character. Despite our spiritual adultery (specifically seen through Israel), God is faithful. I am clinging to the fact that He knows best and works all things to good for those that love Him. I cling to the fact that He has redeemed me and my W. I trust in that work. I must believe Him and take Him at His Word. I may very well get burned by my W again, but it's not going to be because I didn't love her the way that I was supposed to love her. My love will be displayed through action. It will be costly because it means I will sacrifice myself. And yes, she doesn't deserve it, but then neither did I when God forgave me. I refuse to be the unforgiving man of Matt. 18:21-35. I HAVE been in denial... for 12 years. When asked on a scale of 1-10 how would we rate our M, my answer was always 7, hers was usually 2. How's that for denial?! And I did NOTHING to fix it. I will not continue down that path any longer. I already know where it leads.

I give a sincere and heartfelt thanks to all who helped and encouraged me.

Boy, oh boy, BTDT *and* bought the t-shirt.

Even twice, since pulling details out of him was like pulling nails out of wood with your bare hands---so while one EA, we had several "D-days".

And here I am almost 3 years later, ready to throw in the towel.

I wish I had found MB right after (preferably way before!) the A. Maybe I wouldn't be here now.

SE,

I admire the heck out of your confidence in God and His scripture. I am very much like this myself.(whoops, others may tell you otherwisse... :o)

I wish to address something with you, that will seem unatural but none the less intuitave. This may sound rash and silly, but, it is way too early in the process for you to forgive your WW! I'm sure BBB might read this and cringe, but if you will allow me, I will explain why.

As a BH you are experiencing pain you never thought you would have to endure. I know of this pain, as having BTDT. So let begin to explain.

Your W's betrayal, firstly, belongs to her and only her. It had NOTHING to do with your betrayal, years earlier. If anything, it should have taught her that no one with a heart in their chest would inflict this type of pain on their worst enemy and live with it.

There is no tit for tat here. You each violated your vows, but ecah was a seperate decisision to do so. It actually was independant from each other, and the corelation will not hold.
You are attempting IMHO, to find a convenient way to EXCUSE your WW rather than forgive her. I know I desperately did. I even convinced my W that he must have been drugging her, because she would never do this horrible thing. So she agreed and said you must be right.

Didn't hold water because it was a horrible attempt to excuse her, rather than the untold task of forgiving her. Your forgiveness comes too quick and has not yet been earned by your WW. I do believe she is sincere, but the forgiveness of this crime takes a long time. It's like a fine wine that only gets better with age. Your forgiveness will have to follow this excrutiating timeline, and there's no getting around it or taking shortcuts to it. It doesn't work!'

I tried every shortcut possible, and none of them worked for me.
It's been a long time, but , I think I'm finally there, and it's been 6 and 1/2 years from dday.

I'm not trying to frighten you, but, please consider that this is going to take a very LONG time to heal from. Our most fervent wish is to to make it happen yesterday, but that will be a dismal failure.

Right now, you are placing too much burden on your shoulders in thinking YOU MUST FORGIVE HER. I will be praying that it happens in time, but only in God's time, not yours!

If you wish to email me, I will place that up there for you. For that matter you may phone me if you wish. Let me know. Right now you need more than a forum, but help with a skin on it.

All blessings,
Jerry