I've been haunting this board for a few months but never joined or posted until now. The week following D-day I bought a dozen or so books on affair recovery and read them all. I liked the His Needs Her Needs the best so I made my husband read it with me and do the exercizes as a condition of staying together. He agreed and seemed really enthusiastic at first but has since tapered off. He was very remorseful, depressed, and spiritually shaken by his inexplicable behavior. I was clueless it was going on. Until then he had been the most loving, trustworthy and honest person I know. But throughout our marraige he has been insecure, jealous (for absolutely no reason), and never communicated his basic needs or that he felt they were not being met. For the past year our family has been in crisis. Son became a Meth Addict and nearly died. Our grandson who lives with us was born with Downs Syndrome and a rare heart defect that required two high risk surgeries to fix. During this time I threw all my energies into saving my son and grandson and I'm happy to say they are both alive and well now. However, I lost my 27-year marriage in a trade-off, apparently. Hubby couldn't handle feeling useless, neglected, and unappreciated during this time and emotionally abandoned me and our family and took up with a girl 24 years younger than him. I understand why: a past abuse victim, she was needy, clingy, adoring and looking for a father figure to please in only way she knows how to express love, sex. He needed someone who was likewise, needy, insecure, undemanding and appreciative. (In case you can't tell, I am not needy or insecure. I was temporarily when this first came out but not now.) I used to be appreciative and adoring, now, not so much! Anyways, Yadda...yadda...yadda... They fell in LOVE! They were SOUL MATES! Whatever. Imagine his surprise when I hacked into her facebook and showed him he was only one of several she was boinking and professing undying love for. Addiction over, problem solved. Here's the lingering issue though. We've been working on this for about 5 months with lots of ups and downs, you know the drill. Three weeks ago I got tired of working so hard to repair something I didn't feel much responsibility for breaking--some, but not much--and I moved out. Didn't know about Plan A and B then or I might have reconsidered. It's still a roller coaster, I just have a place to go now when I want to get off of it. My question is, how much worse could a divorce be? Yes, we love each other and have most of our lives, but I don't think I will ever be able to trust him. I'm not talking about having another affair, I'm talking about abandoning me in my time of highest need. I just don't think he has the emotional balls to hang in when the goin gets tough. And I still have a lot of resentment that I can't seem to pray away. While I was sleeping on a vinyl couch in an ICU waiting room praying for my grandson's life, he was boinking his child-girlfriend in a hotel. YUCK! He didn't much like my comment that he abused her as much as anyone else in her life had previously, either. Oops! Truth hurts. But to be fair, he is a very nice, giving man, and does many kind, helpful things for me, as well as for others: our parents, our children, people in our church, etc. He fixes my car, put a new shower in the house I'm staying in, found appliances for me and moved them in for me. But I can pay someone to do all that. Before the affair he was very loving and affectionate. Now that comes and goes in spurts (NO pun intended). What I really need I'm not sure he can give and I'm tired of this dance. Can anyone who had a long-term marriage before the affair and recovered tell me how that works? And can anyone who is divorced tell me if that's way more difficult than doing the work to repair the marriage? I'm just totally worn out. At this point I'd rather be alone.

Welcome! Your situation seems extremely hopeful to me. All you need is a plan to recover. By the way, usually separating isn't the solution. You need to consider moving back home.

Most people who get divorced regret it 5 years later. Check out the article "Does Divorce Make People Happy" on the American Values web page.

I suggest you scrape some money together for one call to the Harleys - very expensive, but they will cut to the chase and help you develop a recovery plan.

By the way, your feelings are completely normal. There are hundreds here who have recovered and now have a wonderful marriage.

Thanks for the reply. I know it seems hopeful on paper. We are very compatible and both have happy memories of our marriage history, but for me that almost makes it worse. How could the man who has been a rock for 26 years, loving and adoring all that time, turn into a crazy child-chasing psycho who would risk his marriage, family, my health, and all our worldly possessions, to lay a skanky ho? I've told him I forgive him and I've tried really hard to, but when I'm with him I either want to cry or punch him in the stomach! At first I did EVERYTHING to win him back. Now I've got him, I'm wondering why I tried so hard? What kind of prize did I win getting to keep a cheater? I can't move back home right now, I'm too weary and emotionally volatile. He is so scared of my crazy mood swings he barely speaks to me anymore. And that only feeds my anxiety. I hate this ride, I didn't voluntarily get on it and I want off! Any cute single guys on this list?... JUST KIDDING!!!

We call it buyers remorse when you start wondering what kind of prize you've "won". Also most people go through extreme anger at around 6 months.

If you read the stories here, it is very common that WS's are willing to toss their spouses, children, homes, everything for their affair partner. We've even had a few that left their spouse and kids for someone they never met in person.

It might help to think of him as a heroin addict, willing to lose it all for their fix.

Hopefully some happily recovered people here will post to you. I divorced my WS, but then, it took him almost 4 years to wake up.

He's human? I don't mean that in a snide way. I understand your questions and your hurt. I had put my husband on a pedestal, so he had a long way to fall when the slip happened. But the bottom line is that he was nothing more than a man... and a man that had his head turned by a needy girl 18 years his junior.

Harley will be the first to tell you that we are all capable of having an affair. The question you may want to ask yourself is if you feel that the "man in the affair" or the "man in the marriage" is closer to who your husband really is. None of us want to be defined by our mistakes... however, if you think that he will continue to repeat the mistakes he has made, then divorce is a viable option. On the other hand, if you think he has learned (or is willing to learn) from his mistakes and not repeat them, you have a place to start rebuilding your marriage.

NO KIDDING !!! That's the million dollar question that each of us has asked ourselves.
I say a weak person, but that is not the politically correct answer. That's me being snide.

I agree with believer that your M sounds hopeful.

You sound wore down, like a horse ready for the glue factory. If you haven't read about the love bank theory, on this site, it would be a good one to start with.
Your love bank sounds almost empty, I say almost b/c you still have good things to say about your H and I too get the impression that you want to say married to him.

Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs are 2 good books to read, both written by Dr. Harley and explain and expand on the love bank.

Are you sure there is no contact with WH and OW? How do you know?
It doesn't sound like your WH wants out of the M. What has he done, I don't mean said, I mean done to show you his committment to rebuild and restore your faith in him?
Who do you and WH have for emotional support?
Did you expose the affair?

You did well btw, to survive and deal with your life crises. Women are so much tougher than what we give ourselves credit for.

Take care.

We did really well at making love bank deposits at first. We were really reconnecting and the future seemd bright. Then I found out he bumped into her at a friend's house and did not leave and began e-mailing her. I told him I could never trust him again and kicked him out. He begged forgiveness, sent a very strongly worded NC message and worked really hard at proving he only wanted me. But I was too hurt, and by the time I started coming around he was worn out with trying. So now I am depressed and resentful. He is overwhelmed with guilt and emotionally cautious.

I feel like I've done all I could. I broke him of the A addiction and apologized for being too distracted with our other family crises to notice he was feeling neglected and unappreciated and I immediately rectified those things.

Yes, I know for sure there is NC since November. He changed his cellphone number and we have blocked her from our e-mail accounts. After he sent her the very blunt NC letter, she called me wanting to tell me ALL about every detail of the A. No thanks! Get a life. He said that action completely killed any leftover feelings he might have had for her. I believe him when he says he doesn't want her AT ALL and is in fact embarrassed and disgusted by her.

The bottom line is and I have told him, for the first 6 months I did most of the work and he just faked it. Now it's his turn. My top needs are honesty, romance/affection, and conversation. Fill those and you'll win me. Don't and I'm outta here. He has to pursue me to keep me. It may not be Harley's advice but I can't help it. Mama raised me with too much self-esteem to keep prostrating myself without enthusiastic reciprocation.

I also asked him to suggest some recreational activities we can do together. We used to do everything together, camping, car shows, tae kwon do, etc. But his business nixed all that and created the situation where he was never home to help me with things so I quit asking for help and handled it myself, causing him to feel unappreciated...etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. Anyway he hasn't come up with any activities and wants me to make a list first. Nope. This is the ONE relationship building concept I've asked him to take the initiative on. If he won't then he doesn't care enough and he will just be alone, feeling guilty and miserable and I will move on and be happy.

Thanks for all of the advice. There are some really wise people on here. Too bad this area of the MB message board even has to exist and there are so many new people joining each day. My heart aches for them.

Dancin,

The MB seminar is coming up at the end of this month. Dr. Harley explains the plan so well, you leave with enthusiasm that your M can actually be great.

It seems pricey, but it is cheaper than a divorce.

The two of you sound like you have fallen out of love, this can be restored.

You mention that you are depressed, it's easy to see a dismal future in this state of mind.

Take care.

There is so much more to Dr. Harley's program than just meeting ENs. To recover from an affair, your WS needs to put into place extraordinary precautions. Those are the FOUNDATION to the rebuilding.

Meeting ENs is not what builds trust. Avoiding love busters is not what builds trust. Extraordinary precautions (EPs) build trust because they give you a REASON to trust again...gradually, as the WS proves himself worthy of trust by FOLLOWING THROUGH with the EPs.

I'll have my FWS (tst) post some examples of his EPs.

Another aspect of the program is 15+ hours per week of undivided attention. This is time you spend together meeting ENs. Without it, there is not enough positive interaction to begin to replace all the hurt that you've suffered.

Where is your husband at with recovery? He is on board with rebuilding the marriage?

My first suggestion would be for you to call and schedule an appointment with the Harley's for marriage coaching. Or even better, attend the March MB weekend next weekend. It would jumpstart you both with a plan of HOW to recover.