First off, I hope I'm posting in the right section.

I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I'm 21 years old and had been with my partner for 3 years. After about a year of being together, we decided to move in together. It was our first night in our home that I found out about the OW. From what I found out they had hooked up a couple of times. I decided to stay with him and work through it since I loved him and we had just moved in together. 6 months went by, and I felt too suspicious all the time so we broke up. We continued seeing each other and ended up getting back together a month later. On our 2 year anniversary, he became involved with an ex of his. I found out and we broke up...again. I began seeing someone else, but after a month, I got back with my current partner. He had convinced me and all of my friends and family that he had changed, and would never cheat again. We moved back in together Sept 08. I found out Jan 09 that he had cheated again. I left immediately. I love him terribly. Many of my friends know about his infidelities and keep telling me to never speak to him again. I can't seem to help myself though. After moving out and trying to avoid him, he is back in my life. He continues to insist that he loves me and will never cheat again. I feel stupid wanting to believe him. We had made plans to get married, we chose out our future son's name. I love him very much but what am I supposed to do? I can't trust him at all, and how do I even attempt to move forward with him without trust? I know I'm young, but that shouldn't matter. It also shouldn't matter that I'm not married, because I believe that when you love someone and are committed to someone, marriage shouldn't make a difference in that commitment. Please someone help me!!

Run now unless you want to be going through this later while married with kids. Find a guy who will not cheat on you.

I totally hear you. I wish so badly that people can change. I really do try to look at the best in people. I don't understand how people can betray someone like that which I guess is why I want to believe they can change so badly. What if someone can change?

Hi Chelsea,
I feel for you but have to say -- run while you can If he puts that ring on your finger and marries you --- you will be back here for his continued infidelity.

You are committed -- he is not. Even though you love someone you want them to respect you also.

He has to have a reason to want to change. Without a reason he will stay the same.

I know that to stay with him would be incredibly stupid...I've been searching and searching for someone who can tell me that yes people can change and there is hope. I feel as if I'm giving up hope, which is why it's so hard for me to let go, i think. Oh, does anyone know where I can find out what all the little acronyms mean? I'm totally lost with all the OW, WH, D-day, etc etc

That's what I believe as well, he says that a life without me is all the reason he needs. I mean, in the past I can't say I've been particularly firm or strong when it's come to his infidelities, I'm actually moving out of town for about a year. Now i've told him that I won't consider dating him before the year is up, which would give him some time to prove he's changed. But how do you do that? How does someone prove they've changed. I'm a big follower of gut instinct, but sometimes my gut's not enough

Chelsea99,

I hope that I can say something to help you out.

It sounds like your boyfriend has always had a problem with this even before you met him. I know that this might be hard to hear, but he could very well have a sexual addiction which Dr Harley has many years of experience in dealing with. My husband too has this same problem which began when he was very young. Your boyfriend needs help and if he does not get it he is not going to change. I know again this is hard to hear, but I want to be open with you and tell you the truth. Please take it from me who is 46 years old and has some experience. A good book not written by Dr. Harley is called Every Man's Battle which deals directly with this problem. Please also read Dr Harley's His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters books to get a great perspective on your situation.

Have you ever thought about the possibility that you can be codependent with your boyfriend? Take it from me again, I can honestly say that even in my marriage I have been very codependent. One of the signs I believe can be that we just don't want to give up this person that we love even when things are as bad as they are. We feel so deeply that we need them and can not live without them. As long as we think this way we will not be able to see that there really is a better way than what we have been living in.

I truly believe that there is more than one person on this planet that you can be deeply in love with. In fact, I believe that you can be more deeply in love with someone else other than this guy because he will not be doing the things that this guy is doing. Remember, I was your age once and I felt that I could not love someone else as deeply as my real love, not true.

Being suspicious is not a bad thing. You have every right to be suspicious because what you were feeling was right on and it turned out to be true. If he made you feel bad because he did not like your suspicion, shame on him. My husband would show his anger towards me when I was suspicious. Why? because I was right and he did not want me to know what he was really doing.

Dr. Harley does talk about married couples having affairs and how they can love their spouse along side also being in love with the lover.

I do not think that you should feel stupid about believing him because your heart wants to believe in the best. But, when it comes down to reality he is not acting the way he should and he is not giving his all just to you.

I believe that you should both get counseling and this site has just that. Again, take it from me, you will never be able to change him and as long as he is living like this nothing will change. You will continue to live this way if you choose stay in this situation.

You are right, you can't trust him and YOU SHOULD NOT!! In one of Dr. Harley's books he makes a comment about trusting the person who is unfaithful. He says something like, "would you trust the Wayward Spouse, I would not."

I hope this was of some help and that I was not hard on you.


Cindy

chelsea,


People can change, when they want to. NOt when you want them to. But, here is the most important fact. You come across as a nice young lady, way too young to be involved in a mess like this. My bet is you are a loving and trust young lady, and you want to love and trust the man in your life.

IF this is so, you MUST get rid of him, for he will force you to change. You will lose your trust, you will lose your time for having fun unemcumbered. You will have a hard time really loving deeply and truly, if you remain with him. You need to grow, mature, see things, and remain capable of deep love and trust for a man that deserves such love and trust. Your boyfriend does not.

Oh, he may change, if he does I would bet it will be about when he is 30. If you try to stay with him until he does, it will harm you deeply and will surely destroy your feelings for him.

Chelsea, you are a very young girl. First love is deep love, but you need to learn about relationships and marriage and you have found a wonderful site to learn from. Please read Dr. Harley's articles and you will begin to see relationships in a far different light. Love is not a feeling, it is actions. That is why in marriage vows we can promise to love our spouse for a lifetime and do it. Feelings come and go, but to act lovingly toward someone is within our control.

Please, please read the articles and let this very immature young man go. He must grow and change but it cannot be with you right now, the data is very clear on that. Do yourself a huge favor and learn to live with yourself, support yourself, entertain yourself. If you do these things you will become a woman that men will strive to be with.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Chelsea99,

The answer is people can change, I believe this 100%. I have myself have been changed because of my circumstances. Believe it or not I am more mature in my life now than I was before. Let adversity strengthen you. This guy you have been seeing can honestly change too.


Cindy

He is a serial cheater. He will only give you a sad life. Leave now. He has cheated many times. What are you going to do when he leaves you with three kids? Or has had cheated on you for thirty years.

What does it tell you that at the beginning of a relationship when the BF is the most into you he needs to have sex with other women?