Hey Everyone,

New person here. Not sure if this is the place to address this and if it is not please feel free to move to the appropriate forum.

Well anyway here is my situation. Wife and I have been married for close to 10 years. I just turned 39 she is 34. So last November we got into an arguement heated words were exchanged long story short at first she was like we can work this out I said I needed to think so I cam back 24 hours later and said I really love you and want to work this out. She then said she thought about it and wanted out of the marriage (not sure how you can go from wanting it to work out saying how much you love someone to wanting to end it in a 24 hour time period but that is a questions for another day). Anyway 4 days later she moves out.

I did the whole begging, pleading, I love you, ect thing for the next two months. I know now that was a big mistake but at least I know that now. Anyway I know there is a lot that I need to change so I started working on myself. Going to a therapist, speaking to a minister, etc. I guess trying to get myself mentally, spiritually and physically back to a good place.

So anyway for this whole time I have been trygin to get her to go to counseling. She finally agreed after as she put it "brow beat" her into it. I really did not follow up with it because I did not want enter counseling with soemone that was unwilling. So she never filed for the divorce she wanted so I kind of told her that we should move forward with the divorce earlier this week. She started to back peddle a little bit asking me where this was coming from, who I was talking to, etc.. So we go back anf forth I tell her that I love her and I want her to be happy and it is not what i want but it does not seem like anything I do makes a difference. She then goes well I told you I would go to 1 therapy session I said well you told me I brow beat you into it. Anyway she agees to go. A friend then tells me about this class that worked wonders for their situation I suggest it but first she doesn't want to go then by the end of the day she says she will think about it. Well next day comes and she says she will go but the session that I suggested is too short notice (a side note I really only found out about the class recently and it was only two days away) She keeps saying I don't want to give you false hope and it probably wont change her mind.

Anyway can anyone give me insight? I don't want to read anything more into it then is really there. I really love my wife and want this to work out but at the same time I don't want to leave myself open to major disappoinment and then get crushed to find out she only did this because she feels obligated. Any insight would be fantastic.

Thanks

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us.

Do you mind me asking what the argument in November was about?

Not at all. Well I have kind of been on an incredible run of traumatic stuff for the past few years. A parent and an uncle passing away, father had medical problems, brother almost died, recently facing the possibility of losing my job, etc... Well all these pressures built up over time and unfortunately I internalized all these things until i just could not handle it and blew up. So the fight was my fault. I said stuff I did not mean. I was feeling so out of control in my life it was almost like I had a mental breakdown. Since all this has gone on I started seeing a therapist, talking to a pastor and going back to church. I am so incredibly sorry for everything I said.

And you are certain there is not another man anywhere in the picture, right?

Your starting point should be Plan A, which is showing her what a great husband you could be, without relationship talk. Will she do things with you? The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

And I'm sorry for all of the stress and grief you've been going through.

Well I am pretty sure there isn't but to be honest there is not any real way of knowing for sure...

I hear a lot of people talkign about plan A but can't find a detailed description of what to do. I have been trying that but seeign we are not living in the same house anymore it is hard to do on a consistent basis. We just agreed to start doing things on a weekly basis like lunch, walk in the park, coffee, etc.. Unfortunately we both work fulltime and she is finishign her undergrad degree and me my MBA so not sure 15 hours is realistic goal at the moment but a few hours is a start.

Thank you

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Here is the link here on the marriage builders site that explains about plans A and B. Hope it helps!

Thanks!

I will look at it but what if there is not another person involved? Are there steps or other plans?

W_R,

In my signature line are a couple of links you might want to check out. On the first couple of pages of my "Musings" thread I have some stuff related to Plan A. On the thread I call "Trouble Shooting and Repair Manual" I have a short summary of MB methods with a sort of step by step application of them.

I would also like to suggest to you Dr Harley's book, Fall In Love Stay In Love which you can get from the bookstore on this site, from other on-line book sellers and probably from your local bookstore as well. Many Christian bookstores sell Dr Harley's works usually under the heading of family/marriage.

Be sure you have read the basic concepts and ask any questions you might have about the ideas presented. For some the notion that the feeling of "love" is not something magical can be hard to take since it FEELS like magic when it is happening.

You might want to consider a MB weekend with your wife if you can swing it financially and she will agree to attend. Along with the weekend you get a personal follow-up in private forums and have access to Dr H personally for questions.

As for whether or not there is another man around, I would do some detective work. Possible contacts might be at work, at kids' events, contractors who might do regular work for you like the lawn guy etc. I will tell you that if you ask her if there is someone else she will undoubtedly say there is not. The difficulty with that is that if there is not, she will say there is not and if there is, she will also say there is not...So don't bother to ask. Do some snooping first and see if you can turn up anything unusual or suspicious.

There are a lot of possible signs that there might be someone else and some are almost sure things, but just having signs does not constitute enough to accuse anyone of betrayal. So do a little digging and see what you turn up.

BTW, while Plan A is supposed to work against an affair, the fact that it is really designed to make the betrayed spouse a better choice than the affair partner means that it can work in any situation where one marriage partner is in a state of Withdrawal.

Mark