RN -

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Pep <~~~ RN too

I feel like I am going to break down completely today.I guess its the first day I realized that things will probable only go downhill from here.

I only got to do Plan A for 1 week before he left and it was really pretty good - even he admitted. Now he is gone and mad about the guns. I don't feel that I'm ready for Plan B. Especially because our son is taking this so hard and doing strange things.Sometimes we need to talk about what is going on with him although my H minimizes the impact it is having on him.

Its not realistic to think that we can totally end contact for now because there are so many issues to work out about our finances, the rest of his things, etc. I'm afraid that he will go ahead and file for divorce just to get the guns back...they mean that much to him. Also everytime I try to talk calmly to him, I get the psycho babble you all talk about and turns everything around back on me as if its all my fault.

How can I show him to best me when he is gone and is so furious with me? I want to do plan A longer but I never got the chance. I'm afraid I did all the wrong things....

Have you seen a medical professional for your (undoubted) physical responses to this trauma?

It is useful to be on anti depressants or anti anxiety meds.

How much weight have you lost?
How much sleep are you averaging per night this week?

You are WAY too premature for Plan B - you need to Plan A - and that means the carrot AND the stick.

Have you changed the locks on your home yet?

If not, DO THIS ASAP. WH has decided to MOVE OUT - and when that happens - change the locks and the garage door opener code.

Don't be afraid he will file.

Most dumbasswanderingspouseholes threaten this when the consequences annoy them.

"OK ... NOW you've made me mad. I'm going to file."

They seldom file. Really, it's true.
Your WH is no different than most WH.
All entitlement and threats and yet highly conflicted.

Here's something you don't know yet.

The more you make his adultery HURT WH - (with consequences) the less romantic adultery becomes.

It's all about consequences RN. Never stand in the way of his consequences - it's the only "wake up call" the WH hears.

RN,
So far so good. Your WH feels like his life is unraveling like a cheap sweater. This is good. You won't break down, I know it feels like that, but you won't, really.
Things will go down hill, expect it. This will be curvy gravel road with a lot of pot holes. This is not an impossible road to travel when you have a map. People here have given you a map.
You are fighting for your family.

Your WH noticed a change in you only after one week. This is good. Standing up for yourself and not crumbling like stale soda crackers shows grit and integrity. Keep with it.

Stay honest with your son, keep him in the loop. This impacts his life as much as yours. Explain to him that WH is being a lousy father right now and to not believe what he is saying. Tell him that WH is falsely justifying his actions b/c of selfishness and being addicted to the attention of OW in their fantasy life.

Do not take anything personally that your WH says to you. This is really hard, but if you let it get to you, it will throw you off your game. That can't happen.
Practice in your head, looking at him and letting his words roll off your shoulders.
It is so important to keep your emotions intact. Walk away, change the subject, or hang up when he starts to babble. The more you do this, the better you will get at it.
BTW, babble is anything that does not make sense, something that no reasonable person would say. Your WH is not reasonable right now.

Exposure continues to be a priority, this will be the one that you will regret.

Take care.

Last night we talked on the phone for a while about our son. He says it was a good conversation between us. He had talked to our son on the phone and tried to make him feel better about all this and told him we are going to be nice to each other now.

Then he said he needed to come today to get some of his things. I asked "Just a few things are are you leaving for a while?" He said "No I need to leave for a while. He said "This is not you. You are a wonderful, sweet person...the problem is me. I'm confused and I need to get my head on straight. I do want you to know that the last week when you were trying was very good and I won't forget it. I need some time away."

I said, well if you need time away from me then I'll give you that time. I'll try not to call or bother you. He said to feel free to call - especially about our son. He also said he had thought about helping my son and I finish the home project that he started but wouldn't comit to when.

I even told him that I thought our son might be better off living with him right now as he really needs his father right now and he said " I've offered that to him and if he wants to stay here he is welcome. I'll even get him a key"

I did make one mistake. When he said that about the week that was good, I made some remark about "yes, I'll miss the great sex we had." He was nice but really didn't respond.

Now I'm really confused. Not sure now if there is someone else. Need all of the emotional fortitude I can get to act right when he comes over today to get things. I'm dying on the inside and hurt so badly.

Please tell me how to act, what to say, how to make myself feel right so I can act right. You guys are great....

"He said "This is not you. You are a wonderful, sweet person...the problem is me. I'm confused and I need to get my head on straight. I do want you to know that the last week when you were trying was very good and I won't forget it. I need some time away."

This is word for word what my cheating ex told me. I'm certain he is having an affair.

You are probably right but why did he invite my son to live there? Last night I went driving over to where I think she lives but he truck was not there and I really do believe he was home. Said he told my son that if he didn't want to stay home last night, that he could stay there...

RN,
Pepper gave you a link to read March 5. Read that, the carrot and the stick, it will help guide you.
Read up on Plan A, and do your very best at it. Look good, have the house neat and tidy.
You want him to believe that you are fine, you are strong.

You sound like you are questioning an A. He is most certainly having an A.
He talks the talk, and no spouse needs to leave to find themselves, that's just plain crazy. No spouse needs a private condo.
Don't let these doubts of yours weaken the plan. Stay strong.

WH should not be removing anything other than his personal belongings. Everything else is marital property and stays in the marital home. Don't make it easy for him to start a new life.

Reread the advise given so far and execute it.

I hope you are still working on exposing, this is the cheapest and really the simplest way to start knocking some sense into WH.

Because he is conflicted about his adultery.

Have you bought any of the books yet?

Surviving An Affair ... otherwise known as SAA

You need to educate yourself now, not next week.

OK so lets assume he is having an affair. I'm still trying to catch him and haven't given up on that - just been unable to catch him yet.

Is it possible to do Plan A once a WH has already moved out? I probably won't even get much opportunity to see him anymore. How can I still do this?

Yes to what Pep said. Also, he is in a fog. You can't look for logic or rationality in what he says. He says your son can move in with him; He is not thinking rationally about the ramifications of his son moving in with him.

By the way, how old is your son? I am concerned that your H is setting up a new household and having a fantasy of having your son live with him. This leaves you out of the picture. I hope that your son stays with you in the marital home.

Did you read what Lousy Golfer advised you to do regarding your marital assets? Have you done anything to protect those assets?
Don't allow him to come and take things out of your home. He has his clothes, right? What else does he need?

I have not had to experience Plan A with a spouse out of the home. But others on this board have done this. Remember, Plan A is not just for him--it is for YOU. Plan A helps you to be the best person that you can be. You exercise, eat right, get involved in activities that you enjoy, help others through volunteer work, look good, smell good--Do all the things you need to do in order to feel good about yourself.

Take a look at his emotional needs. Since he has not filled out the emotional needs questionnaire, you just take your best guess about his top emotional needs. You do your best to meet those needs whenever you can.

But this does not mean that you are a doormat. Remember the stick of Plan A. Protect yourself and protect your marital finances. This is certainly a part of Plan A in your situation. Your H has moved out. He has bought a condo. Part of your Plan A is to stand firm and protect your future by protecting marital assets.

Do you work?

My son is 19 years old and knows most of what has been going on. He has even also been trying to find out if H having affair.

Stopped direct deposit yesterday so H would not have access to my check. Also changed password on our online bank account information. He told me yesterday that he will not change me as the beneficiary on his life insurance or retirement.

I think having a very smart 19 year old in his home would somewhat cramp his style. Especially since my son has told him repeatedly that he will be very upset if his dad is seeing anyone else.

You cannot listen or believe anything that he SAYS right now. You have to look at his ACTIONS.

What is the status of your bank account? Has he been withdrawing funds? You changed the on-line password so he cannot look at the account on-line. But this does not stop him from removing funds from the account.

When both of our checked were direct deposited yesterday, I transferred most of the money to the account that only has my name on it. He has no checks for that account and I don't think the bank would let him withdraw money from an account without his name on it. The business account has a small amount of money left in it and I did not touch that as he considers that his and uses it to pay his bills. I left just enough in the joint account to cover some automatic drafts that will come in. I paid bills and drew out the rest in cash and have it hidden. How's that?

Good job. Now stop asking if he is having an affair. You will just cause him to go underground more. Let him think that you accept his "needs space" idea.

You need to have a plan and be smarter than he.

Have you bought any of the books yet?

Surviving An Affair ... otherwise known as SAA

You need to educate yourself now, not next week.

No I have not bought books but I will.

You can order from this site's bookstore (link at top)
or you can buy it today at any bookstore

or you can get it from the library and start reading while you wait for your copy to arrive.

it is very difficult to help a BS that has no real basic affair knowledge.
Once you've read SAA - a huge light bulb will switch ON in your head and you will no longer feel lost in the dark without a clue.

Right now, you are fighting something you don't understand - and therefore you are losing.