My marriage of 10 years has reached the state of my wife separating from me because she feels she is not in love with me anymore (it has been 2 months)I have not filled her emotional needs over the course of our marriage.We have also issues of distrust to deal with.She does not trust me because of things that happened early in our relationship.I have also let myself end up in situations that appeared worse than they were through acts of not using common sense.These acts built on my wifes distrust and insecurities. We have had problems for a number of years that have not been dealt with properly as I just felt our love was enough to carry us through anything.I realize now how wrong that was and my short comings to provide my wife her needs. We have supposedly tryed to work things out on several occasions over the years,but in all honesty nothing really changed. No extra effort was put in.Needs were still not being fulfilled, and more likely than not mostly on my part.I love my wife tremendously and don't want to lose her.I have started reading your material and find it very enlightening and a real eye opener.My wife feels that this time is no different than any other time and that nothing will change.She thinks I will say anything and promise anything to get her back.She has become cold and does not want to listen.She has also taken the comfort of another man to fill her emotional needs.So far I believe it is just a friendship, but I certainly have opened the door to an affair.She say's - he makes me happy. My attempts at trying to work things out are falling on deaf ears so far and I don't know what to do. I do not want to lose her. We or mostly I am guilty of so many of the problems you mention in your material and it is so accurate it is scary. My marriage is important and I believe I can give my wife what she requires, I just don't know how to open up the lines of communication to begin the healing process. As I said she thinks my attempts so far are all a bunch of B.S. What do I do ? Where do I start?? <BR>

It aint over yet. Marriage counselling, communication and being patient can go a long way. Don't give up. If you want the marriage to work, stay put.<BR>I there an affair involved? You posted here.

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know all of your situation but it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. I do that all the time. Remember that it always takes two people to make or break a marriage. I'm sure if you really sat and thought about things you'd see that.<P>You can't change what's been done. You CAN make changes in yourself for the better of you. She will see them in time. The other man concerns me. Please read about "Plan B". <P>Take care of getting yourself together. Exercise, journal, get loads of rest, and get involved in something that takes a lot of your time (to get your mind off things.) You might consider some anti depressants so you can think clearly. I was skeptical of them at first but they do help.<P>I say this in almost all of my postings but.... you can't control what SHE does but you can control YOU. You can only do what's right from this point on .... let the past go. It doesn't help to dwell on it ... only hinders you from your future.<P>Take care and keep posting here.<P>Ann

Hello missingmywife, and welcome!!<P>I am a W who was in your W's position. Here's what I have to offer you:<P>Show her oodles of love, let her know often that you want your marriage to succeed and that you love her more than anything.<P>Listen when she talks. Repeat what she's said so that you're both sure you understand her needs.<P>Quit being so hard on yourself. If, and it's a BIG if, she CHOOSES to have an affair, it won't be your fault. Some of the marriage problems may well be your fault, but her affair, if there is one, will be HER FAULT ONLY.<P>Forgive for whatever has happened so far. Ask her forgiveness for your mistakes.<P>Seek counseling together, and apart if you think it will help.<P>You are doing great so far. You love your W, you're working on things before they get too far... <P>Best wishes to you...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

fighter,<BR>Thanks. As I mentioned I don't believe there has been an affair yet, but it could be close.I am hoping it does not happen as that will complicate issues further.I have opened the door undoubtedly as she feels no love for me right now and does not think there is any hope to recapture it.

Ann, I thank you for your words as well. It is a new experience for me to place blame on myself as I always heaped it on her shoulders and thought she had the problems. I think I caused these problems by not listening and not hearing what she needed. What is this Plan B you mention ? Most of this is new to me. I do have trouble getting my mind off things - it seems fixing what is broken is consuming me. I almost fell desperate to repair things in hurry before it goes to far.

Cheryl,<BR>thank you<BR>I have always had a hard time listening but I have been making more of an effort since my awakening. I believe I know what see was lacking from me.Foregiveness is my goal and to give instead of being a taker.At this point my w refuses to consider counseling. She feels it would be a waste of time and money.Hopefully she will come around and the love we once shared will mean more to her. And I sure hope the big "if" does not happen.<BR>

Welcome Missingmywife,<P>Let me just add a few things to what the others have said. First, resolution of this problem is likely going to take longer than you ever imagined. It's a rollercoaster ride. You can help yourself by lowering your expectations. Try to avoid getting too high or too low. Don't talk too much. I agree w/New Beginnings that you should show your W love, but DO NOT SMOTHER HER! Let your actions do the talking. Your words are worthless to her. She will likely only believe what she sees, not what she hears. Communicate to her in a very non-threatening way that you consider an affair to be outside the boundry of a marriage and then don't bring it up again. Listen more and talk less.<P>Come here for advice and support. Good luck and God Bless. <P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by nlitend (edited October 20, 1999).]

MMW, Ususally when ther is a full scale retreat and she disengages like that, there is a high potential for one if not one in full swing. <BR>Give it the full push to work on the problems by scheduling MC and talking to her about the problems that you two need to solve. If she is evasive, that means she is probably hiding something. I hope not but be ready for that potential. Hopefully you have caught this early enough.

I agree with the other posts.Stay positive,take care of yourself and learn to be more humble in your understanding of her needs.She probably doesnt feel appreciated so try and remember what made you fall in love with her in the first place and try to rekindle those feelings and actions.Please give her time to find herself again though so that she can come to grips of how she really feels about you just let her know that you are there for you.Im sorry you are in pain..sometimes love is so damn hard isnt it? Take care

hello new_beginging,<BR>Can you tell me more about how you got to the position my w is in ? Was there an affair with you ? How did you feel about it before and after ? My w told me today she has not slept with this person, but if she decides to it is her decision and for her only.She feels right now that there would be nothing wrong with it. she has no feelings for me but anger. I said no matter how you feel now and how angry you are - it is not right. She said - why don't you find someone. On the other hand she says when I decide to leave or stay it will be for good. If I decide to stay we will have alot of talking to do. If I decide to go you have to let me go. I don't see how I have a snow balls chance in hell, she's met someone who makes her happy right now and all I do is remind her of pain. What chance do I have ?

Thanks for the posting's from nlitend, fighter & sweetpea.<BR>nlitend you are right it is an unimagineable roller coaster right now.One minute I see hope the next minute I see hell. How do you cope ? What kind of things can a person do to deal with this. Patience is not my strong suit. I want this so bad it is hard to hold back. I can't seem to lower my expectations. They are simple I refuse to except the fact that we cannot work it out. The unfortunate part is that I am the only one who feels this way ? You are right about the words part. It seems when I say something she gets a look of - "yah right" on her face. But when I do something it seems better. I'll try remember that.<BR>fighter - what is MMW (remember I'm new)<BR>How do you get someone to commit to marriage counseling when they think it is a waste of time ???<BR>sweetpea - how does someone come to grips with what they felt about one person when another has entered the picture ??

Hey I have a question for everyone...At this point in my separation when she is in total retreat - what effect will it have getting friends and family involved in a comforting and supportive manner ? Ie; boy I hope you guys can work things out etc. Please give me all the advise on this you can..Remember we have been apart 2 months. I have advise everyone to not call her and to give her space so no-one has been in contact with her. Today my father ran in to her and grabbed her and started crying and telling her to hang in there and work things out. She started crying and came right to see me. It was good for an instant until I opened my mouth and told her we would be ok and would work things out soon and that I could be the man she needed me to be.The flame was snuffed instantly..<P>Please let me know what you think about involving others..

MMW is you MiisingMyWife. I just like to shorten long names. You cannot get her to commit to counselling if she does not want it. If she won't go, You go and get help. You are going to need it..,..

Well I think she has now slept with him. What do I do know. It feels like I have been run over by a truck. What a bit-h. Here I have been sitting her in pain all this time thinking that there was light at the end of the tunnel. I had faith in our love and what we once meant to each other. How can someone tell you one minute I am trying to sort my feelings out for you and if I come back we will do some serious talking and then on the same night step out and commit adultry ?