Krazy, my bro, some random thoughts (as usual).

""who's continuing to live with the attacker and trying to learn to enjoy it.
I really don't feel that it defines who I am, but every time I look at her I think about this whole mess.""

She is the CONSTANT REMINDER that all BSs who opt for the recovery road are faced with.

Because you witnessed the betrayal sets you apart.

I don't know if the passing of time can mend your pain.

The folks here do have a point about the $$$$ cost of D vs cost of therapy / counseling.

We can tell that you still love your wife dearly when you relate to us how hard she is trying.

But you hate her for changing your entire life around and causing you to become someone you did not intend to be.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

Or..sometimes..am there, still doing that.

Maybe a couple of sessions of couples therapy would be a good idea so you could get these feelings you are relaying to us out in the open.

Maybe you could both then find some common ground to work on and from.

She may be thinking every thing is hunky dory with things back to the usual.

Does she even have a clue of your torment?

Again, reminds me of my sitch. Kinda.

Take care of yourself. Holding it all in probably is not too healthy.

IMHO

kirk

Krusht,

No, she has no idea of my torment. She's been trying so hard...many months ago I made a conscious effort to not constantly seem destroyed by the affair. I was driving us both crazy. I thought maybe "fake it til you make it" would work for me. It hasn't, but it convinced her that we were doing much better, and well on our way to a full recovery.

Now, when I tell her how I've really felt all along, it's going to devastate her. That's what I get for being dishonest.

I shouldn't have mentioned the lack of money. I'm sure I could scrape together enough for some counseling if I had to. The problem is, I don't really want to. My heart wouldn't be in it.

I'm such a jerk for not being honest with her all along. I was afraid I'd drive her away.

Talk about irony.

You're not a jerk for having a normal response to trauma.
You thought you could work it through.

I don't think of it as being a jerk. IMHO, every BH goes into crisis mode for a while. Once the emergency has passed, a whole set of emotions can come up.

I personally think you'd be better served sorting through those before you make a final decision. From your posts, I can't tell if you are angry at your FWW, angry at yourself, angry at the world, or what. I also can't tell if its anger or contempt or disgust.

I'm not angry with anyone right now. I just feel empty and defeated. Of course there is plenty of resentment there, too.

My primary feeling is fear, actually. How on Earth are my wife and kids going to react if I drop this bomb on them? What is my life going to be like if I'm single for the first time since I was 23? What will become of me if I don't drop the bomb for fear of hurting them?

Of course I'm not the first person to have these concerns, but they are eating me up.

Krazy, you probably don't want to hear from me, in fact last time I posted on one of your threads, about a lie detector test, I think, no one else ever posted again.....

But...

I know I've said that you're a lot like my BH, as a matter of fact I still wonder if you are he.....

Please, please please if you're going to do it, just do it, do it quickly, just move out or kick her out or whatever.... (and please let's not start the debate about the WW or FWW or whatever handing over custody, etc. We've been there, done that with that discussion).

You've now spent how long hiding what you really feel, she will be completely blindsided. One may argue that she deserves it, but has dishonesty ever been deserved? She thinks she is doing what you needed to have done to recover. It sounds like she really has been trying, you acknowledge she has been doing what you asked for recovery.

Don't drag it out, decide what you want and move forward. It's been a death of 10000 cuts for you, and for her too, though she is unaware of some of them....

I wonder, how long after the BH/BW decides to R the marriage do they retain the right to divorce? Is that always the "get out of jail free card" in their back pocket? No matter how long? So LousyGolfer's Flamingo can now just turn around and say, too bad, so sorry, glad you changed but I want a divorce and you did it to yourself?

If you havent been honest in the recovery process were you ever really in recovery?

The one thing that makes me pretty certain that you arent' my BH is that he makes it quite plain that he dislikes me, that he really would rather be divorced and generally can't stand me, unless it's as a -in his words- F*** pig. You at least try to hide it.

If you really feel like you do, it will be an overall relief to everyone to just divorce.

It is not best for your kids, but gee whiz, how long do you really want this to go on?????

Sorry, this is probably a thread killer.

Krazy1,

I'm probably the king of hiding your emotions while trying to make it work, so I thought I would offer my advice. I don't think there is a time limit where the BS is no longer allowed to say I just can't do it. It seems like you have tried in good faith and now you are deciding you are done.

Why don't you make a firm decision that you are doing option D and then sit with that for a few days or so. You will know if it is the right decision by the way you are reacting. Once you decide, either way, you need to have a frank discussion with your FWW about how you are feeling and why you hid your true feelings.

I was in turmoil all the way up to the actual D, but after that I came to know that it was the right decision.

Krazy

Ive been right where you are and not that long ago. Now that I think about it, some days I am STILL where you are.

If your W doesnt know about how you feel, she cant meet whatever EN you need in order to feel better. Something is missing for you. It was for me too. Once I told my H how I felt, things started to get better. I went from feeling how you feel now every day to feeling like how you feel now every couple of weeks.

Its progress and I will take it.

Krazy besides our name similarities you and i have always agreed on the "fog" (or lack there of should i say) and i too feel the way you feel almost every day (you should read my thread in recovery ).

However i did tell my FWH of my feelings and even set a date. And since i have done that he is trying harder to help me recover. Which is progress.

I too do wonder if "i" will ever get over the betrayal itself and how long do you get to use that "get out of jail free" card?

I think you should talk to your FWW, it can't get worse can it?

The resentment for me was UNBARABLE. I think that some people know off the bat they can never get passed an A. For me, I knew. I never wanted kids from D either, but sometimes your hand is forced. I wish it weren't so. I miss them so much. I just couldn't live in the hell of seeing her w/ that sweet smile all the time, while knowing the nasty details of the A. The resentment would have overcome me, especially had I not lashed out. I think at some point you just have to draw a line in the sand. Three years and still struggling, yeah its getting to that point unfortunately. I count my blessing every day that I was able to walk.

Dude

Dude, you had a revenge A. You're no better than any WH. Just because it was done to you first doesn't make it okay. I guess you thought it made you feel so good you'd do it back?

Krazy is hurt beyond belief, I think most of us agree here that his "discovery story" is the worst one on the boards so far, and he has not done that to his FWW.

Krazy, I guess what I struggle with is that I am trying to do all that my BH wants and says he needs, and it is still not enough. If it's never going to be enough, then why not just get it over with?? Do you think somewhere that it would someday be enough and that's why you are still hanging around?

I get a glimpse into the hurt of my BH and it makes me want to cry and I feel hopeless for my own situation....

Well, maybe not THE worst, but certainly right up there. I am reminded of runnerboy finding the POSOM and his WW, naked, in the act, on the floor of one of his rental houses.

He threw all their clothes out on the front lawn. Perfect as far as I was concerned. Oh and then she was pregnant by OM.

Apologies for the TJ Krazy. I do feel your pain. Sometimes I think I am one of those who just may not be able to get past it.

Blessings to you,

AND I'VE ADMITTED IT WAS WRONG!! I BEGGED fWxW TO LET ME GO STRAIGHT TO PLAN D. I TOLD HER I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT MAY HAPPEN AS MY RESENTMENT/RAGE INCREASED. SHE WOULDN'T LET ME GO STRAIGHT TO PLAN D. I don't know why she put up such a fight after such a LTA. It makes no sense, but please don't completey blast my opinion about coping as Krazy is dealing with as I still had my pain, ya know?!

I didn't do it, but I thought about it. A lot. I can't condone what he did, but I can understand it.


I appreciate it, but I think it would be an insult to many others to call mine the absolute worst. It was really bad, though. The fact that my hands are shaking as I type this, two and a half years later, is proof of that.


I think I'm like someone stuck in a stage of the grieving process. I just can't find it in me to accept the facts, and let go. The facts are that I'm never going to be able to be with her and not think about the affair. No matter how much I love her, no matter what mountains she moves to try and make me happy, nothing will ever make me able to live with it. It absolutely breaks my heart.

One of my childhood friends died in a freak bicycle accident when he was 15. His dad, who felt at fault for his death, visited his grave every day. About 10 years later, I ran into another friend from our group back then. He said his dad still visits the grave every single day. That made me tear up, and I didn't cry watching Old Yeller.

I'm like my late friend's dad. I just can't let go of the past like some other people can. I can't let go of the affair, nor can I let go of my former impression of my wife. I loved her so much, even though she wasn't who I thought she was.

I also feel like I'd be betraying my family by leaving, even though my brain knows I have every moral right to leave. How do I look at my 8-year-old son and tell him I'll be missing out on half of his childhood? I don't know how anyone does it.


Everyone is different. There are many people on this site who are the exact opposite of me. Some have that forgiveness in them. I do not. Maybe I don't love her enough...I don't know. Certainly don't take my situation and apply it to yours if you can help it.

Great Post Kayla.

Krazy - I'm really sad you are feeling like this. I wish you all the best. Has your wife ever engaged in MB with you?

(((Krazy)))

Krazy, maybe you could reach out to runnerboy65? He went through a similar discovery with the WW and is now raising an OC.

How about just give her this post. Fill it out a bit more to make it more personal from you and to her first. Maybe.

Oh, and keep the bit about walking in on them in flagrante. It's important, and it explains a lot.

Krazy

Marriages are about a framework for life, one part of which is the romantic relationship between your wife and yourself.

You cannot choose to maintain all the stuff that WORKS and is GOOD in your life, just excising your wife from the picture. Despite the A being her choice, you can't make only HER take the consequences of it.

So either to keep your otherwise good life with your wife as a capstone in it else you dismantle the whole thing to remove her from it.

Its a big decision.

As others have said, she would not be really removed from your life anyway because of your interactions going forward over your children.

So what you're left with is a divorce as a righteous gesture to make sure your W feels a bad tangible consequence of her affair.

Is you losing almost everything else good in your life worth that ?

Think long and hard br'a. Long and hard.

{{{{Krazy}}}}

Krazy-
You know, some people just cannot stand the thought that someone cheated on them. They cannot get over it. There is nothing wrong with having a strong moral code.

If you are still unhappy, you will still be unhappy. What could change that would suddenly make you happy in the M? Probably nothing that your W could do. As hard as she might try. Sometimes it is better to move on.

I would suggest that you try to get along with her as best as you can for the kids. Let it go if you do file for a D. It is a lot easier, not to mention better, for everyone. Sometimes the cost of a D is a lot cheaper than the cost of living a miserable existence.

You do need to tell her, in a non confrontational manner that you want to pursue a D, I think. See what happens.

I wish you well!