If that is true -- if you were meeting ALL of his needs (not sure how you did that with him sleeping away from you for the last 6 months...) -- then the next step is Plan B.

However -- I don't think or agree that you have put forth a CONSISTANT effort -- with NO LOVEBUSTERS.

And I'm not sure you have the stamina now to do it.
Which is why you need the Harley's.

And by the way -- not sure who did your taxes, but you CAN itemize and do a schedule C and STILL E-FILE your taxes.

Meeting his needs is part of Plan A. It is to show him what he is giving up by choosing her. It sucks to have to be nice to him, but if you really want him back, it's part of the deal. Going to Plan B without having been meeting all his needs just makes him say 'who needs her?' You want him to say 'wait, I don't want to give up being treated like a king!' before you go to Plan B and disappear.

I am just not sure I can do this. Everytime I get close again, something happens to threaten me. We see her all the time remember. How am I supposed to try to love him when he won't agree to stop seeing her even for a short time to let me show him how it could be?

How can I open up my heart again when he has broken it time and time again for a year and a half? I guess I just don't understand what you are even telling me. I keep hearing to establish boundries and be strong, but now it sounds like I am being advised to go back to being the doormat.

Hasn't he shown that that is what he wants? If I give him everything, he takes it, and has her too. Isn't that exactly what I am supposed to stop doing?

Yes, I have heard that also about itemizing, but we were told by him because of the time space percentage worksheets and all that en-tails that he can't submit that way. I did ask for direct deposit, but they were mailed in.

Meeting his need is giving him SF the way he likes it in the frequency that he likes it.

Holding a boundary is spying for him calling or emailing her from home and getting in his face and saying 'turn that off; you will NOT call your ho in the same house as me and your children.'

You can't do it? Then you might as well kick him out today, cos you don't want him badly enough to do the hard work to keep him.

BTW- did I ever tell you he took her to a wedding on his birthday? I told him if he went not to come back here, and he did anyway! Is that rediculas or what? When I get hit by stuff it is never a small thing! Or her talking to my children still, or whatever.

but shouldn't he have to sacrifice anything first? AfterI found out, I tried very hard to be everything he wanted. We were having great sex , then I found out that he was still involved with her. He is very sneaky. Shouldn't he have to at least say he will give it a try again before I go back to that?

So you don't enforce your boundries.

You said if you take her to the wedding don't come home.
He did, and you did nothing. That taught him that he does not have to respect anything you say, because you don't back it up.

What should have happened is that he came home to find all of his belongings bagged up and the locks changed.

You do not have to be a doormat. We are not suggesting that.
Be the better alternative -- and then take it all away.

You've done this for so long, that I seriously doubt you have the ability to do Plan A anymore, without lovebusting him simultaneously.

What I wanted you to do last August was just a few weeks of Plan A (without lovebusting at the same time...). Then get him out of the house and a DARK PLAN B. Take it all away and let him MISS you. He won't MISS you if you are being a [censored] half the time.

Tell your children what is going on, so they will stop talking to her. Let them know she is the EVIL that is destroying their family.

That's right...I shouldn't have let him back into our home. Everytime he pulled a stunt like that I would be so hurt and so emotional about it that I would just give into his holding me etc. That is what I thought I was trying not to do this time. I did try that last August, I would be in the midst of doing a plan A and then he would say, "I'm gonna go and meet her for a drink" or I would see them chatting in front of me at a football game...how am I supposed to do a good plan A while that is going on. I really have a hard time with putting my heart out there again without him at least saying (even if he is lying) that he wants to remember how it feels to even feel love from me.

I think you have the wrong impression of me, I think even when I am tough, I guess I am still a doormat. I am certainly not a b*t*h, but maybe that is exactly the problem. If I had been when I needed to instead of trying to understand both sides, then I wouldn't be here.

everything I have read says that whenever you are going to tell the children about something of this magnitude it is supposed to be done together>...?

No -- you do not have to tell them together. Do you read here???
I'll dig up some kid-telling posts. They need the TRUTH, not some sugar-coated "mommy and daddy don't get along" GARBAGE.

Do you understand the love bank concept? That some action you do ADD to the in-love feeling, and some actions REMOVE from your balance. Obviously the OW has been making deposits, and you have been making withdrawals and maybe still a few deposits here and there. So the idea behind Plan A is that you do all the actions that will ADD to your husbands balance and replace the in-love feelings he has for her, with in-love feelings for YOU. So not only do you need to do the positive actions -- but you have to STOP doing the NEGATIVE actions. That is what I meant when I said being a "[censored]"...he is associating some negative actions with you.

Have you read this before?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

And you do not have to get his agreement to do these plans.
You do not need a commitment from him in any way.

In fact, it is impossible for him to make you any promises or guarantee he will stop talking or seeing OW. He is addicted.

You do the plans yourself -- because then you will know YOU have done everything possible to save your family.

I guess that last sentence sums me up completely because I think I have done all those things for long periods of time along the way and it has gotten me here. I kept thinking if I can be a better wife, he will not want a life with her. I think I just never did the second part of it. I never showed him what his life would be like without me. I did all the supportive stuff while holding back my own emotions. I just never did the backing it all up part. I think unfortunately it would be impossible for me to go there...suck up to him and get him back in my bed without giving him the last bit of dignity I have left. I guess there is no going back from here. I already have let it go too far. Well, he has.

bump.....did you disappear again Sink?

yes I did disappear again! Same ole same ole. I had spent sometime making things fairly calm until once again the same scenario happened. I was at basketball...she was once again texting. My gut told me it was to him...just got a really strong feeling and know my feelings are usually spot on. So when I went outside, I was pulling out and out she comes and just gives me this look...I knew for sure then so I pulled over, got out of the car and called him. I said were you guys just texting? He played dumb and changed the subject so I asked a direct question he couldn't dodge. I said do you still talk or text to her everyday at this point. When he said yes, I said ok I'm done with this it has been too long with no changes in sight. I cannot take her anymore and I am too the point that if she comes anywhere near me I am gonna put this boot right up her A**. Then I saw her coming nearer to me and going to her car. I just got a little louder and said that is right I am taking about you! So she drove over and said do you have something to say to me? I said you know what I have a lot to say to you, but there are not enough minutes in the day for all I have to say to you. I said I don't even know how you can do what you do and I will hate you till the day I die for what you have done to my family. She just said" I fell in love" I said well were you already in love when you met my husband his wife and his four children. You weren't in love at that point, you crossed the line and allowed yourself to be in that position. Basically without continuing to run over the whole conversation...we both have been giving him pressure we both have been telling him he has to make a choice so that we can move on. Then she said "he holds me everyday, did you know that? He holds me everyday without exception. He makes sure of it." she said he even left work early today to spend time with me. Then he screaches up, cause of course it was him I was talking to when she pulled up, I just hung up, and he knew where we were. Gets out and comes aggressively toward me and says get in the car, are my kids in that car? I said yes...one was asleep, one playing gameboy and the other just listening to the i pod and all they think is that I am talking to her. But I said well there are two of us here, she is the one that pulled over, but suprise suprise I'm the one your angry with...Such a joke. anyway he left and we just talked a couple of minutes more and went our seperate ways! There is sooo much more...

SI:

I don't believe you.

Then of course I canme home and he just said"I will leave" I said o.k and went crazy throwing things etc, so I left. Then he said just to send the police he would be up in the woods. I came home took my kids to the neighbors and talking him off the cliff so to speak. But then he finally just said let me just go to sleep and I will leave in the morning. Then he had something to do in the morning came back, themn I left to do an errand for him cause he was just curled up in a ball. Then he started texting for when am I going to be back. I came home he left. Then the evening continued with texts back in forth-so depressed-how could i put him out on the street- Mad- sad. etc. It came to a point where I was very concerned and had to call his parents. He was in another state and they are closest. I know they had a feeling or had heard second hand, but now they know for sure. The whole time I just don't get why yesterday she was not someone who you could consider giving up, and now why are you texting me instead of her...I really don't get it. Well he is here now, came to get a bag. Very mad and upset. Obviously blaming me I guess?! I guess he wanted me to say, that's fine honey, I know you love someone else. It will all be just fine, just go in your room and get comfortable!