I wasn't sure where to start. So I thought here was a good a place as any. I'm still learning all the acronyms, so please be patient with me!

I found out my husband was having an affair on 1/20/09. I think it has been going on since mid December 2008. He says he has not slept with the OW, but I can't believe him. They are now physically separated, but still have daily contact through phone, text and email. He says that he wants a divorce, but is still in marriage counseling with me. He has not left yet. He doesn't see a problem with having a girlfriend but still trying to figure out whether or not he wants to be with me.

I am doing my best to be a loving wife and meet his emotional needs, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I've read about Plan A and Plan B and am praying about how to proceed. I have a wonderful support system through family and friends. We have a daughter who is 18 months old.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom! Thanks.

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you need to find yourself here.

Under the circumstances, this is the most awesome place to be. You will find understanding, support and just an ear to listen to.

Have you read about the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

How long have you been married?

Is the OW married?

Have you done any exposing?

Thanks for the welcome. We have been married for 9 years and together for 12. The OW is not married. I've done some exposing, but mostly just to my friends and family. I've read about exposing to the in-laws and how that can not always be a good thing. I have made sure that his brother and SIL know that divorce is his idea, not mine.

I haven't told any of his friends, and am a little hesitant to do that. But I know sometimes I can be too nice and now is not the time to protect him from himself. Honestly, I am working up to it and trying to figure out away to not come across as crazy. Today I exposed him to our old pastor who he really respected. I do know through snooping that someone at work confronted him about what is going on, but I don't know who or what happened.

I'm still working out the whole carrot and stick concept and would really like some advice on that as well as how to expose without coming across as crazy.

Your instincts are right on.

Welcome to MB, so sorry you are here.

What do you mean they are now "physically separated"? Do they work together?

They both work in the same very large organization, but in different offices in different states. The affair started when they both were assigned to a training facility as instructors for 4 months. This facility is half a country away from my home state. They both went back to their respective offices around the same time, mid January.

It was when he finally came home that I realized that something was seriously wrong. I suspected it before, but had no way of proving it. Until I did some snooping and found some e-mails.

Oh dear, you need to expose to their workplace. There is a way to do it without coming across as a crazy, scorned woman. There is a sample letter around here (written by a corporate attorney MB member). I'll see if I can find it.

The reason you want to expose it at his work, even if they no longer work in the same area, is that as long as they work for the same company, there is ALWAYS a possibility of seeing each other again. As long as there is any kind of contact, the affair will continue!

Coming across to who?

This is war if you are fighting for you M. You take NO hostages and you don't care about what others think. So often it is said that your M can survive your H's anger, but not the A.

As you read, did you get a sense of where you might have been lacking in meeting his emotional needs?

Are you protected financially?

Our marriage counselor had us fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, so I am learning a lot from that and have started making changes.

I guess I want to make sure I come across to his friends/coworkers as not crazy, but as rational. I want to be believed.

I have a good job, and a separate checking account that I have been working on filling up. I still need to get my own credit card, but am trying to figure out a way that he won't find out that I have it.

I guess I am hesitant to do this because I'm not sure what good it will do. I don't think there are any policies against this type of behavior. So what good will it do? Or am I just being too nice again? Thanks for looking for that letter, I wouldn't know where to start!