Just reading L4s post about meeting fellow MB comrades. Are there any ladies out there recovering an M in England?

ST

I'm here, in London. I know that there are a couple of others as well.

I'm reading through your threads, staytogether! Hi!

I'm in Blightey folks !

I'll gladly fly out...it is short trip across a big pond


I think it is great that we are banding together. It gives each of us more strength and support. We are all in this together.

Are you a woman, Bob?!!

* checks CAREFULLY * no, sorry. As you were !

Nonetheless, it's nice to finally make contact with you. I've made a case study of you, and have read through a large number of your old posts. You express my dilemmas really well.

But you're not female, so scram!

Well, nice to meet you formally both. I'm about 80 miles west of London, so not that far really.

You've read my posts? Put off?

I've had a quick scan through some of yours SC and some very helpful stuff you have given too.

Have any of you in England found any MC that might come close to the content of MB?

SC does your H post?

Absolutely not which is why I have set up an MB coaching service through my church.

There's a great need here I think...

I am an even shorter trip accross a smaller pond, Ireland. I might even be able to swim it! the exercise would do me good

I'm in the north of England working hard to rcover my marriage, but only using this site and books as a form of MC. I've heard too many bad stories about the quality of counselling services in England, and am wary of getting a bad one because of the potential for more harm.

Other countires are way ahead of us when it comes to counselling services/marriage guidance, and the general feeling I get even from family and friends is that we should now be "over it" and certainly I would no longer feel comfortable bringing it up with family because they would think I am wallowing in misery.

Hi staytogether,

You must live in a lovely part of England. My daughter is at university near you and we have relatives who live in Swindon. Also, I went to university further west than you and drive down to see friends about once a year. I was out west two weeks ago, seeing them. I know the M4 well!

I started looking at your posts yesterday but did not get far. I don't think I could be put off by someone who comes here looking for marital and self-improvement. I admire you for doing that.

My H would not in a million years post here, nor on any other forum. He sometimes reads football forums for his home team, but I'm pretty sure he would not post even in relation to that happy activity. As to submitting his thoughts and admitting his deeds to strangers, or even to qualified counsellors, for help, he'd rather take vows of silence and chastity and join a monastery.

So for that reason we have never sought marriage counselling. I looked into the philosophy of Relate when I was at my most desperate for someone to talk to (about 3 years ago), but, like Bob, I was put off because of their seemingly neutral stance on infidelity. From what I could see, they helped couples work towards "better communication" without assigning blame. If you wanted to divorce, they would help you do even that amicably, they said.

Well, I wanted someone to smack my H and tell him never to hurt me again. I wanted him told that what he had done was morally wrong even if he had never meant to hurt me (because he hoped I would never find out). I did not want neutrality; I wanted scolding, big time, so I never spoke to Relate. I have read good reports here, though, of the Catholic Marriage Care service and of Imago therapy. I suspect that the Tavistock institute for family therapy, based in central London, would also be good.

You're probably not too far from Bob in the midlands, so perhaps you should join his church!

If I were still looking for counsellors, knowing what I know now I would go for Harley marriage coaching. I don't see any reason why we cannot use the same phone coaching method that our North American friends use.

If you worry about getting children out of the house while you are each on the phone, you can arrange for the calls to be placed when the kids are at school. An early afternoon call for us should be a morning call for the Harleys.

staytogether, my stuff cannot be helpful to you; don't listen to me! I have released my painful thoughts here since September and I have found it very useful just to talk. My marriage has improved because I don't feel so bitter any more, and I don't plan my escape from my marriage once my son (12) reaches 18, on a daily basis like I used to. My more relaxed attitude has worked wonders on my H, who cannot do enough for me these days. That's very nice for me!

Back to searching your posts...

Hi Serendipitous,

It is great to be able to talk on here - I know I can talk to my sis but like you say everyone else wants it totally closed - it never needs mentioning again.

It would be great to be in a position to set up MB over here. We used Relate but they didn't really progress our marriage although it was a helpful experience for both of us. We mentioned OM but neither of us were really thinking A at that point.

SC your posts are def of benefit for me - I need to see some of the bitterness being relased - My BH isn't emotionally transparent so it helps me reading other BS posts to understand him.

I think I am unlike most MBs I fell out with the Church when I was a teeenager. I used to be a Christian and I guess my values are Christian based I have very strong beliefs and respect anyone who has religion but for now and as of the last 18years Christianity or any religion isn't for me.

Well done Bob! How are you geting on? Do you have plans for expansion?

ST

Hi hope and Gabzz,

What lovely people you are, offering to come all this way!

hope, am I right in thinking that you have an Irish connection? That's close enough to qualify for membership of this group!

I really admire you both for the hard work you have done and are doing to turn your marriages around. I suffered a serious case of withdrawal from mine and didn't make many efforts at all with my H. I have only recently come out of that stage.

However, Gabzz, I did lose my appetite badly after D Day, and shed over 2 stone in about 2 minutes. So although I wasn't trying, I found myself looking vastly more attractive than I had done since my last pregnancy, about 9 years earlier, which did have a good effect on my H. Is your hard work beginning to show yet, and do you feel better for being fitter? My own exercise regime is trotting round the park. I'm pretty slow; I do 5.5 mph, which is pathetic (but then I am really old!) but I do that 3 and sometimes 4 times a week, for 4.5 miles and feel great. I think I look younger than I used to as well, because of my exercise, and I will sue anybody who says that I am 50.

Hi staytogether,

Would you mind doing our new-born British group on here a favour and writing more about your Relate experience, please? Specifically, what issues did you identify as being the ones you wanted help with, when you first went there? How long ago was this, and how long after the affair? How did they deal with your issues? What do you mean when you say that this was a helpful experience, even though it did not "progress" the marriage? Why did they not deal with the affair too much? Do you agree with my impression that they are neutral about problems in the marriage?

I suppose to some extent the Harley approach is neutral too. It certainly does not focus on past blame but on creating new bahviours that add up to a new marriage. However, it is very clear about infidelity!

I'm not talking about Bob's group in particular now, but I wonder whether church-based groups will help non-practitioners.

Are you still thinking about counselling/coaching? What do you think of the Harley idea?

Yeah, Sorry Hope and Gabzz, where are my manners? Thank you for joining us.

Ok, I'll give my Relate story.

I think the reason I went to relate and got H to go was twofold, one because of domstic violence and the other because of my relationship with OM. Neither of which I actually brought up as a subject for discussion during counselling.

DH had previously had IC for anger management and depresion. THis was for 9 months from Feb to Nov 2006. THis was all good whilst he was having counselling; as soon as he was discharged it all went downhill again.

I started A in Aprilish 2007.

We started MC with relate that September until the end of Dec, because we couldn't communicate without upsetting eahc other and I hated what it wa doing to the kids and was slightly scared that I might get hurt.

The focus was on trying to do away with the depression AOs (although violence was not mentioned, we were scared of the outcomes with social services if it was)and to look how I might have contributed to this.

It was very helpful because it got us both talking again and gave us a weekly opportunity to spend some time together - this was bliss as DH shift pattern is so chaotic. We both learnt a lot about each others background and how we had been parented.

Counsellor suggested we try to spend more time together and that I tried to involve DH more on a day to day basis (tricky when he is abent 5 days out of 10, but we did it).


However it didn't give us a real plan we weren't really sure how to focus our energy. I expected the counsellor, maybe wanted the counsellor to tell me that my friendship with OM was no good for my M but he just didn't pick up on it.

Last September ( A really gathering steam now and becoming slighty physical) I decided we needed more counselling because we needed to get the DV out in the open and I had discovered that they don't contact SS unless there is real cause for concern and i knew there wasn't really. I got in contact again about the waiting list at the beginning of Dec and again in Jan before I discovered MB. I still haven't heard anything despite the fact that I told them there was DV.

Actually - looking back they've not been particuarly helpful, except we understand a little more about each others past experiences.

85% of the counselling looked at what happened before we were married, 10% looked at the present and 5% at the future. It was very much sit on the fence stuff and one week he did say that he'd given DH a bit of a run the previous week so he needed to even it up a bit so it was my turn this week.

I guess it may have been different if we'd talkled about DV and A (we were both too ashamed to talk about DV and in denial about the A)

A ended 1st Jan '09. I discovered MB.

We have a much better relationship now that we are looking at the present and the future with the help of MB. We really struggle to stay in the black each month so while D isn't an issue and we are making progress I know DH wouldn't go with getting a loan and forking out for the Harleys but I would love to. I think he would if it was to avoid D.

I certainly wouldn't bother with any other MC now that we have this.

ST

Oh no. You can't just pop this little detail in like that.

I haven't picked up on this in your posts (which I am not making any progress with! I will.)

Tell us about the domestic violence.

staytogether, I have continued my questions on your recovery thread, so that this thread can be a happy one!

Thanks sugarcane

Hi Sugar Cane, my WH has the connection for membership but guess we are not inviting him! He is Scot born and bred and 1/2 Irish. I am the Yank with 100% Italian blood. All of his family is there.

I am trying to work my M even though right now I stand alone. WH has filed D papers but I have hired a L that will work at a snail pace to delay it as long as possible. In my state there is no "waiting period" and in my type of case it could be done within 3/4 months. I am trying for 6/12.

I am going on vacation (holiday) next week with my D15 to California. I will be meeting up with 3/4 people who post on this board and actually staying with one of them. Sometimes it is easier to talk to them than my own family. They get it. They get that we are committed to our M and not to toss it out the window. Will I change? who knows but for now this is how I feel. Just my .02 from across the pond.