As I have mentioned on other posts, I am like others on this board and struggle every day with working with the OM and trying to get on with my life with my husband. It is such a slow process. Just as it seems that you make a couple of baby steps forward, something comes along and sets you way back.<BR>Yesterday my husband came home and from the look on his face and his actions all evening I could tell that something was wrong. Each time I asked, he said "no" he was ok. As I started to get in the bed he told me that he had a disturbing letter. The letter said "your wife is having an affair with OM. When you are not home he spends time at your house and his wife has filed for divorce". Well, all of this is about 6 months late and OM's wife NEVER filed for divorce. I am no longer having an affair, but this caused my husband such hurt and he wondered if I was telling him the truth or it it was indeed still going on. I know that I must suffer the consequences for my actions, but what do people hope to accomplish when they send an anonymous letter like this? Do they really think they are doing anyone a favor here? Is seems that rebuilding your marriage is somewhat like moving a mountain with a teaspoon. A very slow process. How discouraging. I am so sad.

Susan, what that person did was downright mean. I'm all for telling but get the facts right and don't tell if they already know. You could probably help the recovery if you go work somwhere else or quit. Moving as far away as possible may even be the best. We still live in the same town as the om and every time I leave to go to work, I get a little pang.<BR>You also need to have your husband tell you why he is mad when he is mad and not later when he is getting into bed. Telling you that nothing is wrong when there clearly is deceptive and unfair to you. It also undermines communication in the marriage. <BR>Suffering the consquences does not mean he has the right to inflict them on you. I know what he is going thru and have fallen off of the wagon a few times myself. But there should be consideration for your feelings if he truly wants recovery. <BR>Take care

Susan:<P>How frustrating that must be for you! I am so sorry that you had such a setback. I can understand your frustration and your struggling, but please know that you can and <B>will</B> perservere.<P>I agree that someone who sends a letter like that probably has no idea how damaging it can be. However, also know that that person probably had the best of intentions when sending the letter. Since you cannot verify who sent it, and thus cannot determine their motives, why not simply chalk it up to a well-intentioned, yet misguided individual with a poor sense of timing?<P>I know that kind of thing hurts, but you and your H handled it the right way. He finally <I>did</I> tell you what was bothering him. I know how he feels. Right after my W's affair, I had a hard time opening up and telling her how untrustworthy I though she was. When I did tell her what I was thinking, I <I>know</I> it hurt her, but she needed to know what was going on. I had to be honest with her so we could talk about it and she could reassure me.<P>You H needs the same thing. He needs to be reassured, and the best way you can do that is to keep him talking about his feelings, by avoiding compromising situations with the OM, and by being open and honest with him about where you're going, what you're doing, etc.<P>Let's face it, your actions shattered your H's trust in you. But, you CAN get it back by EARNING it. Each day that you get through without backsliding, you earn a little back.<P>It sounds like a canned response, but time really will help. I hate the waiting too, but now, after 6+ months since W's affair, we are SO much better off than we were. It can happen for you too, but you must work at it and be patient, and go through the hurt.<P>There is no other way.<P>Be strong and know that others here share your struggle. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

That was a very vengeful act. Is is possible for you to change jobs? That would help you w/ your recovery. Read about "Plan A" if you haven't already. <BR> <BR>Has your husband read the marriage builders website. It might help him also. I know that it's much easier to say than do but the advise is really good.<P>Stay strong!

Thank you for your responses. I knew all along that something was wrong with my husband and I also knew that it would come out eventually. I just hate being around him when I know there is something he is not saying, but I also know there is no getting it out of him. I was thinking to myself that I would hear the real truth later, and he does have a tendency to spill things once we are in the bed (which is probably the absolute worst place to try and discuss). I was thinking that when he did decide to tell me I was going to be mad because he would not tell me earlier. Of course, when I found out what it was all about, I was in such a state of shock that I did not even mention much about the fact that it bothered me that he would not tell me earlier. I did ask and he said that he did not want to bring it up with our son around. My goodness, our son is almost 19 years old, and we can easily get away from him for a little while. I just think the person who mailed the letter must not really be a friend of his either trying to do him a favor. I just wondered all night what anyone would have to gain from such a thing. It also causes you to wonder about trust for your friends. Thanks for listening.

Susan,<P>Hey, I'm in your position too.. work with the OM. My god, if we got that letter right now my H would outright, and RIGHT NOW, divorce me. Never mind that the thing is over... <P>I am SO SORRY this has happened <P>Keep doing what you're doing... I hope your H can trust and believe that it's over. That will be paramount to your recovery.<P>Hugs<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

N_B,<P>I see myself so often in your posts. I think that we go through a lot of the same emotions. <BR> <BR>H had appointment with counselor today and told her about the letter. He said that he told her he was thinking that if it (my affair) was still going on that all was hopeless. The counselor said "did you tell HER that you felt it would be hopless" and of course he said no. That tells you exactly where our communication is. I guess that is why it is so easy to fall into the trap...the OM listened and hung on my every word. It was so easy to communicate with him.