Your wife is absolutely gaming you.

She had no trouble banging OM under your nose while married.

She's planning her exit as you support her.

Wake up.

Well, that was a brutal response. I do not know for a fact if that is true or not and I do strongly believe that I am stepping out on a limb to continue trying with everything that is going on.

There are some things that are promising and keep me from just giving up. She is showing more and more that she is not just dragging this out while I support her. I will only wait so long until we live together again, but as of right now I am still willing to wait and see what happens. It is up to me and only me with how long I can wait. When that day comes I will tell her that I just simply cannot support her anymore both financially or emotionally. I do not know if that day will have to come, but if it does I am preparing myself for it.

It sounds like you're starting to get your head in the right place. Start thinking about how you will live your life without your wife. Are you making these changes to win her back or are you making these changes because you heard your wakeup call and you're reevaluating you life?

I think you need to just take the lead. Accept that your wife is not living with you and just live your life. Live the life of a strong, healthy person who understands where he has erred in the past. Be the man your wife would love to be around. Stop begging, asking, prying and convincing. If your wife comes back because of any of those reasons, it will not be a healthy reconciliation. Let it be her decision. You have to stop expressing how BADLY you want it. She will be much more attracted to a man who just lives it. Stop trying to call attention to the things you are doing for her. Do them, and move on. She'll notice and file it away. Once you've done it for a long enough time, she'll start thinking it's real. She'll start thinking this is the man I want to be with.

One thing that I find is happening for me... I got my wife back, but now I wonder if it was all worth it. The guilt and shame results in a lot of defensiveness and anger in my wife. I don’t think there's much I can do about that. I think this is the part she will need to work through on her own. It's very hard. She will always think you will hold this over her. In fact, once your neediness wears off a little, the hurt and anger will start setting in. Be careful how you deal with it! They're completely justifiable emotions, and she should be prepared to face some of it, because it will come out at some point. For me it has helped to understand that I didn't CAUSE the affair. Her lack of boundaries caused it. Your responsibility was in the marriage. If you're doing the right things there, then be confident. Continue to look at ways you can improve, but don't beat yourself up over the affair. Humble confidence is key!

Dr. Harley's recommendation was that she address the cause of the affair and start doing the work on her own to help heal my wound. This will put us on an even footing. If you feel you are the only one working on it, eventually your love bank will have run too low and you'll want to move on. I feel that's a real possibility in my situation. I am encouraging my wife to catch up a little. I'm not afraid of asking. There are hopeful signs amid all the bleakness.

Keep yer chin up, and be strong. Walk tall. Be the new man you say you are. Hopefully, she'll be attracted to it.

I am doing what I am doing because I heard my wake up call and trying to get my life straightened out. Its very tough to not just shower her with love trying to win her back. I have seen the more I back off, the closer she becomes so that is what I am doing. I did tell her that I am not sure how long I can wait around, but it is day by day. I dont know if things will ever get better and I think about what if it does... how will I feel even if it does? Will I worry about her having an affair constantly if I mess up? Will I be able to trust her again? Only time will tell me these answers. I dont know what I am getting myself into because she has become a person that I do not know. Im drifting away a little bit from her, but I think that is good right now.

I pray for my wife, that she finds the strength she needs to become the person she wants to be. I ask for wisdom in my situation and a lot of patience to go along with it.

I just hope I can wait around long enough to see what can happen.

Ok HUGE update here:

I am depressed and heartbroken. I spoke with my WW tonight and she said she has no feelings for me anymore. I dont know how that is possible. We have been hanging out almost every night but she told me only because she is lonely, not just lonely and wants me around but wants anyone around. I am so hurt right now that I cannot spend time with her until her feelings change. These are feelings I can do nothing about, and I feel so helpless. What do I do? I told her I want NC with her for right now, but its not over. I want to evaluate myself and my situation without the influence of her fake care and love for me. Im so confused on how we can spend 7 years of our life together and there is just nothing anymore. Im going to go through a lot of pain thinking about it. It is very hard to accept this.

Are you sure there is NC? If not then she is comparing the infatuation with what she has for you.

If there is NC then she is probably still in withdrawal and is not letting you build up her LB$$ right now.

I do have a feeling she is comparing me to what she had with him. I even asked her if she would try to contact him and she said no. I then asked her if he tried to contact her what would happen, and if she would be able to say no to him. She told me she is not sure what would happen. Im so tired of her thinking this guy has something I do not, he cheated on his spouse.... why wouldnt he do the same to her down the road. She just doesn't get it, she thinks she can never have feelings for me again. I am starting to think that I just can not go through this anymore. Im ready to go through the pain of divorce instead of pain from fake love and care. I know it will hurt badly, but I have been hurt more than ever before already. Im just so tired of being around someone who doesnt care about me more than just a friend.

Oh boy, I hear you my friend. I've been in your shoes several times already. One thing to remember is that you're on a roller coaster. It will get better and worse. I thought my recovery was going well, then on a date the other day her arrogant attitude bothered me so much that I just wanted to go home. We got into a huge horrible fight - well she fought and I just tried to stay calm. She left the house AGAIN. I resolved that I was done and would be filing for divorce this week. She has apologized several times now and I think I will try again. My love bank is becoming severely depleted though, so I know I can't go through this too many more times.

I suspect you are not done yet. If you feel after a few days that you simply can't keep up Plan A anymore, you might try Plan B. It will protect your feelings and help you either move on or jolt her into joining in your efforts.

There's nothing I can say to make this less painful, but as you get bruised like this, you will slowly attain some peace and resolve to just keep moving forward. Set the example for her. Continue to work on yourself.

I think my WW was having the A approximatly 3 years, even though she said 1 1/2 years. We have been M for 5 1/2 so that is more than half of our M. I see now why she cannot get past this guy because she wrapped her mind up so deep in all of that. I think its BS still because I am her husband and she should be wanting to work it out. Love is a decision, and she chooses not to love me like a husband. Instead, she chooses a guy who is a cheater and a liar. I dont think they have any contact but still in her mind she has put him in my place within her (No PUN intended).

Why are you insisting on continuing an M with someone who by her actions has indicated she has no idea what the term "commitment" means?

Motion,

I have told her we will not have contact until she can choose me and only me. I know this other guy is still in her mind. Just because I tell her we need true seperation doesnt mean I want that. I wish she could get over this guy and realize what an A hole he was to do what he did. He is a complete jerk to put a married women in the position he did, and she lost her boundaries because of it. I am just waiting to see how she handles it. Honestly... I think its over because she is in fog and doesnt understand what she has with me.

I think it's over because she never really chose you in the first place.

H4L, you haven't answered my question.

My question didn't concern her boundaries, but YOURS.

M is for life, and you're choosing to try and "stick it out" with someone who, within only two or three years of declaring their commitment to you, chose to break/ignore the commitment. IMO by "waiting around until she comes to her senses", you are basically signing yourself up for a life of misery.

Ya, I know what you guys mean. How crappy is this situation? Man this really sucks. I give my life for this girl and she doesnt even appreciate it. I really hate this crap. Probably never getting married again.

I feel so helpless and depressed. How can a person not want to be loved unconditionally? How can she not want what I have to offer? I guess her loss.

Look at the MB Plan B. If you are at all interested in saving your marriage, this might be a step for you. It is about moving forward with your life while having no contact with her. Whatever she enjoyed from you is no longer there, so she will be confronted with that loss. Either it scares her away or it makes her want to return.

There is nothing you can do to control her. You shouldn't offer anyone unconditional except maybe your children. Marriage is very conditional. It is about commitment, but it's about work too. Love is earned. You're very young. If this doesn't work out, you will have learned something from it. It should make you a better husband in a future marriage if you so desire. All of the efforts promoted by this website are to make you a stronger person. That's the comfort you can take in your darkest moments.

Sorry you're feeling so awful. I was going to go down and file for divorce this week. But I've changed my mind once again. You might still as well. Just remember there's no rush to divorce. If it goes that way, you've got all the time in the world.

I just cant imagine myself being with her after what has happened. I could see that before, but now its tough to see that since she only sees me as a "friend" now. I just cant take this pain any longer. She is hurting me way to much.

H4L,

First you need to understand she does tell the truth very much and has not for most of your marriage. Next you need to understand that withdrawal will last some months and she has only been "honest" with you since this year. Her lack of feelings is very common in withdrawal. It could take her 3-6 months to feel anything.

You also said
With all due respect H4L, those are the dumbest statements I have seen on here for a long time. You did not give your life for this girl unless you decide to kill yourself or remain married to a cheater for the rest of your life. You can in fact have a very good life and it may well be without her. You then ask how a person can not want to be loved unconditionally? Oh! come on! You are not that hot that every woman falls at your feet are you? You are not so good in bed that the excitement of illicit sex and cheating on you won't feel good? You are not so powerful that you can remove the sin from peoples hearts are you? You are not so stupid as to think you can control peoples thoughts and lack of moral are you?

The reality is you have never been truly married. I strongly recommend a true and good marriage, it does wonders for a guy. YOu have been married to a woman with no boundaries, low morals, and a willingness to lie to and use a man while she seeks her pleasure elsewhere. I think you should try marriage but to a woman that has morals, love in her heart, and would enjoy the love you have to offer. There are actually many of them around and they come in an assortment of packages. Don't let the packaging fool you, look what is inside.

Please think about this. You are actually lucky that you have not invested 20 years or even 10 years with this woman and luckier yet that you don't have children with her.

Her lack of love may go away as the withdrawal ends, but you need to really examine why you would remain in a marriage where over half of it is taken up with her affair. Of course if pain is your thing you really have found the right woman.

Take time, step back, work on you and make yourself a better man, do these things for you. If when she decides to give you another look, be where YOU want to be emotionally, spiritually, physcially, and financially. You will have decisions to make, make them for the right reasons after looking at all of the data, and believe me what a WS says is NOT really data. Look at her actions.

God Bless,

JL

I certainly worded things in a stupid way, but I think you know what point I am trying to get across. I mean come on now, of course I know that I didnt die for her. Why should I want to work out a marriage with a women who has no boundaries and lies anyway? I mean, yes, I love her will all my heart but its a lot to worry about.

This is a tough situation man. I am in a similar situation right now. I have my WW still living with me and under CIA style surveillence.

She has not contacted the OM. If she does, I will likely know about it via the phones, GPS, or recorders. I am setting up counseling with Steve Harley.

I am new to this site, but if my wife left me, I would try plan A for a while, but you must not rule out plan B. You do not have any kids. You are a young man. There are many other women out there looking for nice guy. Take it day by day, but stand up for yourself and be strong. You will make it and you will be a better person in the long run.

Thanks man, wish I could say I was feeling ok. I hope all of us work things out, but there is just too much at stake and its so easy to give up. I hope I can continue with the strength of God by my side.