IS,

What is the plan for the children when the divorce becomes final?

Will the same disposition of time be used?

I am going to ask you another question. Do you really want to remarry your H? If so why? What do you see in him that would make him a good candidate for marriage knowing what you know of him?

You see in my mind your affair needs to end no matter what. You have no future with OM and the data is very strongly on my side when I say that. But, given that OM is out of the picture, it does not mean that your H soon to be exH is really in the running for your affections and commitment. You MUST make that decision and it must be made based on your H's strengths and weaknesses.

Once you really decide this, then the next thing to address is your H's feelings. You really don't have a clue how deeply you have hurt him. I know that because you are still putzing around with your feelings for OM, hence you really don't have a clue about many important things and will not until you get through withdrawal.

But, at some point you are going to have to develop a plan to address your H, even if remarriage is not in the cards. We can help you with that, but we need to know where your decisions are taking you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I found h_P's first thread. Click on the bookmark hopeful_person

I found this by going to my old posts, you can get there by clicking on my name, and then the search function actually worked. This was in GQ, others are in recovery. You already have h_p's update from Pep, here is where it started.

Yes, the same schedule will hold true after the divorce.

And yes, you are correct and I agree wholeheartedly that the affair needs to end no matter what happens with my husband. It has taken the most time to come to this realization.

My husband has many many wonderful qualities. I have been a fool to not value those. He has loved me even while I was sleeping with someone else and giving the OM my affections. He has good boundaries with me but has never spoken ill of me with our children. He has been a very committed father throughout all of this and has sought their well-being and protection at all times. He has extended mercy to me in such Christ-like ways without becoming a doormat.
Of course, he has his flaws, but nothing that is abusive or not acceptable.

Having said that, I understand that I may never get the chance for reconcilliation with him EVEN if the NC plan happens flawlessly.
I have come to the realization that at THIS stage, I must end this relationship with the OM because it is a wrong relationship built on the pain and at the cost of others.

A very good friend pointed out that I need to heal enough that I CAN be alone. That used to scare me to death and I wasn't even willing to think about it. Now I am still scared....but the alternative scares me more and I know I can heal and get past the fear.

Right now my eyes are focused on the NC plan. It is almost finished.

I just spoke to my sis-in-law and they have agreed that I can come under the conditions that I presented:
1) No cell phone, no unsupervised trips where I may be tempted to use a public phone
2) No email contact (she will check my email when necessary)
3) Complete honesty/vulnerability

If these things do not happen, I have to go home.


I am planning on taking my 4 year old daughter because
1) She has a very difficult time b/c of the last year going more than 2-3 days without seeing me (and I too!)
2) I love the reality reminder as I am very motivated to be my best when I am around my precious children. Keeps me grounded.
3) My sis-in-law and brother have not seen her much and would love to spend time with her as well.

Does this sound OK to you all???


Also...about my job....I told my mom about my NC plan today. She of course if baffled by how anyone could need such an elaborate plan to stay away from someone who has brought nothing but pain (of course, everyone is baffled by that, including me!). She is concerned about me quitting my job (working for the same company as OM even though we don't work in the same location...I am concerned about those who have known us as a couple talking about him, how he is doing, etc) because I am barely making it financially as it is now.

I am right about needing to quit, aren't I???
Don't know who I could move in with if I needed to...I think i have burned too many bridges over the last year with my "failed attempts" at breaking it off. But I just have to believe that if I start making wise choices and get on the right path, that God will provide the answers to those questions...

Is this correct thinking???

IS,

The biggest issue is no contact. Then find a new job. You will be a divorced woman with financial responsibilities, so a new job and a better paying job will probably be necessary, but NC is a MUST.

I hope you read hopeful_persons posts. Once you go to the one I bookmarked you can click on her name and see the rest. I would recommend reading some of her's near the time of reconcilliation, which is new years of 03 I believe.

Yes, the affair must end for yourself, and your children. You chance of reconcilling with your H depends greatly on how you see him know, and how he handles the deep and devastating damage you have done to him.

God Bless,

JL

Ok....so the NC just started a little sooner than planned....the OM stopped by here today (I didnt' know he was coming by) and while I was going to wait to give him the NC letter on Wed when my plan was complete, he started talking about moving in together, etc and I just had to tell him what I had decided. I told him not to contact me at ALL, no phone, no email, no stopping by, no giving other people messages for me, etc. He didnt' expect it...but he was surprised either.

Anyway, I am a little freaked out because I am working from home tonight and my job is making appts for insurance agents and requires my phone.....I have to have my phone tonight for making those calls and I am worried about if he tries to call me tonight!! I won't answer it BUT my original plan was to leave my phone here as I would be travelling to Minnesota and changing my phone number while away so when I got back it would be a new number.....

I just need extra support and encouragement tonight.....I am so hopeful that my life is going to change and I am getting back on a good path again....but I am so scared of failing again as well!!!

Be gentle with me tonight...but don't hold back what NEEDS to be said!!

Phew...

Done. Can you turn your phone off in between the calls you make?

You can do it, just keep yourself busy, it'll be fine. Can you get his number blocked?

IS,

you said
Failure is not an option. And I can assure you that your life is going to change and it will be for the better. How can I say this. You will become a woman of integrity again. You will become a woman that your daughter can admire again. You will become a better person that your son can admire again. And you have taken the first step toward true happiness with either your H or someone new in your life. You deserve to live in honesty and it is time you demanded this of yourself.


What needs to be said is that this is not about odds or chance. It is about determination in the face of temptation. You will be tempted sorely, but if you have the determination to become a woman your children can and will respect you can do this. Trust me your H isn't the only good man out there. Trust me also your OM is not a good man or a man good for you or your family. How proud would you be if your son grew up to be like OM. A man that does not value marriage, does not value vows and honor, does not value a woman and her marriage? You think about this very carefully.

You are a role model for both of your kids.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

I am so crying right now Just Learning.....
I do not know where I would be without you and the others on here right now....
I DO believe I can DO THIS and that failure is NOT an option!!! You are SOOOO right!!
I also feel lighter and when I think about the future, I am feeling hope serious hope for the first time in a very long time!!

I am going to explore blocking his number...good idea!! thanks!

My Mom told me she is proud of me for the 1st time in a very long time as well today. I cried AGAIN!

I DOOOO so want to be a woman of integrity again....a woman who my daughter can look up to....in fact, I just said this to a friend earlier today as one of my key motivators. Thank you for reinforcing that for me.

Determination in the face of temptation....determination in the face of temptation.....determination in the face of temptation.....
SUCH good stuff....!!!!!!!!!

Back to the question. DO YOU LOVE YOUR (EX)HUSBAND? I am not. You are avoiding the question like the plague.

I am so sorry....I have not meant to avoid the question at all!!! I DO love him very very much but I hesitate to say that because if I DO, then why have I treated him so horribly and unlovingly???
I honestly feel inappropriate saying it at this stage...because my past actions don't say that.

I DO love him....and I pray for the opportunity to act lovingly toward him. He deserves a Godly woman of integrity who treats him with respect, honor and dignity.
I am working and praying to become that woman again.

My heart's deepest desire is for reconcilliation with him.

But I do not want to act selfishly ANY more....that will be his choice.

Hope that makes sense.

I am sitting here, listening to the rain pouring down outside and it feels as though it is raining down on ME....and there is refreshment...

This is a new place for me.
I am humbled.

Because now that you have put a voice to your love. You won't want to take half measures, or be guarded. Now. Have you told him?

Ouch,
no....I don't want to tell him until after I know the withdrawal is over.
I want some history behind me so that he knows he can "trust" the recovery is for real.
I feel like that is the most loving thing I can do for him right now..........stop talking and start living it.

Who do you think is your BIGGEST CHEERLEADER right now?

All Blessings,
Jerry

I can understand that. May I make a suggestion. Start writing him love letters. Don't give them to him. Call it a way of journaling your love. I think it will allow you to focus your love for him and help in healing from your NC with the OM. I could imagine you giving them to him when you do tell him that you love him. Just an Idea.

Rooting for ya!

Ouch....
What an incredible idea!!! thank you, thank you, thank you.

Shine through....I have been hearing that from Him tonight. Thank you for reminding me!! I can tell you have experienced the same kind of cheering!

By the way, I waited until I knew my kids were down for the night and wouldn't be calling (they are with their Dad tonight)and then I turned my phone OFF for the night.
Yay!