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Quick, go and write your husband one of those love letters. Get your mind off the OM.
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Did you tell your BH that you saw the OM when you talked to him this afternoon?
Me/WS 32
H 32
M 6 years, together 12
D-Day 3/8/09
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ok there was some good you can take out of this attempt from the OM to get you back ... you didn't give in to the addiction and become his OW again. You used the mental stop sign.
The bad news is that the actual contact all by itself feeds your own internal addiction even when you did not fall for him again. There will be for some time a secret longing.... if you want to call it that... that wants the OM to come call on you...ask about you .... etc etc... and this you will need to watch carefully.
I suspect you have had conflicting thoughts about the OM... one saying good let it end.. the other thinking well he may call on me tonight and its not MY fault if he does. That's normal at this stage so keep yourself aware of the self deceptions you set yourself up for.
OM WILL more than likely try to contact you repeatedly.
continue to be strong but be aware every contact takes you back a step. Its when the thought of the OM appearing or knowledge about him is an annoyance... that's your first response.... do you know you are creeping out of the addiction.
when you begin to see the huge gaping holes in OM's integrity and personal boundaries and realise that compared to most other adults he is lacking... not just to your H .... you'll see him clearly at last. You won't feel sorry or regretful because you will know he like you CHOOSE to take this path and all the damage it caused and didn't care. And the difference here is that he still doesn't care!
now back onto NC plan implementation!!!
Good luck on the job hunt.
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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good idea, ouch, I am going right after I post this!!
No...I didn't tell my H because he is not who I am accountable to right now. he doesn't want to know anything about this process and has asked me to leave him out.
I DID tell the other 2 people who are walking with me thru this AND I posted it here.
aussieswife....you are such a wise insightful person!! I am drinking in what you say. i will be watching myself for the things you mentioned. I am looking forward to the time when NO part of me wants him to contact me EVER and is annoyed by the very thought of it.
the only positive I see is that I really did have this thought when I fist opened the door..."NO NO NO!!! I am doing so well!! Don't mess with me!!! I don't want to start withdrawal all OVER!!"
it wasn't the only thought I had unfortunately....but it was the first!!
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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by the way, the other 2 people I am accountable to are both female...just to make that very clear!!
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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IS,
Trust me on this your OM will try again. Why? Because he does not respect boundaries and he does not respect you. He did not respect your marriage, he does not respect your H, your children, and for that matter you. He did not worry at all who he hurt as long as he got what he wanted and that was you.
Now you may be flattered by this, but if I were you I would realize this is like be befriended by a drug addict because you have money. When you cannot deliver, the drug addict will find somewhere else to get what he needs.
You made some horrific decisions, but you are trying to set them right. OM made some horrific decisions and he is trying to perpetuate them. Your children have been deeply hurt by both of your decisions. He clearly is NOT bothered by his role in this although you are finally starting to see the light.
It is time you saw the OM for who he really is...a man with no respect for other people or their families.
Please think about this.
God Bless,
JL
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You may have to get a restraining order. To make him get the message.
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IS,
Trust me on this your OM will try again. Why? Because he does not respect boundaries and he does not respect you. He did not respect your marriage, he does not respect your H, your children, and for that matter you. He did not worry at all who he hurt as long as he got what he wanted and that was you.
Now you may be flattered by this, but if I were you I would realize this is like be befriended by a drug addict because you have money. When you cannot deliver, the drug addict will find somewhere else to get what he needs.
You made some horrific decisions, but you are trying to set them right. OM made some horrific decisions and he is trying to perpetuate them. Your children have been deeply hurt by both of your decisions. He clearly is NOT bothered by his role in this although you are finally starting to see the light.
It is time you saw the OM for who he really is...a man with no respect for other people or their families.
Please think about this.
God Bless,
JL Just Learning....Yes.....I began to see this a few months ago but the scope of it is really just starting to hit me. You are so, so right. and yes, I WAS flattered by this...how sick is that????!!!! He told me that he had loved me since he was 14 years old and I have always been the woman for him. It's "romantic" talk but the reality is not romantic at all....it's devastating. But I sure fell for it!!!! I just thank God that He cleared away the fog enough for me to begin to see the truth in the situation. I have been such a fool. Today is a new day...Determination in the face of temptation.
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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Quick, go and write your husband one of those love letters. Get your mind off the OM. I started this last night!! Very very good exercise!! This is just one of the treasures I have already gleaned from you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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This is the second time I've posted these questions. Please answer them. Thanks.
You have not mentioned your adultery partner's family or his marriage history.
Is he currently married? (that is either yes or no .... not "almost divorced")
Does he have children? (how old?)
How many times has he been married? (and divorced)
How many adultery relationships has he been a part of? (besides his adulterous relationship with you)
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Because he does not respect boundaries and he does not respect you. He did not respect your marriage, he does not respect your H, your children, and for that matter you. He did not worry at all who he hurt as long as he got what he wanted and that was you.
It is time you saw the OM for who he really is...a man with no respect for other people or their families.
God Bless,
JL My version: Because he YOU does did not respect boundaries and he YOU does did not respect you OM. He YOU did not respect your marriage, he YOU does did not respect your H, your children, and for that matter you yourself. He YOU did not worry at all who he YOU hurt as long as he YOU got what he YOU wanted and that was you OM.
It is time you saw the OM YOURSELF for who he YOU really is are ...a man woman with no respect for other people or their families.
God Bless,
JL PepYou see Shreds, we can call the adultery partner a scoundrel all day long, but remember, whatever OM was or did , you were/are equally culpable.
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And I want to hear how your choices have impacted OM's wife (or X wife) and his children, if he has them.
It is part of who you are. And part of how you got where you are.
So, blurt out the whole embarrasing truth. All at once.
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you know, Pepperband, I totally get what you are saying...and yes, all those things are true. But nobody has been harder on me than me and right now all that self loathing and beating myself up does is make me want to give up.
Yes, that may be feeling "sorry" for myself....I certainly don't want to do that for long.
I know it's easy (and appropriate) to get really angry at the OP or the WS. But those of us who DO come out of the fog and DO choose to get back on a good path deal with HUGE amounts of regret and pain for all we have done. There is NO way to undo it....NO way to turn back time, NO way to put the pieces of our loved ones hearts back together in a way that won't forever show deep scars.
And we weep, and weep, and weep for all of that. (as we should)
I am taking this one moment at a time and the thing that derails me fastest is the guilt....and the pain of knowing that I have caused all of this pain for them.
I am MORE than aware of my responsibility in all of this. I have never blamed my H for any of it. I have never laid the blame on the OM....I definitely see his responsibility but I am trying to own all that is mine though I am sure I have more to learn about that.
Call things as you see them...but pounding me over the head with it is just very discouraging right now.
I will answer your other questions tomorrow when I have a better, more rested brain...but honestly right now I feel like you are just waiting for the answers so that you can point out more hurt that I have caused....hurt that I am well aware of....very very well aware of.
I will tell you that no, he is not married. He was for 16 years and other than me, he has only ever been with his wife sexually.
Right now, this doesn't feel like a safe place to be open and vulnerable and I really thought it would be so that I too can try to heal even as I try to heal my family.
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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Right now, this doesn't feel like a safe place to be open and vulnerable and I really thought it would be so that I too can try to heal even as I try to heal my family. Your anonymous, and right now your typing on keyboard to someone you'll never meet unless you wanted too. Your safe. You should really think WHY pepperband is even bothering to post to you when she could be out driving her porshe and making sweaters for the grandkids, ANYTHING but helping her fellow human beings overcome thier misery. She posts to you because this place her helped her and shes paying it forward. Shes helped alot of us with her thoughts, wisdom and humor. She has taken her time as have alot of us, to help others like you and me be better people. I have been keeping up with your thread as well and I really am rooting for you, please consider pepperband as the angel on your shoulder. Shes been mine on occasion, even when what she said ticked me off. I needed to read it.
Last edited by RMX; 03/11/09 10:53 PM. Reason: i flunked english comp
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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No...I didn't tell my H because he is not who I am accountable to right now. he doesn't want to know anything about this process and has asked me to leave him out. BS...And I don't mean betrayed spouse. Keeping your options open, huh?
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Right now, this doesn't feel like a safe place to be open and vulnerable and I really thought it would be so that I too can try to heal even as I try to heal my family. I appreciate that is how you feel. Allow me to quote something written by another MBer, Weaver (now Weaves). This board is full of people faced with the complete and utter devestation of their family and of the very core of their being.
They are being forced to make decisions while under extreme duress such as:
Do I go after the throat of the person I love more than life in court?
Do I wrench my children away from the parent they love so much in order to ensure that they are not subject to scumbag OM or OW?
Do I fight for custody, knowing my children will not understand why I must do this?
Is it in their best interest to fight for full custody? Will I hurt them worse?
Do I swallow my pride and take back the WS who ripped out our hearts and laughed the whole time, so my children are not subjected to what I am about to subject them to?
Do I financially ruin this person I loved so much and bore/fathered my children, to protect us?
Do I force myself to stop loving this person and move on with my life, knowing that they are destroying themselves and once I do I won't turn back.
Can you imagine having to make those kinds of decisions? Those going through your already over-loaded mind that is not quite functioning properly because you haven't slept or ate in weeks?
And then once the WS has a change of heart, the BS must stuff it all and heal the best way he can while
NEVER offending in anyway the WS, or the OM/OP?
You read this stuff all day long?
I am asking you, WHAT DIFFERENCE does it make what we say to an active WS? WHO GIVES A SH*T? If they are close to repentence, believe me they will be on their knees in shame, not stirring the pot.
If they come here while they are active and expect to get treated with respect, then they have more problems going on then just the fog.
I will not treat an ACTIVE WS the way I will treat others.
And if I did, how would that help to change their mindset?
If they get hit with both barrels here, it is just all that much sooner that the fog lifts.
It is just all that much easier that the BS has it during his Plan A.
The BS can't say what we can. As I said, I appreciate that what I've written doesn't make you feel nice. I noticed you identify yourself as a FWW. If you are a FORMER WAYWARD WIFE - what does that mean? Does it mean you won't allow your feelings (however hurt you are) to stop you on your quest to reunite your family? The road ahead is tough (tuff tuff tuff) and not for the squeamish. You will need to be face to face with reality and not back away if you don't feel "safe". What difference does it make if you feel "safe" here with a bunch of strangers? It makes ZERO difference for your recovery. Talk about how you concern yourself with how "safe" your husband and your children feel ... and you will get a ton of support. Concentrate your efforts on making THEM safe, and then you will truly be a FORMER wayward. 
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Right now, this doesn't feel like a safe place to be open and vulnerable and I really thought it would be so that I too can try to heal even as I try to heal my family. Hi In-shreds, We've all taken a bit of a beating and it does seem cruel when you are trying so hard to do the right thing and feeling so bad about yourself, and you just need people to be behind you and I have been in floods of tears after reading a couple of replies on my threads and so angry that everyone seems to misunderstand. ...But after you've slept on them you have a much better understanding and appreciate the sentiment behind them.Don't give up on us. You are doing a great job and you will continue to do so.  I remember the times I did take a beating I wanted to give up on the NC but I didn't -see it as a test to check your commitment to NC and prove to yourself that you really do want it. How are your plans for the weekend? ST
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No...I didn't tell my H because he is not who I am accountable to right now. he doesn't want to know anything about this process and has asked me to leave him out. BS...And I don't mean betrayed spouse. Keeping your options open, huh? no...truly, he said that if I include him in any of this process it is hurtful to him and he doesn't want to be dragged in or know any part of it. He specifically asked me to not share ANY of the process with him. As far as he is concerned, we are divorced...it is only a matter of days before it is final. This is more a matter of me changing my life and in the future if he decides he wants to be back together, that is up to him. But right now this isn't about saving our marriage as far as he is concerned. He is dating again and moving on with his life. And I don't blame him a bit for doing that. He deserves it!
me WW 40 BH 41 M 16 years
S11 and D4
PA 2/08 D-day 3/08
D 5/08 (not final)
NC take 2 3/24/09
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He is dating again and moving on with his life. And I don't blame him a bit for doing that. He deserves it! Well, he shouldn't be dating. Not until the divorce is final. Until then he is still married, actually. This isn’t just a nitpick at such a late date in the proceedings either. It’s for his own future happiness. He shouldn’t get serious with anyone, not even you, for about two years. He’s going to be shedding a lot of baggage and it takes about that long, or so I hear. He does indeed deserve a much better anything and everything than what you have given him. But he is not going to find it sniffing around like a dog in heat. You are probably not the one to tell him this though. BTW, there is a lot of fog in your posts. Even now. FWIW.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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He is dating again and moving on with his life. And I don't blame him a bit for doing that. He deserves it! I'm soo glad you feel this way. Its totally up to the BS whether or not they want to end the M and move on. He is well within his rights. I for one am delighted to see him moving forward with life. What a pity you couldn't see all this before you put him through the ringer with you're self indulgent agenda. Oh well......karma is indeed a beautiful thing.
Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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