I experienced something wonderful today. I got to spend time with three fantastic women. Women with whom I would have never otherwise met without MB. Women who have every right to shun me because I represent the WS -- the hurt that is so deep in their lives. And yet how did they respond when they met me face-to-face? Each one of them hugged me -- when we met and again as we parted. They welcomed me. They treated me with respect and kindness. They trusted me with their feelings and their words. They listened to me, laughed with me, teared up with me, and even held me when things got a little shakey for a moment. These unbelieveable women represent strength, honor, grace, intelligence, perseverence, non-judgement, wisdom, spirit, fun... You should all be so blessed in your lifetime to get an afternoon with any of them.

Thank you Lildoggie, Queenie, and JohnsTwin for opening your hearts to me. You will never know how much your companionship and words of hope meant to me.

I feared that I had discouraged you, when I wanted you to remember to let time do it's work.

"if I can focus and take a breath and truly see the many blessings I have like our children, my family, the fact that H is still here with me, my general health, our home, my faculties, God's grace... I have to account for the fact that I am very blessed indeed. And things will happen as they will, when they will."

You said that better then me.

While it's true and it's what I need to do and what I try to do, it's not always easy.

Thanks.

Anyone...

If you have a moment, can you please help RooGirl7? She confessed to her H yesterday and she is lost, confused, fearful... The works. I'm doing my best to support her and give her guidence..

"Like so many others, I am confused." from RooGirl7.

L4,

I've been watching...

I would bet other folks have been too.

You are doing great!

Mark

Thank you.

Hi, Ms. Flint.

If you want to cut-to-the-quick and bypass this monster post, my question to you is how and when did YOU know Mr. Flint was fully committed to your M after he learned of the A?

It sounds like Jim knew what he was willing to do to save your M well before you did. More commonly I've read where when a FWW commits to recovering the M, even a year or two later the BH (understandably) hasn't committed to recovery as his FWW has -- with removal of LBs and discovering and fulfilling ENs. Of course this is not the case all of the time. We have the uplifting examples provided by Mark, Sh0cked, Larry, BigKahuna, and others. It seems when the BH is on MB it makes a difference vs. BH's who opt not to participate in MB. Jim first posted on MB 2 years after D-day and after he knew he was all-in to save your M.

So your recovery story reads to me as a rare one. I do not dismiss the work that I know you had to put into the recovery and that you both continue to put into your M every day. Jim just seems to be an exception. I’ve heard it from his vantage point and am wondering how it was from your seat.

From Jim’s thread, even two years after D-day, you felt you couldn’t commit to the M out of guilt (correct me if I’m wrong). He wrote that your A died a natural death before it was revealed to him so I don’t know if you went through the usual fog and withdrawal, but it’s apparent to me that Mr. Flint didn’t waiver in his desire to save his M, to share his love with you, and to help you. No cost was too high for him.

What was it that happened for you last August and September that got you to finally feel safe enough to trust Jim and his motives in your journey?

You know my story. And you know my husband appears to be on the fence still. At least this is what he tells me. I’ve accepted that I can’t rush recovery. I respect this and rarely get discouraged lately with the process by instead focusing on my blessings. In fact, I’ve even gone entire days in the last couple of weeks without crying. Not today, but I have in fact had a few tear-free days. So I am experiencing more okay days then bad ones.

But is this a measure of progress? I think it is, but what do I know? The only thing I know for certain is that this recovery process is 100% uncertain. I could be divorced in 6 months, 6 years, or never.

At this point, another day that my H is still here is one more fortunate day for me. (Yay!) I refuse to live in fear that my M may end any day. I did that for a few months and I can’t any more. However, no longer being fearful doesn’t seem to stop me from analyzing, questioning, and approaching from every angle our M and my H’s actions. Unfortunately it’s the way I’m wired.

Example: I took H to the airport today. He’s off to Germany, his first international business trip since D-day. The last few days have, in fact, been pretty good between us. No LBs, nice affection, good teamwork, good communication, great SF… When H goes overseas, we tend to take more time saying good-bye. I don’t worry, but yet I do worry. International travel allows more opportunities for things to go wrong. So we were embracing and staring at each other when I told H that I love him. He looked away and hugged me. I won’t beg for him to say it. He has to want to say it to do so. It tore me up inside that he didn't. We said good-bye, and I got in the car and cried. My horrible thought being, “What if something happens and my last thoughts of my H are that he didn’t love me?” Stupid and way dramatic, I know. But it rang as such in my head the whole drive home.

The kids and I made pictures and notes and hid them in H’s suitcase to find when he unpacks. I hope it helps him feel closer to us while he’s away. He’ll return Friday late afternoon.

Could I get any more off-track?…

So back to my question, Mrs. Flint, and if anyone else wants to chime in please do. It sounds like Jim actively participated and worked hard to bring you back from your darkness. Not just as part of Plan A/Plan B but from the get-go on. Did you know he was unswerving and would be throughout and beyond recovery? Is Jim the exception that he seems to be, or do you think any BH can be brought around to being that firmly committed regardless of how unsure and uncommitted he is post D-day?

I know our situations are different in several ways, Mrs. Flint, so I know I can't directly compare them. I'm looking for your experience and how I might relate elements between the two. And perhaps help other FWWs also.

You and Jim have implored me to “cowgirl-up”. I grew up on a farm and am a country girl at heart. My life has required me to buck-up on many occasions. I literally and figuratively know how to ride a horse, fix a fence, corral cattle, and buck hay. And if yodeling is required, I’ll learn how to do that, too. This cowgirl can wear the hat.

So sticking with that metaphor, did you ever doubt if your cowboy would ride into the sunset with you? If yes, how did you get through those times of doubt? If not, what was it that he did and/or what change did you allow within yourself that made you so certain?

Hey you,

Although we haven't touched base lately, just know that I am rooting for you and hubby.
I love that you and the kids packed his suitcase with 'surprises'. I know he will have warm feelings when he finds them.

Don't allow these gestures to dwindle, we BS can have a really thick skin when it comes to believing sincerity. Unlike pre D-Day, I seem to notice the slightest decline in caring actions.

I'm sorry today is not a happy one.

Take care.

Tuesday is already better, V. Daylight savings always messes me up so much and I get grumpy. I don't know what it is about that one little hour that gets me all out of sorts.

Got an email just now from my H as he's getting ready for bed. He called me a sneaker. He said he liked my letter and the stuff from the kids. Said they made him smile.

I miss him. Work is busy for me today and my sister is coming this afternoon so those distractions will help. But I still miss him.

Same and backacha.

L4:

Its the little things that add up to the big things....


Made him smile?

Did he get uncomfortable anywhere else????

Don't forget that!

LG

You're cute LG

They weren't those kind of surprises, LG. (Though now I have ideas for his next trip so thank you. ) Those things we save for... Well... Let's just say H and I have mastered the IM communication thing. Because of the time difference logistics of this trip, I'm glad he's a morning guy.

(Did I mention that I miss him already?)

L4:

No one said that the children had to see all the goodies that went into the luggage......

I like the mornings too....

Oh, and the evenings...

Lunch is good too....

sorry...

LG

You forgot dawn, brunchtime, dusk, and moonrise.

And no... You're not sorry. I don't believe that for a minute.

Because I'm apparently talking to myself on this, I'll take it up here...

How are you doing, Vittoria?

hmm, do you also hear voices when no one is around?

You are a funny girl.

I'm just dandy, thank you very much.

No avoidance issues here....
Really though, I'm cool for now. But thank you for asking.

Hi Looking4!
You have some great questions and I hope I can answer them in a way that might be helpful to you. I am afraid this too is going to be a little long...

You asked what made Jim want to commit to the marriage? I think that Jim was needing answers to questions that he had had for some time. He pays attention and knew something was wrong in our marriage but wasn't sure what it was in the beginning. It was MUCH, MUCH more than the affair with his brother. It was what LED to the affair with his brother.

He had known that something was holding me back in the marriage and had created distance between us. You are right that it was guilt over the affair with his brother and feeling that if he found out he would never want to see me again. The cause of the affair with his brother was low self esteem. I think low self esteem causes the majority of affairs in which cake eating is present, which is what mine was. I NEVER wanted to leave Jim to be with his brother and I NEVER was in love with him. We used each other to secretly hurt Jim for real and imagined afronts and boost our own pathetic self esteem issues.

You asked what led to my confession?

Jim demanded it.

He told me that he was going to know what he was fighting or he was done...He doesn't bluff and he meant it. It had to have been hell for him to be trying to make a marriage work and not even know what was wrong...I told him and it was as if it finally made sense as he had suspected his brother and I for years...and we denied it to him and the rest of the family every time it came up.

Jim found MB and he began following it step by step. In the beginning it was me getting dragged kicking and screaming that NO I WON'T AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!! Well, maybe you can...The funny thing was I saw Jim changing right before my eyes. He learned to LISTEN to ALL I had to say and to help me address my issues which were largely self esteem issues. He also learned to be an even better husband from the information on MB.

When Jim knew WHY I had had the affair and what led up to it he had the information to make a decision on whether to stay or not...Were those things correctable in the marriage? That's when he got on me like white on rice...

HE DEMANDED THAT WE DO MARRIAGE BUILDERS TOGETHER OR HE WAS DONE.

He had already waited YEARS for me to do something on my own without results. He was right to demand it because I would never have confronted my issues on my own and the end result WOULD have been a divorce.

I think that is one thing your husband still has not processed...and why he is afraid of commiting to you. He doesn't understand the reasons for the affair and doesn't understand how your marriage can be affair proofed through MB.

Jim was willing to put himself in my low self esteem self shoes to see WHAT HE WAS FORGIVING...because of MB.

Your husband doesn't REALLY know why it happened so how does he prevent it again. That really is a horrible position to be in...

The reason, and correct me if I'm wrong, is because you wanted the ego boost from someone, not that you wanted to ride off into the sunset with them. Just like me. Am I right?

Jim and I knew we had always loved each other and that the reason for the affair was low self esteem and lack of boundaries on my part. It was never because I did not want to be with him.At one time I thought I deserved to lose him. By dealing directly with those issues through MB and following the program ESPECIALLY RADICAL HONESTY we no longer had the underlying reasons present that people divorce for.

In answer to your last question, when did I know we would make it?

Probably when I saw us both dealing with the issues, my low self esteem and poor boundaries, him spending a little more time listening to me AND both of us spending more time on just ourselves...

But it started the day of my confession when Jim heard me tell him I had betrayed him with his own brother for years...
and held me while I sobbed and he said "Alright, now we get to work" I knew my cowboy and I would make it.

The very proud to be, Mrs. Flint.

P.S. I'll share some more as soon as I can feel my fingers again.

Nah, just my own voice. I've worked from home for over 6 years now and it's amazing what a good conversationalist I've become with myself.

Please... I encourage long posts when they are relevant. (Unlike mine that just go on and on and on. But that doesn't stop me now, does it?) I would be the biggest hypocrit to complain about too many words. Please do not ever hold back on this thread.

I'm taking in your post, Mrs. Flint. And your pride in being called that shows through loudly and clearly. I have to leave now until this evening and will read it again. Just want to take a moment now to thank you. Your presence here is welcome and appreciated. Thank you very much for responding.

I look forward to it. And hope your fingers have feeling returned soon.

My sister just sent this to me. It's from a 13-year-old boy who lives in a small town in Nebraska, who called into a Christian music station in Houston -- a station Logan can pick up on satellite.

Logan, The Sky Angel Cowboy

I'm sitting here speechless and filled with God's grace. Wanted to share with you too.

=============

NOTE: Just learned this video was produced by Frank Lozano, a nice man with whom I worked at a radio station in Los Angeles and with whom I have random industry contact every couple of years. Frank produced the video after his pastor shared the audio during a church service in November '07. To think my sister in Oklahoma just sent it to me. Small world.