How much evidence is enough? I suppose it is different in each situation.

My husband and I have been having issues for about a year now. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, but now that I know what I know, I am having doubts.
His job allows him to be away from the home at all hours. He could get paged away at any time.

Facts:
He has been deleting the call history on his cell phone, and occasionally on our home phone (although he hasn't done this for a while now. Maybe he told her not to call the house?)
I have recently acquired his cell phone records for the last 18 months. In April 2008, frequently dialed numbers started appearing that I didn't know. Turns out, I have found out that it is someone that he works with. He calls her:
- Some mornings as soon as he leaves the house (6:30am. Is he actually going to work on these days?)
- On his drive home from work (sometimes at midnight)
- Many calls last for 30 minutes or more
- He spoke with her several times during our vacation in summer 2008.
- I have not noticed strange amounts of money unaccounted for
- She has a long-term boyfriend that she lives with
- She knows that my husband is married.
- I know her name, her cell number, her home number, her boyfriend's name, where they live, and where they both work.

I am trying to be rational and calm about this, and I don't want to confront him or accuse him of anything without knowing all the facts.

We have a close relationship, so this is even more surprising, and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but I need to find out what is the nature of his relationship with her.

- How do I get more info? A PI is too much money.
- If they aren't coming here, and I don't think they are going to her place, then where are they meeting?
- Should I tell her boyfriend?

Thanks.

Don't say a word to him yet.

Get a voice activated recorder and hide it in his car.

I guarantee you'll get what you are loking for on the first try.


However, don't even confront him until you have LOADS of recordings that he can't just blow off.

I agree. You do not have enough , yet and the worst thing one can do to find out the truth is to play your hand before the proof is undeniable. If you inquire now, you will not get the truth, most likely.
The VAR sounds like a good tool. You could also check mileage on his vehicle to see if it is not making sense. A PI really worked for me. But, if there are financial constraints, perhaps a trusted friend could follow him to see what he is up to. It is difficult to follow someone, though and it may take several attempts. What about the home computer, can you get into his e-mail?
Again, do not jump the gun here, as difficult as that may be.

Borrow a friend's car and follow him. You will have to put in some time, but your marriage is worth it.

BTW... he IS having an affair. You just need to find it. At least that is about the only thing which explains what you have stated. And given that the spouse is usually the last to recognize what is going on. (Especially with me.)

Given that you have this information and your suspicions, I would highly recommend getting a camera, borrowing a friend's car, and getting more evidence.

I can guarantee your gut feelings are right. something is not right here. The VAR is a great idea...they are about $50 bucks at Best Buy. My favorite quote is "those with nothing to hide...they hide nothing." Your husband is hiding things which means there is SOMETHING that he is hiding. Sorry you are in the situation!

If he uses the computer at home, you also need to install a keylogger.

Thank you to all for your advice and support. Yesterday I bought a voice activated recorder and I put it in his car. I hope to retrieve it this afternoon when he gets home and look forward to hearing it. (As much as a person can 'look forward' to hearing evidence that her husband is cheating).

The thing is, although we have been having problems for about a year (around the same time they started talking on the phone), this past week has been the best week of that whole time. He has been making a good effort to be a better husband and father. We have been having sex. He has been HAPPY. I haven't seen him really happy for a very long time.

- Why has he been so happy?

Last Friday, he had a soccer game. I had some 'frisky' plans for him when he got home, and I whispered in his ear that morning and told him that. Later in the day, I noticed that he changed somehow shortly before he left the house for his game. He had his 'walls' up a bit. I was waiting for him to get home, and he got home a lot later than usual. I tried all of my usual charms that work, and even some new ones, but he was 'too tired'.

Sure enough, I get his cel phone bill, and he called her as soon as he left the house and talked for 20 mins. Then he called her after the game was over and talked for another 30 minutes. After this he wanted nothing to do with me. I think that he DID go to the game, so what is up?? Is it phone sex?? Perhaps his guilt about this is making him not want me after he talks to her?

Hi,
I was reading your story and saw myself. Before I found out my H was cheating, he was acting "overly" happy. We had more sex than ever before. That was one of the reasons I just couldn't believe that it was going on. However, don't let the euphoric state that he is in fool you. He is having his cake and eating it too. The OW was married as well so he talked to her at very specific times of the day, which eventually became obvious. It's a horrible thing to go through. Please update here because everyone is so helpful to eachother.

Good Luck!

From my personal experience, and opinion only.

If it's something he doesn't want you to see, and you can't seem to get an answer regarding it that doesn't make your head spin, then it is what it is.

You're doing the same thing I did, allowing yourself to believe what you want to hear when the obvious truth is pounding you right in the face.

Possibly he hasn't gotten to a physical stage yet and that's why you can't find any real evidence. Maybe they are just working up to it? It's still not ok with you right?

How much evidence do you need. My answer is enough to take away any chance of lying his way out when confronted. Phone records regardless of frequency will result in "were just frinds".