My husband had an affair nearly 4 yrs ago, and it was uncovered 3 yrs ago this June. We've had an emotional rollercoaster (obviously) but we've stuck it out and now have a great marriage. April 08 was really the turning point for us and I really couldn't be happier in regards to my marriage and my husband. God has really done a work in me and my husband and it's really a miracle. BUT, I still deal with anger from time to time and take it out on my oldest child. I yell at her all the time, talk down to her, etc, and she's starting to become an angry child. I think it's more than anger though, it's like being angry has become a bad habit. I constantly tell myself I'm going to stop, I'm going to change, I pray about it. I haven't gotten any better. It started that summer that I found out about the affair and so I blame it on that--but that doesn't make it better or acceptable. She yells at her little sisters and is very controlling and now for the last week, she starts crying out of nowhere and says you don't love me, you don't like me, you always yell at me. I think she's reached the breaking point and it breaks my heart. I don't know if she needs counseling, maybe we need to go together. I just need some advice from anyone who's been through this as to what my next step should be. I need to fix this. BTW, she's 7.

If you really want to stop verbally abusing your child:

EXPOSE your behavior to others in your community EVERY TIME you behave inappropriately. Hold your own feet to the fire.(like this)

Promise yourself to go to the school principal and say:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

Same thing with your pastor:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

Same thing with your grocery clerk:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

Next go to the police station and tell the desk clerk:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

Now, on to your bank manager:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

................ I bet this accountability would only need to be done one time. Two at the most.

One more ( the most important)

Go to your child's doctor:
"I became angry at DD yesterday and behaved in an inappropriate way."

You'll stop. You might get advice. You will have other eyes on you.

Your child is the innocent victim in this. Glad you recognize there is a problem.
Counselor for YOU first and then bring in your child. Why bring your child first when you are the cause. Cure the cause and your child will come into line.

Bee,
Your sweet little girl did not ask to be part of your marital problems, past or present. You need counseling first and foremost. The next time you find yourself getting angry find some other outlet - instead of going after your daughter, go to the computer and write without thinking. Replace one habit with another. Do this immediately and seek counseling as soon as possible. You are an adult and can control your actions - it's a conscious choice - STOP GOING AFTER YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY. PERIOD :twobyfour:

I feel sick thinking about this. I wish I could just pray about it one more time and it would be fixed. I've always been the kind of person that likes to pretend everything's OK. I put on the happy face. Not even my husband knows how I talk to her. I manage to keep the lid on when anyone else is around. She just pisses me off to the nth degree--for the dumbest stuff. I want to go to counseling and fix me and I hope that fixing me is enough to fix her. I want her to be happy. I do. Now I just have to swallow my pride and admit to people that I'm a jerk. I can't even type it. I'm emotionally abusing my daughter. I hate myself for it.

Take Pepper's advice and expose yourself to everyone. Start a word document named journal and start writing in it every time you experience anger. Find out if your insurance covers counseling (most do for stress), make the appointment with counselor. Do everything you can and do not put it off. You can and will make things right!

GG

I agree.

No one wants to show themselves to others a 'bad' parent but the most loving thing you can do for your DD is to expose yourself if you are unable to stop. There's no shame in seeking help.

I am glad that you were able to come to us with your problem. Instead of "counseling", consider looking in your community for "anger Management" coaching. There are people who deal specifically with anger issues. People who abuse spouses or their children are sometimes required to go through an anger management program.

I hope you follow through with this and get some help. It has been three years and praying has not helped you to get a grip on yourself. Tell your husband what you have been doing--start with him. Do it now. Maybe bringing this problem to us is the answer to your prayers. Get some help.

Hiya

Instead of trying to stop the abuse why don't you think positive.

Make sure you praise every thing that she does well. If she talks to her siblings in a nice way and helps them go over the top thanking her.

This way you'll feel better about yourself and she'll feel good that she is able to help out/please you.

They do say instead of telling a child "don't run on the road" you say "walk on the pavement" the results are much better. Give yourself the same treatment and think about what you do want to be rather than what you don't want to be.

It's a ricky spiral to get into once they start feeling the efects their behaviour worsens and you become more annoyed so they get lashed out at more.

I now know that the first signs of me becoming slightly unreasonable with DD she becomes whingey and then angry.

I can turn it round quite quickly by giving her lots of reassurance, explaining why I am on a short fuse and then asking her if there is anything she would like me to do with her for a bit.

You'll get some positive feedback from her too which will help you relax.

Me and my sis were discussing this only today - we've both been under stress and not really making any time for ourselves. Do you need some fun in your life? Take DD out for the day, have some fun together and rebond - a fresh start

ST

I'm so sorry to hear how you are hurting your daughter.

My guess is that the marriage ISN'T going so well, and you are burying your anger and taking it out on DD. Hope you will go and get some counseling right away before you do irreparable damage to your DD.

You may also be depressed and that sometimes comes out as anger - meds will help with that.