The following is a letter I have written but not given to my genuinely remorseful FWH. Before you read my letter, I feel you need to know something about our progress. He is loving and dedicated to trying to make me happy. ALL his time after work is spent with me. He has rearranged his work schedule to come home early a couple of days a week. He insists that I come to his office for lunch as many times a week as possible. When I go to my dark place and eventually bring up the A to him, he becomes very depressed and cannot sleep. He says he cannot believe that he did what he did. I am convinced that he is truly sorry for the pain he has caused me. Why is it that I constantly dwell on the past, as you can see from my letter? Do I send him the letter? I need the advice of those who have gone before me on this terrible journey.

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So much of the literature and what is written in forums about recovery from infidelity encourages the use of a polygraph test when the betrayed spouse feels he/she has not gotten truthful answers to all his/her questions. I am so afraid that until I am convinced that I have ALL the truth, I will never be able to move steadily forward. I am seriously considering asking you to submit to a polygraph.

Do I believe that you love me and that you are truly remorseful about your betrayal? Yes.

Do I believe that you have truthfully answered all my questions about your fidelity throughout our marriage and about the affair of the last 3 (?) years? No.

Please understand where I am coming from. For the last 43 years (including the two before we got married), I trusted what you told me. I believed that the vows we took meant that you would never lie to me, as I would never lie to you. But your lies over the last 3 (?) years have completely destroyed my ability to trust what I have been told about the past. The lying came so easily to you.

First, there were the CYA lies: I can’t forget how 2 ½ years ago, you feigned shock that I thought you might have been meeting her early that Sunday morning. Why, you even started coming home earlier in the afternoons to prove your loyalty to me—all the while getting deeper and deeper into a physical affair that had been going on at least 6 months. Then there were all the lies about working late, about trips to Lowe’s on Sunday mornings, etc., not to mention all the deleted phone calls and text messages.

Then came the weeks of lies between November 29 and January 4. These are the lies you said were to protect me from the full ugly truth of it all, when in fact they were proffered so easily to protect yourself as much as me.

I recently read the following: “And the worst reason to ever lie is to protect the one you are lying to.” I think this is especially true in the case of recovery from infidelity. Where my eyes were blindly and trustingly closed for so many years, they are now wide open and alert. Granted, now you are consistently saying and doing all the things that make me believe you are a changed man; but my mind keeps going back to things you’ve told me—things I so badly want to believe are true—things that my rational mind keeps saying cannot all be true.

I ask myself how I can continue to dwell on these things. It’s not because I don’t want to trust you, but because I want absolute proof that I can trust you and trust everything you tell me about the past, present, and future. I still love you, and I still want that “until death do we part.” I wish there were a pill that could erase all that I’ve learned in the last 103 days, but sadly there is not. The most I can hope for is absolute truth. Can you give me that? Have you truthfully answered all the questions I have asked you? Are there still some nuggets of truth that occasionally surface in your mind from time to time that would more completely answer the many questions I have asked of you?

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MB friends, is it time to let go of the above? Will I ever be able to let it go?

I feel the same way. You are farther along than I am and I am not in a position to give you any real advice. I can only tell you that you are not alone in feeling distrustful of your spouse. I have read in the SAA book that trust will come back in time and can be restored by total honesty repeated over and over again. I am hoping that I will get there someday too. I think that it is too soon to trust. Your husband's affair lasted almost three years. I don't think you can expect to be over it in just 3 months no matter how badly you and he want it. I have read that most do get over it after a couple of years if it doesn't re-occur and your spouse continues to be honest and do the work necessary. I know that for me the trickle truth makes it a lot harder. I hate the feeling that there is still something out there just waiting to bite me all over again. I don't know anything about polygraphs so I can't comment on them. Hope this helps.

He knows this you know this. Why beat a dead horse. However if you have questions about who what where when how of the affair then ask them.

Hi Goldenyears,

Believe it or not, you are still EARLY, EARLY into this recovery business. Your FWH was involved in an affair for THREE years, that's an awful long time. It will take you a long time to recover from this, and the triggers will continue on for a good long time. Having all the information you need is necessary to help you heal.

It's good that your FWH is "geniunely" remorseful. That's a HUGE step in the right direction. Even though FWH is doing everything he thinks is necessary, it may not be enough for you. He should be more than willing to submit to a polygraph if this is what you need. But... you have to be prepared. You may hear things you really don't want to hear.

If I were you, I would think long and hard about the questions you want answered. Write them down. Tweak them. Let your husband read them. THEN, if you still feel like he's not answering truthfully, schedule the poly.

Another thing that people do is to schedule a weekly time together to discuss the affair. That way, the FWS doesn't feel like they're going to interrogated at every turn. The BS knows that there is a time set aside to get more answers. Spend the rest of the time working on making your marriage GREAT.

Dr. Harley says this:


You know what you need to heal. This letter tells your husband the truth. Have you heard of Joseph's letter? (I think that's the name of it.) It's a beautifully written letter expressing the BS' need and desire to know EVERYTHING. You might want to send this one (edited to suit you personally) instead of the one you wrote.

Here's the link for Joseph's Letter

gy,

I'm sure every BS experiences the nagging feeling whether or not they know all. Even if we do, our minds are going to overanalyze things to the nth degree. You say that your 'rational' mind keeps telling you some things can't be true. If that's true then you probably don't know all. But can a BS REALLY ever know ALL? Probably not when you really think about it objectively. If your H was repentant he'd want to answer your questions and help ease your mind as best he can.

I don't think the letter is necessary. If it makes you feel better to give him the letter so that YOU feel you have asked in no uncertain terms for honesty, then give it to him. If you do, I'd shorten it drastically without rehashing the timeframe of his trickle truth; a paragraph or two. Keep to the point that you love him and want an initimate marriage with him. That the truth is what you NEED to heal your heart and mind so that you can begin to build trust in him again.