Goldpig,

I must have missed your response. You will be getting a paternity test done won't you? You have already gone beyond love's demand regarding forgiveness. I think a paternity test is a given.

After reading a lot of your posts (Linz and goldpig). A couple of point.

1. The affair started before January 08. She did not just jump into bed with this guy. Or its even more scary if she did. Because that means she has poor impulse control. As well as being deceitful.

2. You were married what 6 months before. The affair started.

3. So basically she has been deceiving you for probably a year and a half in some form. And still continues.

4. She says she was trying to protect you. You and her both know that's BS. She was trying to protect herself.

5. So now you have to polygraph her because apparently she is incapable of telling the truth.

So what are the benefits in remaining married to her?

A wife who can help in financially supporting the family.

A wife who can give you children.

A wife you can have sex with.

Notice that they are material in nature.

What she can't give you.

An honest opinion.

A confidant (because let me tell you she definitely confided in the other man. At least to your short comings. So you can't trust her with any secrets or confidences).

You cannot trust anything she says to you. Whether she loves you. Whether she is staying because of convenience. And yes whether she got pregnant to make you stay. Whether she convinced you about it and you thought it was a mutual decision. HER MOTIVATIONS CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

A true joining together in purpose. (because she certainly hasn't been holding up her end of the reconciliation).

As a result she can meet physical needs. She has not shown the ability to meet any of your emotional needs.

NOW REGARDING THE POLYGRAPH.

1. YOU WILL NEED TO USE ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT IF SHE CHEATED ON YOU BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED.

2. Because of her inability to basically tell you the truth in any situation. You will probably have to schedule a polygraph every year. So you may want to put that in the budget.

One thing is. YOU MUST LOVE HER DESPERATELY, TO HAVE GONE THROUGH WHAT YOU HAVE. YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE NOT MEETING HER ENs
WELL MY FRIEND WHEN THE CHIP WERE DOWN (AND THEY SEEM TO BE DOWN FOR THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF) YOU HAVE DEFINITELY PROVEN THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR HAPPINESS FOR HERS. SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD TEST OF ENs TO ME.

After reading HNHN's, I definitely did not meet her EN's. I have been controlling, demanding, and would shut her out by not talking to her for days when I would get angry (some of it was remarkably petty). I stopped being "silent" immediately on Feb. 23rd of 08' when she told me how unhappy she was, and at the time, I thought she had stayed at a friends. Now I know she stayed at OM's.

I have plenty to be forgiven for too. Since finding out about the affair, I have called her names that I am ashamed about. Prior to the affair, not only did I shut her out, but I was disrespectful in a lot of ways in front of friends, family, and even when we were alone. I never put her needs at the top of the list. I only put mine there, and if it made her happy, so be it. She told me for a long time how my behavior was hurting her, and I would change for a couple of days and revert back to my old behavior.

So, what can I look forward to? I can look forward to recovering the relationship we had prior to marriage. We were each others best friends then, and I ruined much of it because of my selfish independant behavior. She is still my wife, soon to be the mother of my child (with paternity test results), and at times in the last couple of months, still my best friend. We are both trying to change the bad behavior of the past through counseling and the church. We had never gone to church together, prayed together, or had any spiritual conversations. I believe our counselor has been a waste of money. He said that the past is un-important and only focused on the future. Our pastor is the only one who (short of this board) that said that the details need to come out and the wounds re-opened so that there can be real healing.

To answer your other questions....she said that the affair started Feb 8th. She was out w/ girlfriends at a bar and drinking execessively. He asked her for a ride home, she agreed, and the affair started. Apparently the drinking and lonliness spiraled out of control after the first encounter and the affair continued for two months. We were married for nine months at this point, but had been together for over five years and lived together since Jan 04'. Yes, she has been lying to me for at least a year.

I believe she was trying to protect me from the details, protect herself from revealing the details, and because she thought that the details would ruin a chance of recovery. She admits that she was being selfish now. It doesn't help that her mother was a victim of an affair and told her (and me) that the details won't help.

Yikes. She is pregnant and out at a bar drinking excessively?

No, Feb 8th of 08'. She was not pregnant at the time. She has not had a drink since May of 08'. She got pregnant in Aug of 08', likely on my b-day or when WE went out east for five days while I was on business.

As I said, you must love her deeply. But I would still use one of the polygraph questions to ask if she cheated before you were married.

When you only get 3-4 questions to ask specifically about the affair, it is difficult to narrow it down from say 100-200 questions.

You need to check around more. Many polygraphers will allow you way more questions.

Not in the area that I live in. There are three polygraphers that I can find, and each said 3-4 questions.

The less questions, the better the accuracy.

Choose your questions wisely and you don't need more than 3 or 4.

Any BS's care to share what they had to ask the WS?

I don't know your situation. You know what is the biggest obstacle you need to have cleared up.

Figure that one out and go from there. What would WW need to lie about the most in order to keep her M? That might be a start.

GP,

When I took mine there was a general question I think it was something like "is there anything else you have not revealed", to which I divulged all the criminal deeds of my youth.

If you want to know if she lied about her pre-marriage life you might want to ask that sort of question. It might also catch financial dishonesty, undisclosed abortions, threesomes, those sorts of things.

God Bless
NJ