Hi, I am a new member and don't know all the acronyms yet. My husband is unhappy and is doubting his ability to stay married to me due to lack of attraction. He said that it was there (until about a year ago; then it started to waver and then completely went away 5 months ago. Have you experienced a recovery from anything like this? Any advice? We are going through counseling but switched to someone new. Our first appointment with the new guy is in 2 weeks.

Here is the story:

We've been together about 4.5 years, marriage for 3.5. Things were going along fine; we are very compatible and affectionate.

We decided to start a family last fall and got pregnant right away. I found out in October. Since then, he started becoming very distant and told me that he was losing his feelings of passion for me. I thought it had to do with the pregnancy and told him to hang in there. He assured me that he loves me.

Fast forward to New Year's. I find out he has been having an emotional affair with a woman from work for the previous 2 months! It surprised me completely. He said he thinks he loved her and that it wasn't sexual and they had some things in common (the same amount that he and I do but some are different). I gave him the ulimatum and he chose me. But due to financial circumstances, he is not able to quit his job and leave his contact with her entirely. They work in different departments now but see each other at weekly meetings. His coworkers know that he has ended his friendship with her. He is "transparent" and all I can do is believe that he is not communicating with her. He said he doesn't want to ruin anything further between us and wants to see if we can save the marriage.



Meanwhile, we went to a couple of counseling sessions and the second one was a disaster! So now he is doubtful that counseling will work. I got the HNHN book and I read it, marked pages, and passed it to him. He flipped through it and said sounds interesting. But then nothing. I was exhausted from pursuing the counseling, the books, the online searches, etc. So I let it drop for a couple of and tried to just wait for his feelings to return (how could they be gone when he still loves me?)

The problem is that he says he is unwilling to try to make the feelings come back through the intimate (sexual) activities and exercises recommended; he needs the feelings to be there in order to be in the mood.

Last weekend, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him if his feelings were coming back. He said no and that he loves me but he worries that counseling won't help. I left for my girlfriend's house and came back. I told him he needs to try counseling one more time or we need to separate. He agreed to do the counseling. The other night we finally took the EN survey and share 4/5 of the top 5 emotional needs (obviously there are some deficits right now) and several recreational interests (with some different ones, too). So here we are with our new counselor appointment in 2 weeks. This is the last resort; I know he will regret it if he wants to end the relationship.

So how do we spend our time and days together while we are waiting for our counseling appointment? And are we doomed? Thanks--sorry so long!

Unfortunately, he will need to quit his job and never see the OW again, or he won't get his feelings back for you.

Until that happens, counseling is a waste of time and money.

I am also fighting for my marriage and was at the same stage you are at this point. Counseling won't work unless he takes it seriously and loses all contact with the OW. If he doesn't lose contact with her, it will most likely start again and then it is even harder to get them apart and may lead to a more serious relationship.

What is it that attacts your WH to the OW? - that is the question.
Have you thought back to when you were dating and the things you did to please one another? What attracted you to each other in the first place? Have you tried flirty text messages in the middle of the day? I would suggest the romantic ideas on the website if you have not already looked at them. Using them has certainly got my WH's attention and I find it a lot of fun.