This sound like an easy question but I have some inner turmoil about it and I am going to get 2x4;s for asking.

Anyway, Sam's baby is coming soon (due March 25), I just happened to mention it to my friend from the gym, the one I meet for SF a couple of times a week. She just casually said "Do you want me to come along?" while we were talking about Sam at the stair master.

This is kind of against the rules (hers and mine) that we are just having sex and not in a relationship. I just said thanks for offering that was kind but I don't want to be a burden. Then she made it more scary because she said "I would love to go, I've never met Sam and it would be fun to see and hold the new baby. Just think about it and let me know." (Paraphrasing but that is the gist of it>)

I'm only 5 months divorced but I like her very much. I just have not even thought about more of a relationship.

It's got to be tough to be out there in the dating world again and trying to remember all the rules!

It sounds like she wants more than a friends-with-benefits relationship. You can always practice MB techniques. O&H would dictate that you had accepted the FWB status and in your mind, that keeps your contact confined to just the two of you--no family--and mostly SF.

I think women have more trouble accepting FWB relationshps than men. As soon as you throw sex in there, the emotions runneth over.

I'd tell her thanks for offering but it's a family event and leave it at that. She's not your GF. Don't think you really owe her that much of an explanation.

Wow, this reminded me of the comments posted on one of your earlier threads about you having a SF Buddy. You need to go back and reread it. There were warnings posted that this would happen because (the comment made - not by me) a woman cannot do what your friend does and not get emotionally attached. I guess this proves the post right. It was also mentioned that you getting serious was to soon. You haven't experienced many relationships since your D and now you're going to let this woman become part of your life - something just doesn't feel right 6. You have got to value yourself more and want more than what you are getting. You started this relationship based on sex - it just doesn't feel right 6. Can you spend say the next four weeks with no SF with this woman and see how you feel about her then? And isn't your xWF coming back from Italy this month? Are you purposely trying to make your life more complicated? :twobyfour:

BYW - I guess abortion was out - I'm so glad. Congratulations on being a gramps!

Ggirl, OH, Raven:

Thanks for the advice.

1) No abortions in our family. I'm atheist so not a religious thing but it is a moral thing. The baby didn't do anything wrong. I offered to raise him myself but Sam stepped up, his GF is going to leave after the birth - in theory, but very likely.

2) I'm going to take the advice about complete openness and stop trying to take care of everyone. I'm thinking I will say that I really do like her, and I enjoy our time together but I am not ready for more. I can't introduce her to the family and take her to something like this when I'm not ready to make more of a commitment to her. We'll see how it goes, she did send me a text inviting me for some benefits tomorrow with no mention of the visit. So we will talk tomorrow.

3) Am I trying to make my life more complicated. I just don't know, but I seem to have a talent for it. But don't scare me about xWW, I have not heard a peep from her and like it that way. I only have one out of wedlock grand child on the way, a FWB relationship on the side, 4 other kids to raise, a baby brother who cheated on his wife, and a law partnership to work on. How is that complicated?

Yup, your life is a piece of cake.

I think honesty with this woman is the best policy. You've learned so much here on MB--don't let her become collateral damage. If you tell her exactly where you are at, it becomes her decision whether or not to stay or go.

OH,

It only seems hard when you type it all out. I'm actually happy most of the time. I'm going to do the radical honesty thing and let her decide. Maybe I will find out she was just trying to be a friend. I think she is more interested than we first discussed because I get alot more invitations these days. Maybe she just thinks I'm good in bed.

I'll put my learnings to work and let her decide.

I am so excited about the baby, I love babies.

I can't believe you're going to be a grandfather at 42. I was 42 when I had my youngest child! I will be 60 when she heads off to college! I will most likely be dead by the time any of the kids make me a grandparent!

GGirl,

I hear what you are saying about my inexperience in relationships. I got married very young, and I didn't date during the marriage, then I get divorced and some cute young hottie scoops me up before I even get my footing. I needed the affirmation, sex, and just a part of my life to be pure fun, BUT I know I am not ready for a real relationship. If that doesn't work for her anymore then I'll have to just be single for awhile. If it does work, I can skip the sex for a few weeks when I'm up with Sam and dealing with the baby. I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me to turn her down face to face. I don't have that much experience but to me she is amazing in bed.

Oh come now, 60 is not old.

If we keep up the family traditions ( ) I'll be scheduling the great grandpa title at just about 60.

Hi 6-

Congrats on the soon-to-arrive grandbaby. I have a slightly different take on this that I thought I'd share.

As far as your friend from the gym attending your grandbaby's birth-well, that's really up to Sam and the mother don't you think?
So, it's not really your decision to make IMHO.

I know I wouldn't want a total stranger at the hospital while I was giving birth or holding my newborn. The only total stranger I didn't mind was the doctor on call who delivered my OS (OS was in a hurry-he arrived 20 minutes after we got to the hospital-45 minutes after my water broke. So, I guess if the total stranger has a medical license, experience in obstetrics, and shows up in a surgical gown and mask, then I'd be okay. Otherwise...no way).

JOhn,

Oh no way that she would be at the hospital, but I am going up for a couple of weeks to help Sam with the baby. He thinks he is ready and has room in his apartment but he is in for a surprise.

You're right--he is in for a surprise and I think that's awesome that you're heading up there to help him. Does he have anyone he can rely on locally to help as well? I know he won't have to deal with the hormonal post/partum stuff but new babies are overwhelming any way you slice it and he will need all the support he can get.

I think your attitude about your ladyfriend (LOL, that term reminds me of something my grandmother might say) is good. If you don't feel/want her to have a bigger personal role in your life, then that's fine. It is what it is and it's good that you realize it. You are just getting your feet wet outside of marriage--no need to rush into another relationship! As you mentioned, you don't have a whole lot of dating experience. You are young (hey, you're younger than me!) but have the advantage of being back in the dating world as a mature adult rather than a crazed-hormone driven teenager. So take it slow and see what there is to see. Chances are you will get married again and you will want to know that you didn't rush into anything.

OH,

He does not have any help at school but he has a light course load this semester and thanks to his grandparents he has the funds to quit his job after the baby arrives.
I'm going to stay 2-3 weeks and then I can always go back up or his grandparents have volunteered as well. His apartment is small but there is room for a visitor to help with the baby. He thinks he remembers how hard it was when the twins were babies but I really doubt it.


He is still trying to choose a medical school, and has asked all of them how he can deal with being a single parent and what support they offer. I'm off for my date with my LF, but I am distracted by the baby stuff. I'll be the only adult there for Sam and his GF since her parents still do no know.

Okay, I haven't read any other thread. But, 6years, are you okay with having some man treat your daughters the way you're treating this woman? Are you okay with your daughters acting like this woman is acting?

Greengables,

I am ok with my daughters if they turn out like my LF. They are too young to make those decisions right now but when they are 27 (I finally got that out of her), I will respect their decisions. We do have a no abortions policy in our family so I would never support them in an abortion. LF and I are taking two layers of precautions but if she got pregnant she says she would not abort, and I would beg her not to even though it would mean a child younger than a grand child situation.

6yl

I told you no dating for one year. Avoid problems. You said your a big boy and can handle this. So handle it.

"Do you want me to come along?" .

"I would love to go, I've never met Sam and it would be fun to see and hold the new baby. Just think about it and let me know."

"This is kind of against the rules (hers and mine) that we are just having sex and not in a relationship."

Yes just F buddies is what you said. She didn't want anything more you said.

I said baloney. FB has been using her "charms" to build a relationship. I knew this was her intent. You chose to ignore this.

You claim to be a man. So man up. You had no problem banging her as an object. Just continue to treat her as an object and tell her she is just a FB to you.

After all she is just some hot toned younger woman that you just want to bang.

greengables right on.

6yl

So it's ok for your DD's to be someones masturbation toy?

Or do you prefer your DD's to be called F buddies?

Road,

You seem to want it both ways. Claiming that I am just using her, in spite of the fact that she approached me, and claiming that she is scheming and manipulative, and had a plan all along. You are also clearly projecting your religious code, probably judeo christian based, onto me.

Anyway,

We had an open conversation yesterday. I told her that I am still too fresh from the D, and my family is too complicated, for me to have anything more and I don't know how long it will be until I am ready. She said she is good with that for now but that she has started to feel more for me than she had planned on in the beginning. She also said that she loves her career but is envious of what I have with my children. After some discussion she said that she likes that way that I never ask for more of her time because she is so busy at work and that she might resent me if I did.

So for now, We are keeping this as it is but with more frankness about what we both are feeling.

6Years, if you are okay with your kids making the same choices that you and your "friend" are, then I guess your actions are in line with your values.

I have a feeling our views on sex and relationships are enough different that I really couldn't provide any insight to you, and you've seemed to have handled the immediate issue.