My appologies. You seem to be in plan FU instead of plan B. lol


Guess that's what I get for only reading the last page.

No problemo, RSF. Plan D, Plan FU -- I go back and forth between the 2. Depends on the mood. Right now, it's definitely Plan FU.

Some days, Plan FU is the healthiest plan we can do.

Hi Holy, I'm sorry if you are having a hard day.

Here's a for you.

HH, I am sorry you saw those pictures on facebook. I found pictures of OW on my space also on her sister's site but none with my H. She is drunk in some of the pictures. What a prize. I saved the pictures. Maybe later in life I will make a memorial to her in my space and use the pictures to show the life of a rutting pig!


Glad you are bring FiL with you to the L. I think that is wonderful.

You know...I think things can't get any worse and then...POW -- right in the kisser!

Decided tonight to run credit checks (free -- on line) in preparation for meeting with L on Monday. Ran both mine and WH's.

No biggie -- WH opened a credit card in his name after he moved out. Figured that since charges weren't showing up on joint cards. Also opened up a credit card through Victoria's Secret. Gag!

Then...then...the smoking gun. Credit report shows what other agencies ran credit checks on WH. Appears WH opened up lines of credit at two casinos in LV. One was opened this summer and the other in the fall -- both times when he was living with OW. There are no "balances" listed on report, just that lines were opened. Wonder if any balances would even show up considering they'd be tied to gambling and perhaps the casino collects using their own methods (like broken legs in the middle of the desert).

Sooooo....I know WH's put us in deep do-do debt. But how much of that debt is tied to losses in Vegas? One of the casinos has a form you can submit to get a profit/loss statement for the year. I'm sure the other casino can provide one also.

I'm going to tell L about this and see if WH can be made to provide these statements.

Again -- WH gets angry at freak'in Sparkeletts water bill yet he opens up lines of credit to gamble...Sheeezzz...he thinks he's a Rock Star.....

Having dealt with a number of rumor attempts at my family, you'd think I'd shy away from hurting another's reputation. But on the other hand, I've had so many people pretend to be nice and gut us with a knife that I no longer have any compulsion to protect their reputations. If you have someone who will go on her FB and screw around with her, by all means, do it. As long as that person will never say you asked her to. Make the affair as miserable as possible.

I believe it would be in your best interest to compile the evidence from the OW's Facebook.

Dancing_Machine is doing the same with her STBXWH. Example: He is poo-pooing about lack of moneys yet is taking his OW to opera, and Hard Rock Cafe.

You should do the same.

HH, I am available for FB!!! And I will NEVER tell


The BIG question is "how did the attorney go" Waiting for the news. Pray it went well for you.

Also lets count on Valencia for Sunday. We are on board, just tell us where and when and we will get together. Looking forward to meeting you.

There used to be a wise poster around here called BrambleRose. She went into Plan B and recovered her marriage, so a lot of people listened to her, because of that and because she wasn't afraid to 2x4 people when they needed it. Like me.

Anyway, whenever I would talk about gathering information, BR would remind me that the main reason people want to gather information is because they want to use it to control the situation, and she was right. So. . . do you think that this is a situation you can control?

Okay, that's a loaded question. You do have some control. You need to decide whether you're in Plan B or in Plan D/FU. If it's B, then you need to stop the snooping--it doesn't help you. No amount of snooping is going to help you get your husband to come home. It's only going to hurt you and make you want it less.

If it's D/FU, snoop away and gather the information. Especially if it will help you get a good settlement. Recognize that it moves you farther away from reconciliation. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just recognize it for what it is.

TJ/

BR would be so proud.

/TJ

You are right about that, SDGuy. I do feel that snooping helps control something that I have no control over. And the more I snoop, the more excited I get when I discover something new or a potential smoking gun. And the more "business like" and less attached I get to the situation. It's like I'm a private investigator looking at SOMEONE else's finances -- not my own.
And right now -- it's not about a good settlement. It's about not being saddled with his huge A debt.

And I admit to being obsessed. I know it's not healthy, but I can't seem to stop. I can't go more than a few hours without checking out the forum, or calling a friend to share the latest news, or checking out credit card transactions for the day or reading up on family law information.

I try to focus on myself and the kids -- anything else, but can't. I've always been nosy AND a big gossip. I admit it.

I need to be patient. I used to be a very patient person. Now I feel like life is a race to the finish line. Like I can't sit back anymore. Like I need to do something to push myself to get through this. Like I can't just relax and let things happen.

Like I need to control something I have no control over. Bingo!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I purposely texted WH today and asked him to meet me. He called instead. And we talked about an hour.

And what did it accomplish?

He basically said he's never coming back. That he put the OW and her income and his living expenses on a court form that I should be getting. That if I dare try to "nickle and dime" him on the D that I would regret it. That if he has to pay too much in support, he'll just quit his job and I'll be up sh1t creek. That he'll fight me for custody of the kids if I push too much.

I knew this would happen. Why did I call? And why did I warn him about him being responsible for his debts and that he'll need to prepare for that.

WHY?

Because I still love him....and I miss him...and I wanted to somehow scare him with D talk to see if he would flinch.

And he didn't. He's moved on. Why can't I accept this?

I don't want to start over. I want someone to hold me at night and tell me they love me and make me feel secure again.

I hate this.

I think I'm like an abuse victim that wants to stick with the abuser even when she gets the he11 beat out of her.

I told myself yesterday that I needed to be patient. My FIL warned me yesterday when we left the L's office to be patient. Everyone has told me to back off -- even SDguy -- to stop snooping and relax.

But I can't. I can't. I can't.

Plan B -- stop it. But it's really Plan D -- and that's a much different path then just coasting in Plan B.

Maybe -- maybe -- I've been extra focused because it's WH birthday on Saturday and this will be the first time we haven't celebrated in 31 years. And he'll be celebrating this year with OW.

THIS SUCKS.

I'm sorry you are hurting Hh. Don't be too hard on yourself. Plan B is hard all the way around.

I don't know all your story but WH is on crack. If he quits his job, is POSOW going to be his sugar mama for long? So he's going to become intentionally unemployed and then fight for custody? Ignore him. WH doesn't know his head from his [censored]. Stay dark and concentrate on yourself and your kids.

Compile all evidence about when he is and is not seeing the kids. Record if he so much as farts the wrong way.

Are you allowed to record him on the phone in your state? You NEED the fact that he threatened to quit his job to avoid CS on the record.

There was one BS (I forget who) whose WH quit his job and she, the BW ended up with full custody. (I apologize if I got any of this story wrong, whoever you are! D: )

Holyheart first

I feel your pain. So sorry you are going through this. Your right about plan B versus Plan D. I am in the same sitch. It is a reality check to begin to think that we might have to go through life without them. I understand.

But think about their "pig partners". Do you think their trash will be around 5 years? These are not long term R woman. Both have been through 2 M which did not last long. Our H's are the new boy toys.

It is tough and discouraging but just breathe for today. Tomorrow will be better. So you screwed up -- we are HUMAN.

I did the obsession thing also. Sometimes I still wallow into my own obsessive pity party. We just try our best.

Remember Robert Downey when he was a total addict and in jail. He started to do better and then boom went back down again with drugs again and again. Finally one of the times when he got sentenced I never forgot what he said to the judge...
"It`s like I have a loaded gun in my mouth, and I like the taste of metal."
Its like us we know it wrong and we still obsess. But look at him he fell and fell and fell. Finally one of those times he picked himself up and created a better life for himself. I never thought he would come out of it.

We will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. stay strong.

Thanks for calling when you did, Hope. Just got off the phone with another friend. She's been a godsend -- gets me out and about, too. So tomorrow I'm meeting her for Mass at noon then lunch. That should keep me busy for a chunk of the day.

And I think I need to make an appointment with my IC. I saw one last year for several visits. She basically told me not to come back until I was ready to GAL since I was always obsessing about WH and what he was doing or thinking or saying.

Now my obsession has changed from the A to the D and finances -- less about WH.

I guess I've just redirected this obsession from something unbelieveable and destructive (the A) to something even more unbelieveable and destructive (the D).

I swear I was never this crazy before the A. But it's been 16 months of crying and obsessing and frustration and anger and pain and lack of sleep... It really wears on a person.

Anytime you need support just give a call or come here. We are blessed to have this board. Don't know what I would do without it.

Got a list of financials that I have to provide for H's L. My L put in for extension for an additional week 1/2. Good more time. Wait till H sees some of the financials. That will be when he gets hit with some HugE truth darts. Not going to be happy, but maybe it will shake him up a bit.

I know that when you called H today it was trying to wake him up. It will happen but it will have to be his own realization.

We can't make this happen; it is on God's plan -- not ours. Try to turn it over to Him and have faith in that plan.

take care

Yep, the Judge will LOVE that.

So sorry you're hurting. I remember.

Sorry, HH. I know that Plan B is full of ups and downs and challenges and pain. But

What did you expect him to say? This is textbook Fogspeak. And you invited him to spew it at you. You did it to yourself. Sorry if this comes across as harsh.

Your WH is toxic to you. Your H is not there. You can't make him become your H again. Reaching out to him (i.e., breaking your Plan B) is going to burn you every time.

You need something else to obsess about. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What kinds of things can you distract yourself with when you have the urge to contact your WH?

You're a betrayed spouse, suffering through an immense amount of pain, so it's normal to mess up. There are things you can do that are helpful, however, and things that are not helpful. If you can sink into a really dark Plan B, you'll find a peace come over you, and you won't care so much about your WH. It will take time and effort on your part.