I love you too, Spartan.

Okay you two. Get a room.

Click "Notify" and ask the mods to send me your email, Sparklet.

Don't be hatin'!

Done deal! Also gave them my digits to give to you.

We had marriage counseling last night and it was rather intense. Both of us have a lot of unlearning of behaviors and responses to do.

My homework is to appeal and respond to the adult in him rather than react as a mother. Particularly when it comes to the kids. I am rabidly protective of them because when I was little, no one ever protected me and so I overcompensate when I see them getting hurt.

She gave us some small behavior goals to work on until next week's appointment when we do some in depth work.

There's certain things that are intrenched in our kneejerk reactions that keep us running in circles.

She asked him why he wouldn't check on me when the opportunity is wide open. He said he didn't know. She told him to take me up on it. I know he's afraid to trust me and I will continue on the MB and Christian pathway to earn his trust and most importantly, learn to trust myself again. I need to quiet my life down and pay attention to God's very quiet voice telling me, "no, don't do that....do this instead". I love God with all my heart and soul and don't want the adversary rejoicing in my failures any longer. The more I love God, the more Spartan will be able to love me.

So tonight I will be going with DS2's preschool teacher as her model for a Mary Kay party (she's picking me up at home tonight).

When Sparty and I were dating, he had this beautiful long hair and we actually did a Mary Kay make over on him. I've still go the before and after pics. He makes for a HORRIBLE looking woman, btw.

I think I'm gonna have to bring that evidence with me tonight!!!

I'm having a tough time within myself today. Fog, withdrawl, triggers.

Sparkle,

Just by your own acknowledgement of your feelings, is a positive step.



Go now and find a quiet place and seek God....if you mean what you have written.....I promise you will find peace.

Kickme:

I am of very few words today. I need prayers and God's strength and guidance.

Thank you for your prayers.

You're in mine as well, Sparkette. I've been thinking about you a lot today.

You can do this.

Peace.

Thank you for the prayers, everyone. I felt lifted yesterday and was able to somewhat function the rest of the night.

Spartan could tell that there was something bothering me and at first he felt certain that I had broken NC. I talked to him this morning and opened up to him about a few things. My girlfriend that I work with is going through all of the raw emotions of being a BS and it hits me hard at times. I see how she feels and it just brings it all back to me knowing that I was responsible for that hurt and devistation in my own marriage. It takes me back to day 1 and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere sometimes.

I had some strong feelings of withdrawl yesterday and called another MB member for support. Out of respect for Spartan, I will not share with him those feelings. I have certain girlfriends I can call for support. I cannot risk breaking NC by keeping it all inside. I kept myself busy with laundry and got out with all of us to do some errands.

Got a new comforter set yesterday to resplace the one that the neighbor across the street had the exact same one of. It's been a trigger for me for the last 2 years but we couldn't afford to replace it until now.

We missed church yesterday.

I am losing my mind with withdrawal today but am still maintaining NC.....THANK GOD.

I can't stand inflicting more pain on Spartan and so I've been swallowing these feelings of withdrawal and not saying anything to him.

I've had my face planted in my bible and have been reading here on MB which is helpful but my feelings are eating me whole! Right now, I want to crawl out of my skin and take off running from myself!

In counseling last night, we did an written exercise where we discovered that Spartan and I trigger our core fears in each other. I know he can sense the way that I'm feeling and it's bothering him. Maybe he feels that I've broken NC but I have an open trail and encourage him to verify my whereabouts.

So he just called me and told me that he's been reading my thread here and knows that something is wrong. He wants to help me with whatever is bothering me but telling him what's on my mind when it comes to the OM would be cruel.

I wish that he would start his own thread rather than lurk here and not say anything. I set up a login and password for him so that he could get help too!!

Tough, isn't it. You want to be fully and completely honest. Yet to really work out some of this stuff about yourself, it means being honest about some really ugly parts -- stuff that is hard to look at let alone own. You're in an anonymous forum where you feel you can be open and share so you can get the 2x4s or the hugs or whatever you need to get through it -- to address it, process it, learn from it, and move forward. Whether it is a trigger, an emotion, a feeling, or an old memory that won't go away. I'm sorry that now you feel you can't be fully open with us in order to protect your H from what he might read, because from my experience, sharing the good and the bad is necessary to get the full benefits of the help available here. For WSs and for BSs.

Let Spartan know that you'd prefer he not read your thread right now because it may hurt him. However, if he chooses to (again, radical honesty), then he needs to understand you're not sharing here to hurt him or spite him, but because it's what you need to do to help yourself recover AND what you need to do to help him recover.

I have to step away but will check later to see if I can be of any help. I wish some of the BSs would check in too, and offer advice about what to do.

MS,

I think you should tell him what is up, specifically what you are missing. I bet his imagination is way way worse that what you are actually feeling. I know you are trying to be kind but if he doesn't know what you are upset about then he can just make a giant list of everything he can think of and pick the one that is the most upsetting to him.

Sparkle,
You know that I'm a BS, I think you've read my thread and followed my story.

I have followed yours all this time and I want to tell you that I admire your courage and strength. I have searched for words to say to you tonight and have struggled with the right thoughts.

However, you do not need me to remind you that having an A was your choice. What makes me admire you is unlike my W, you also found the courage to admit what you did and LOVE Spartan the way God teaches you to.

Just the simple fact that you are here and sharing is testiment to your true character. You are a strong woman. You are going to have days like today for some time to come and I know you know that.

Remember, if you have followed my story and others just like me, you know that I NEVER HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO ATTEMPT RECOVERY...BECAUSE SHE AND OTHERS LIKE THEM ARE NOT STRONG LIKE YOU ARE!!! They still are engaged in affairs. They are choosing their A partners over their family. They are choosing their own happiness over the happiness of their children. Remember those awful feelings?

Sparkle, please remember the hurt.....be honest with Spartan and SHARE your feeling with him. I do not know him, but if he thinks something is wrong, its because something is wrong. It very well may upset him.....but the NOT KNOWING, all the while caring, is far worse.

Share with him, love him, be honest with him, and most importantly pray that God will give you the strength to endure.

I am praying for you both. I do not post much because I do not feel that I can give much advice, but I will tell you that I too can feel your spirital prescense here and I know that God has His hand on your life.

STRENGTH !!!

Having an affair and all the secrets that go along with it is what's actually cruel.

Openness & Honesty is one of the BASIC principles you would do well to study up on and put into practice.


MS, have you begun reading SAA, HNHN, or FILSIL yet?

Been trying to think of things you could do to get you through the tough times, the trigger times, the shakey times when your H isn't able to help you.

Breathe.

Distract.

Breathe again.

Distract.

Repeat.

As for how to distract yourself? Distractions can range from a making a physical change in location to something very subtle that simply occupies your mind in a different way. Since you've been reading here, you've probably heard about picturing a stop sign or snapping a rubberband that's on your wrist. Other ideas off the top of my head to help distract you:

Play with your kids. (This can be so many things.)
Make a grocery list.
Read a magazine.
Sing a silly song aloud like "Sing A Song" or "Rubber Ducky" from Sesame Street.
Call a friend.
Do a crossword puzzle.
Play solitare -- computer or real cards.
Bake something.
Post on MB.
Clean the bathroom.
Play an instrument.
Exercise.
Clean out the kitchen junk drawer.
Fix a household item that's been broken for awhile.
Do birthday cards for upcoming birthdays.
Sketch out your dream home.
Create a slideshow of pictures of your family to loop on your desktop.
Attempt a brand new recipe.
Rearrange the livingroom furniture.
Go hit golfballs.
Hand write a letter to someone who may feel forgotten -- an old girlfriend, a long-lost aunt, a mentor.
Pray.
Put together a care package for a U.S. soldier serving overseas.
Sew something.
Think up random phrases and see what they look like in other laguages through Google's translate tool.
Sort through your family's clothes -- too small, too old, too "what was I thinking?"

Something I've been doing more lately when I find myself wanting to dwell upon what I did... I found a piece of artwork that for whatever reason grabbed my attention. I impromptly bought it and put it in my office. It has many elements to it that are interesting to me and soothing at the same time. When I find myself going to that useless place, I consciously look at the artwork and study it. I immerse myself in its flow, texture, significance, color, and calm.

Is there a stil-life, abstract, or interesting picture, postcard, textile, statue, or anything around that you could quickly access that you could study during a trigger to get your mind off of things?

Peace, Spark-o-lotta.

KickMe: The kindness in your words brought tears to my eyes.

I have read through your thread as well and also admire your strength and fortitude to stand strong through God during the most excruciating time in your life. You, your children and your WW are in my daily prayers.

The consequences of my actions as a saved Christian are unbelievably painful. Sure, I was able to hide things from Spartan for a while but not a single movement of mine was missed by God. I remember praying aloud in the garage and telling Him, "I am so busted for this" and shaking my head in disgust at myself. 1 Corinthians 6 brought me to my KNEES!!!

I remember those feelings of forfeiting my family's happiness for my own very well. It was actually the emptiest time in my life. I laughed and carried on as though things were fine but on the inside you could hear echos from the hollow shell I had become.

Spartan and I talked very briefly last night and this morning (he worked late last night) and we talked about my thread and also about how I was feeling. He came home with a dozen red roses knowing that yesterday was particularly trigger filled for me. I don't think he noticed, but there was a sticker on the wrapper around the roses that said "freedom". I cut it out and put it on the highest part of our refridgerator. I think it goes without saying that I am beyond blessed to have this man in my life.

I have so much to praise God for this morning.