Help! I can't believe this has happened to me. After an argument at the end of January I asked my husband if he didn't want to be with me anymore. His reply was I don't think so. Two weeks later after several conversations he walked out. He actually called me at work on a Friday at 4:30 to tell me he was gone. He wouldn't tell me where he was. I had discovered that he had been talking to a girl at a number I found on his cell phone bill.

This situation is complicated because my husband's parents died at very young ages 4 years ago (only 4 months apart). After that my husband slipped into a depression and our marriage fell victim. He has always been a drinker but has become an alcoholic after his parents died. He became a virtual recluse - never wanted to go anywhere or do anything.

The week after he left he came over on Saturday. He said he was commited to honoring our financial obligations together. He has never come out and said he wants a divorce. He has come over the last 3 Saturdays to spend time with me and said he wants to talk to me more because he thinks we can be friends. I am really uncomfortable with this since he still wouldn't tell me where he was staying. He told me that he would tell me when he was ready. So since he wouldn't tell me I hired a PI and had him followed. Low and behold he's staying in some apartments with the girl he had been talking to on the phone who also used to work with him. What makes this even worse is that I suffered a miscarriage and my father died at the end of December. He walked out at one of the worse times of my life.

Last Saturday I told him I didn't think we should talk about anything other than our finanical responsibilities together. He was very shocked by this. I was very upset and crying and he said that he thinks I don't know what I want but we could do it my way. He kept picking at me and even accused me of having a new relationship. He said anyone that comes into our house better keep their hands off his property. My friends say that includes me - he still considers me his property. I finally started yelling at him and told him that he doesn't realize how much he hurt me by walking out. Then I told him I know the truth that he's been cheating on my and I know everything. He was stunned - deer in the headlights. He says he still loves me very much and he misses our home. However he hasn't said anything about coming back. His appearance has dramatically declined. I do believe he loves me and that's where I'm so confused. His judgment is so clouded by alcohol and depression that I don't think he can make a normal thought in his head. I think the girlfriend is a partyer like him. After I confronted him about the affair he said he had to leave. I haven't talked to him since. He hasn't called me at all and its been 5 days. I am devestated and I don't know what to do next. Is he on the fence? I don't think he knows what he wants but now I'm scared that he'll never come back because I confronted him with the truth. Please help!

Jilted2235,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you are the best place for support.

Start with reading all the infideltiy articles on the marriage builder web site. That will give you a much better idea of the dynamics of infidelity, plans for how to care for yourself, as well as steps to take at this point that offer the most hope for your marriage to recover.

And... Keep posting! The veterans here are a wealth of knowledge and strength.


BF439

Welcome. Too bad you didn't find this site earlier. I could have saved you the price of a PI and told you hubby was living with the OW.

You need to head right out to Alanon first thing. They will help you deal with the addiction part.

Other than that, keep reading and posting here. But the first thing to fix is his addiction to alcohol.

Welcome to MB. So sorry you are here, but you're in the best possible place for help.

Little more detail? How long married? Do you have any other children? (I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.)

Jilted,

Thanks for starting your own thread, it makes it much easier. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I second the suggestion to begin with Al-Anon immediately if not sooner. You can't do anything to address the affair while he's an active alcoholic, but you can learn how to love him without enabling him.

Also read about Plan A (link in my signature) and the Q&A columns about how to meet ENs, how to avoid LBs, and how to survive infidelity (the Q&A Columns can be found at the top of this page).

Finally, start making a list of people who have influence on your WH (wayward husband). This would normally include his parents but can be his siblings, his best friend, your priest, and your Mom. Don't share this list with your WH, just start getting it together.

How do you know he and OW no longer work together? This is very important.

Thank you for your condolences on the loss of my baby. This last 3 months my life has seemingly fallen apart. I lost our baby, my dad died 3 weeks later and not one month later my husband walked out to shack up with the OW.

We will be married 8 years on 3-31 and dated 6 years prior to that.

He has no family that I can pull in for help - no siblings. He has an aunt that won't get involved and that's about it.

Now he's mad because last weekend when I told him that I thought our relationship should just be about business he was upset and kept telling me that he thought I didn't know what I wanted. Then I told him I knew about the affair and he left. He has not called me since and that hurts. I honestly don't know what he is thinking. I think his judgement is so skewed from alcohol and depression that he can't make a sound decision.

I am incredibly sad that this is happening and I don't know what to do. I'm sure he's wondering why I haven't called him because I have always caved when its come to him. I have never put my needs first and last weekend was the first time I have ever done that. He wanted his cake and to eat it too and I basically told him no. I keep wondering if he is wondering why I'm not calling him. I don't know what my next move should be. I do really miss him and love him but I can't have him back in our home every week for visits when I know he's shacked up with the OW. I have always been his stability. Plus I've found out that she has a seedy past. They are living in some apartment. He left a beautiful home for that?

As believer said earlier, drug or alcohol cases are dealt differently than a normal MB infidelity.

Rake up as much as you can on OW and WH. Separate them from abusive substances as well as you can. Do contact AA. You are dealing with a drug addict.

I have some little understanding what it is to lose a baby. My wife lost ours twice when we first married. Talk to someone who has experienced the same. It is good for both of you.

Jilted; sorry about your losses -- baby, father, wayward husband.

Hang in there and keep posting and reading! Great advice on this forum...many wise MB.com-ers here to assist you on this journey.

Remember, your husband has lost his brain...it fell out on the ground and he has no idea where it is or even how to get it back in his head. That's what an affair does to spouses. Like an alien stole their body and replaced with someone else...another alien.

Be strong and read, read, read, read. Get Surviving an Affair from this site. Read it, then read again.

And keep posting. We are here to help.

Hi, just wanted to pop by, offer my support and condolences to both of you for your losses in recent years. You've both been through a lot, and it looks as though he is avoiding feeling the pain of these losses with alcohol and the OW. I can so totally empathise as my FWH was very similar.

You need to talk through the pain with him, but that is so difficult whilst he is not at home with you. The OW is at the moment, helping him to avoid dealing with the pain, and if you confront him with these issues now, you may simply push him towards her. Maybe just an acknowedgement to him of the pain you are both carrying will help to open a dialogue?

It will be so difficult to do an effective plan A with alcohol in the mix, together with your knowledge of what is actually driving his bad behaviour at the moment. I really wish I could offer you some great words of wisdom here but I simply do not feel remotely experienced enough to do so.

I hope the vets can give you some great advice, and in the meantime I just want you to know you are not alone.

He hasn't called you because you called him out on his bad behavior and he's ashamed now. He'll be back.

All you can do is a great Plan A - IF you want him back - but at the same time hold very high standards for if you let him come back. Yes, if you LET him. Remember, HE is the one who chose infidelity, not you. Don't ever let him blame this on you. Or on his parents dying.

Hold onto your integrity and be great to him, but never cave in to what he wants. You have to set the rules here. You deserve that, and more.