|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9 |
Has anyone successfully put a friend (10+ years) who became a lover (5 times over 5 years - alcohol involved) back into the "Friend Box" and still saved their marriage?
FWH (ME) 59
WW 59
Together 44 years
Married 37 years
D 34, D 31, GD 13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639 |
No contact is supposed to be maintained for life for your marriage to have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving.
Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4
His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08
Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
Not gonna happen... 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
Is this a wayward trick question? 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9 |
No trick question - I assure you.
I am honestly interested if anyone has successfully moved a former lover back into the "Friend Box" and also saved their marriage.
FWH (ME) 59
WW 59
Together 44 years
Married 37 years
D 34, D 31, GD 13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639 |
The purpose of this site is to discuss/follow Dr. Harley's program, have you read anything of his? I'm guessing not...
Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4
His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08
Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9 |
BS, The purpose of this site is to discuss/follow Dr. Harley's program, have you read anything of his? I'm guessing not... You have guessed wrong. I have read Dr. Harley's book (HNHN) and found it to be quite moving and inspirational. Nonetheless, I am still curious if anyone has succesfully put a lover back into the "Friend Box".
FWH (ME) 59
WW 59
Together 44 years
Married 37 years
D 34, D 31, GD 13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639 |
Try reading "Surviving an Affair" and you'll have your answer.
Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4
His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08
Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
I'll save you the cost of the book. From this site: There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place. You might want to read the book any way... Surviving An Affair
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
It is extremely disrespectful to your wife to even ask this question. This "friend" crossed all boundaries of friendship when she jeopardized your marriage and allowed you to cause unspeakable enduring pain to your wife. You obviously don't get the depth of pain and suffering that your behavior has caused. You miss your "lover". That is obvious. I promise you that your wife would not want to save this "friendship". More likely she would like this person to vanish from the face of the earth -after experiencing a great deal of suffering. Get real!
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Why don't you spend time trying to think how you can put your wife back in the friend box? Or putting your wife back in your heart? How about trying to help her heal? Maybe trying to discover what emotional needs your wife has that you are not satisfying? How about protecting your wife from pain and harm? Ever hear about the rule of protection? Or the rule of care? Refocus your priorities. Have you written a N/C letter that would make your wife proud and sent it?
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
NO
NC is for life. Part of the colateral damage of an affair.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Has anyone successfully put a friend (10+ years) who became a lover (5 times over 5 years - alcohol involved) back into the "Friend Box" and still saved their marriage? Isn't that the definition of insanity? Making the same mistake over and over again but expecting a different result? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
No trick question - I assure you.
I am honestly interested if anyone has successfully moved a former lover back into the "Friend Box" and also saved their marriage. Are you an alcoholic, AGG?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
Or were you just pissed at the time you started this thread?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 447
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 447 |
Hello GGGB, The short reason you can't have your "friend" in your life anymore and there must be NC is because it destroys your wife's soul everytime there is contact. It also increases the chance that you will reignite the affair and that it prevent's healing your marriage because of many reasons the greatest is that it puts you back into withdrawal.  If you care ANYTHING for your wife NC is the LEAST of what you must do to have any chance of repairing your marriage. I no longer have contact with a THIRD of my birth family because of my wife's affair and you are having trouble with giving up a "friend"??? You've got to be kidding me... You already know there must be NC and are trying to avoid the consequences of your affair. When you are ready to start repairing your marriage, let us know because MB is the best shot you will ever get. Think about it. It worked for us and it can work for you too. Jim
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9 |
Jim_Flint, I have read your story and I am quite moved by all 15 pages of content. I am equally optimistic about the future when I read all the testimony here on MB. I will eventually tell my story, but it may seem strange, as I am the WS, whereas most here seem to be the BS. The short reason you can't have your "friend" in your life anymore and there must be NC is because it destroys your wife's soul everytime there is contact. In my moments of self-centeredness, I seem to have forgotten this. You already know there must be NC and are trying to avoid the consequences of your affair. Intellectually I know this is true, but my emotions are playing all sorts of tricks. Additionally, because of the professional environment I am in, the OW and I will have unplanned contact 3-6 times a year. I know I just need to ignore the OW, and with help, I intend to do just that. When you are ready to start repairing your marriage, let us know because MB is the best shot you will ever get.
Think about it. It worked for us and it can work for you too. Having read HNHN cover to cover twice, I certainly feel that Dr. Hartley’s methods and the input from this forum can only lead in a positive direction. No, just a social drinker (2-3 drinks a week)
FWH (ME) 59
WW 59
Together 44 years
Married 37 years
D 34, D 31, GD 13
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
Additionally, because of the professional environment I am in, the OW and I will have unplanned contact 3-6 times a year. Disaster waiting to happen not to mention this is cruel beyond words to your BW. Is your job more important than your wife? BW may not tell you outright for an assortment of reasons, but you will further damage her with this 'unplanned contact.' I know I just need to ignore the OW, and with help, I intend to do just that. You need to do a lot more than just ignore OW. You need to end ALL chances to ever run into OW.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 9 |
Disaster waiting to happen not to mention this is cruel beyond words to your BW. Disaster will only happen if I allow it to occur. My wife and I have openly discussed how she would want me to act in these unplanned meetings, and I have every intention of doing as discussed. I.E. act as if the OW was not present. Is your job more important than your wife? No. But the job and lifestyle I provide is very high on my wifes list of EN's. There is NO chance of her wanting me to quit my job.
Last edited by aGoodGuyGoneBad; 03/13/09 02:50 PM.
FWH (ME) 59
WW 59
Together 44 years
Married 37 years
D 34, D 31, GD 13
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
542
guests, and
71
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,027
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
