Hello everyone, I'm a newbie here! I'm looking for some kind of advice, support and guidence. I hope you all can help me.

I'll give you a little info first then I'll ask my question. We've been married for 12 years and have a son that is 11. I'm not for sure if my husband is cheating but I THINK its possible. I would like to at least know for sure or at least for someone to help me find a way to maybe check things out.

Our relationship has been rocky for the past few years. He pulled away from me emotionally a few years ago, he says due to resentment towards me because I had brought up past issues in his life with his family that he did not want to deal with. Maybe that was my fault to a point, but for some reason he continues to punish me for it by withdrawing emotionally and not connecting with me like we probably need to. The sex is down to hardly nothing simply because I have a hard time being with someone who holds anger/resentment and constantly blames me for his choices on things.

For the record, yes we have been to counseling. The counselor who was really great ended up telling us he felt stuck and didn't know what else to do or try since my husband wasn't willing to put forth much effort. I feel its possible he could either be thinking about it or already is seeking out an affair.

Here are some of my reasons for thinking so, even though its not real proof, and some may say automatcially that he is not.

Recently changed the password on the computer. His cell phone is hardly turned on much anymore when he is at home he used to leave it on all the time. I will say that he does NOT act overly protective of the cell though. He doesn't carry it with him outside etc or in another room, of course its usually off too. He always writes his times down that he clocks out of work, he has always done this, nothing new there, he does it to make sure he is getting paid right. Anyway those times he writes down on a little note pad he has do not always match the time he says he has gotten off work. Yes there are times he will come in with a few groceries or whatever and thats where some of his time has gone. But there are times when he comes in later than what was written down for the time he clocked out. Only takes him about 15 minutes from work to home.

I can't quite put my finger on it, or how to really describe it, but he almost acts suspcious of me in a way. He has no reason to be. I caught him going through my pocket book one day while he was waiting in the car for me to drop off a form over at our sons school, as I walked out the door I saw him with my pocket book going through it as fast as he can. Very weird. I asked him what he was doing, he said looking for some gum. That's odd to me because he acted very guilty to me for someone who was looking for some gum. You could tell he was trying to hurry before i got in the car.

So my question is, are there some ways I can find out exactly what may or may not be going on? If so, what are they? As far as the cell bill, yes it is itemized and I have not really seen many numbers on there that I didn't already know, although some are cells numbers and i can't look those up like i can land line numbers. Any help would be appreciated.

Welcome. Do you mind me asking what the past issues are that you have brought up?

Thank you for replying. Well, about his dad cheating on his mother over the years. How he never interacted with her, and hos he blamed her for things, and how she allowed it by staying with him etc.

I'm sure no one wants to hear that. But the fact is alot of how he was treated growing up was due to some of the things going on in their life at the time and has now spilled over into our relationship. There is no communication or he will sweep things under the rug etc and pretend it will just all go away. He has dealt with drinking in the past (during our marriage) and before, to deal with things, or not deal with things. Porn was a big issue at one point as well.

Some of the things I had asked him about or talked to him about such as the past, are things to me that needed to be said or delt with etc. the counselor said the same. His mind set is, and has pretty much always has been, "Why bother trying anything, because its not going to work or matter anyway." He is a pretty negative person. In counseling he was offered help on certain issues like to maybe learn proper communication skills that he didn't have etc, but he refused them and said it wouldn't matter anyway.

The bad part is, because of his negative ways of thinking, its kind of starting to rub off on me and i don't like it, because I try not to be negative.

I have point blank asked him before if he has ever had an affair, and he has said no but he did say he has thought about it. He said he wouldn't ever be like his father was in that since. however he is like his father in every way pretty much except for maybe two or three things. His father was actually caught by his mother when he cheated and to this days denies it even though he was caught.

Do I think he would come clean and tell me if he had cheated, of course not.

No, he wouldn't tell you if he is cheating. You can count on that.

You can put a keylogger on your computer - try SpectroPro. Then you will know what he is up to.

He sounds like he might be depressed.

Yes, I agree he is depressed that's for sure. He wont mention it to his doctor though. H was recently put on blood pressure meds and testaserone meds and I pretty much got blamed for that as well.

Well I know his password to his email, its the computer itself that is password protected. We both have different screens and always have. Funny thing, is when we got this new computer not long ago, his screen was password protected, mine wasn't because I didn't set it that way. When I asked him why his was, he said because it asked if he wanted it that way. Then he told me I could set mine like that if I wanted too. The thing is, I knew what that password was at one point, now its been changed.

The key logger thing I could do I guess, but I think he might find it. Would Trend Micro find it if I put it on here? A friend had suggested putting a digital voice recorder in the car too. I can not afford a PI right now either.

Hello

How old is your husband? Could he be going through a mid-life crisis?

Have things become samesy in your marriage? Is it possible that he's pulling back out of boredom? Do you think he's wanting something new in his life and is tired of the same old same old?

If he isn't willing to deal with the things that happened in his past, you're probably not going to get far there and will only cause more problems by bringing them up again. If that's the case, you probably can't deal with the past but how about dealing with the present?

You said you're new here. Have you read much on this site? Have you read about Plan A? If he's withdrawn emotionally and physically, the chances are he won't want to make the effort to put Plan A into practice but there's nothing stopping you from doing so.

Ideally, the two of you could answer the emotional needs questionnaire but if you don't think he'd go for that, how about you changing the things you habitually do so that you will hopefully satisfy the emotional needs you think he has?

For example: If you think he needs affection and you no longer greet him at the door when he gets home, how about doing so? If you think he used to appreciate you looking your best, how about treating yourself to a hair-do and some new clothes? If he likes to relax with a beer in front of the tv, how about putting some beer into the fridge, buying crisps and other finger foods, hiring a dvd you think he'd enjoy and settling down for a cosy evening together on the couch?

Maybe he's having an affair or maybe he's just feeling restless. Maybe he's not having an affair but is heading in that direction. Maybe there's no-one he's seen that he fancies but he's looking. It'll take time for you to find out.

In the meanwhile, if you read and read and read on this site then apply some of what you read, your marriage might take a turn for the better and if he's just heading in the direction of an affair, you might avert it.

Good luck.

Put out a call for keylogger experts. I'm not that well versed on computeres. But my understanding is that keyloggers are very hard to detect.

The recorder in the car is a good idea too. You can get one from RadioShack for about $40.

We are both 38. I would say out of the 12 years of being married, about 6-7 years have been like this. I have had some say, "Why are you still with him?" That's a good question, that I find me asking myself from time to time.

I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I tried all things to save it. The problem is, I wouldn't think I could save it on my own. Counselors have told him before he really should own up to his part in things or it will never go anywhere. He has yet to do it. I do know where alot of it comes from, but that doesn't mean someone should use that as an excuse to not try.

I have been trying to focus more on me and my son here lately, because I didn't know what else to do or say anymore. I think over the years I was to enmeshed in the relationship, while he was more disconnected. Neither of us had a balance in it.

I have tried some of the things you have suggested. He takes and doesn't give back. He is one of these that if he gets what he wants, he goes back to the way he was afterwards. He'll do something long enough to get something from me, then he will stop and go back to his usual ways on things. I have tried to explain to him if you are consistant in some of the things you do you might see better and more positive results with things, but he doesn't get it, or doesn't seem to want to. He refuses to see that I have shut down physically sometimes because I stand up for how I feel and I refused to continue to give and give and give him what he wanted, while I get nothing except blame, and heartache. I guess I have gotten tired and frustrated over time and its taking a toll on me.

I might try the voice recorder thing. It would be my luck I'd get caught and.or he would find it.

You know, just wanted to throw this in here. There have been times I would think something was up, like maybe him having an affair, and other times I would tell myself how silly I was being, and this was just ridiculas of me to think these things etc. When I get to thinking how silly it is, that's when my plans for checking things our further, I end up not doing then I find myself back at square one, time will pass and I'll strat feeling that way again, that something is up. A friend told me its when you start to doubt or question yourself about how you feel that can be the real answer to things about what he may be doing.

Does that make sense? is there truth to that?

Always trust your gut. My ex-husband had an affair for a year before I found out. And like everyone else here, I had no clue at all.

Dont leave questions in your mind because they will end up coming back to bite you. My W had an A for 1 1/2 years, and I thought something was up long ago but decided to trust her completely and thought to myself... There is no way she would do that to me. I had a wife that everyone thought was very trustworthy and was looked up to as a great wife.

You never know what people are capable of until it happens. Snoop now so you wont have to go through pain later. Its better you find out now and stop it before it happens, if it hasnt happened already.

Keyloggers are easily hidden and it will even show you how to hide it, just dont let your H know how you are finding stuff out and wait until you have concrete evidence. Dont bring things up to him that could mean something other than an A. Wait until you have enough evidence to completely prove that it is happening.

Yes,I have always heard its best to not reveal to much to the spouse you think might be up to something, because then they will hide it better possbily and then it might make it more tough to find something out.

Its not that I don't think it could happen to me, because i know it could, but right now I'm just at a place where I don't know for sure if he is or not. Its hard because when I get that gut instinct kicking in, its pretty strong, but then that self doubt will come in place, and its like, Oh I'm being so silly, we have problems but he's not doing that."

Thanks! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one here who has felt that doubt before though, or that has had the same gut instincts.

Lilly09,

What you are experiencing is perfectly natural. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong but then your head/heart overrides that by saying that 'he would never do that to me'. I thought the same thing until I discovered that she had. Many BS's go through months of telling themselves 'they must be silly' like you have said. It's crazy the things that some BS's overlook because they just cannot believe it is possible.

I'm not saying that you H is having an A because I honestly don't know. But, don't just ignore your gut. You could be wrong but you need to prove your gut wrong. You need to get that voice activated recorder and hide it in his car. You need to get a keylogger on the computer to record his keystrokes. You need to check out those numbers on the cell bill that you don't recognize.

We all hope your gut is wrong because you really don't want to become an offical member of this club. Nobody does.

Mindshare

By all means I think you should at least check further into seeing what he may or may not be doing.

Just something else to think about though. Since he is emotionally withdrawn from you and he knows this, its possible he might feel that you could go get those needs met elsewhere or that you are vulnerable enough to get into a situation where you might find someone who emotionally connects with you, therefore, maybe that's where his suspicion comes from.

And, the same with you. You might feel since his needs aren't being met physically by you, then that leaves him open and vulnerable as well, so maybe that's where your suspicion of him comes from.

I'm not saying that's the case for either of you, just that sometimes the mind can play tricks on a person when things aren't going well in a relationship. I will say, its best to at least check things out though to be sure, because you never know. Hope all works out.

Thank you! As far as the cell numbers, I'm not sure how to check those. I can look up landline numbers but not cell numbers, wont give them to me.

This is possible, and I think it might be one of the reasons I have had before for not following through with checking. I see it as, well, he is suspicious of me but yet I'm not doing anything, so I may be suspicious of him and he is probably not doing anything either, so that's when I'll kind of just put checking further on the back burner.

Problem is, I have been telling myself for a long time now to pursue checking out things further, if anything to put my mind at ease, and then I'll come up with a reason not to.

As far as cell numbers, does your husband have a contact list programmed into his phone? Try that, that is how I confirmed that the 328 txt msgs to one number was his mistress. I waited until he was asleep and checked because he wouldn't let his phone out of his sight on or off.

also the voice recorder and I have heard many success stories of the gps unit on the car. Or you can do it the old fashioned way and start taking mileage daily off the odometer.

I have checked it before, and most of those numbers that are stored or programmed in there are of people we both know, or work buddies of his etc. I see the itemized bill and alot of those numbers are ones that are stored in his phone. There may be some he dialed or received that were not stored in there, talk times are not long though. The texts I see are from me, or his sister or a buddy of his from work,so there's nothing weird on that part.

I sometimes think the only real way to know espcially when he gets off work and his time doesn't always match the time he tells me he has gotten off, I think sometimes he should be followed. He is also one of these people that will go hang out at a store or the mall, or anywhere but home to pass the time. That's how disconnected he is. So its possible he is some place like that killing some more time. A GPS and software to track him would be great but I can't afford that right now. I do NOT know of anyone that would be able to check him and see where he is. I can not do it myself, one he knows my car, two I had a child that I don't want to just throw in the car without be questioned hundred times what we are doing. SIGH!!

OK... husband came in from work...he seemed fine etc. You never know with him, he can be one way one minute and another the next. Anyway, he came in put his work stuff up, walked in the other room, and turned his phone off, like he has been doing lately.

So, last night, I checked it, and saw nothing. Not sure if he is deleting things or whatever. Saw where I called him and his buddies called, vice versa but nothing major...So here I am, as always back at square one, feeling like I'm being silly about all of this. I hate this! What will happen is, things will seem ok for awhile, and then all of a sudden he will start displaying behavior again that makes me think something is up.... And then it starts all over again! Urrggghh!

Sorry, just needed to vent some!