Zack whatever you need to know she should tell you. Just be sure you want to know because you can't 'unhear' it.

Zack I feel a lot of the problem here is that you simply have not been able to be upfront with your w after the affair and during the recovery process.
It does NOT excuse her lack of judgement and respect for you in any way. She may simply be one of those people who do not 'get' it unless it's put right in their face. So fine.... put it all right in her face.

Now the reasons for not being able to do that in the past are many and some discussed with you here... but the bottom line is that your w probably does not think there is too much wrong because you have never really pursued the issues that arose. Why would she doubt there is a problem???? because NO one has ever told her that SHE is wrong on this score.

But there are big problems some which are ....

her drinking - I would give some good money on a bet that it had a lot to do with her affair somewhere...

Her not realising the little lies to 'spare' you (& protect her) don't spare you at all but only create distrust and push you to wanting out...

Her failure to help you rebuild your Trust in her to protect you ...

You I am sure could add to this list.

But you see she needs to be told the problems as you see it... the sense of betrayal and loss of trust that her actions actually still encourage today!

SO what about as starting points a discussions on her drinking and getting her to cut down IF as she will think she is not addicted ... try cutting to 5 cans first etc etc if she can't then maybe AA???

What about attempting professional help with the Harley's???? if you are going to get help get the best on a Recovery plan.

Zach,
To answer your questions...
After DDay we ended up in MC and I found this site afterwards. My H read the articles and we did the questionnaires but he never posted here. As I mentioned earlier my H and I are much more open about SF and we've really improved about meeting our EN.

Zach, were you raised in an alcoholic family? You seem passive to your W's behavior. Your W drinking 8-12 cans of beer 5 days out of the week is so not normal. You really need to work on getting informed about alcoholism and codependency.