Your BH is likely a "details" guy, like me. Your lying must have driven him absolutely crazy, with you telling him (or not telling him) one thing and his instincts telling him something else. My FWW lied about two minor things about her A and when the truth came out, that was enough for almost every shred of trust I had left in her to dissipate.

Writing down the questions is a good idea. In fact, I would go even further and suggest a journal of sorts, where the "history" of the A could be documented. I did that, using the "16 steps to unfaithfulness" as a guide, and my FWW helped to fill in the gaps. Even two years' afterwards we found ourselves filling in gaps - not because she purposely withheld details, but because some questions led to other questions, which led to other questions. Keeping the journal will also help to resolve any disputes of what was or was not true, if that type of question comes up later on.



I'm one of those who believes it's best to get everything out in the open as quickly as possible. Lance the boil and don't let any pus remain that may lead to more boils. Unless he's being abusive, he gets to say when enough's enough. Keep going at it until you BOTH are tired talking about it. An added advantage of journalling the discussion is that the more your BH concentrates on that, the less heated the discussion might be, based on my experience.

FWIW, it's been almost 4 years from D-Day for me, and I can't remember when last I opened the "A" journal.

L, the hardest task in front of you right now is not talking about the A, but regaining your BH's trust. That is NOT going to come back easily, and it WILL involve swallowing your pride and being subjected to the consequences of your choices instead of avoiding them. Are you really up to that task?

Lindz,
For what it's worth there is one more confession to be made.
That would be with the One you expressed your vow to forsake all others with.

And for the record, HE won't kick you to the curb, and doesn't need a polygraph to know when your lying. If you could start there, the rest will follow if you open your heart.

All Blessings,
Jerry

AM,

I have gotten out the lies and omissions. And I want to make it clear that I am not trying to divulge as little as possible to beat a polygraph. I actually don't think one can actually "beat" a poly.
And if your only advice is to limit the A talk because that way I won't get caught in more lies, well then I would like to talk about it all day so BH can see that I am not afraid to talk about it and divulge whatever information he needs to hear from me. I asked the question because we are both trying to think of ways to not let A run our lives.

Thanks for the recommendation about the A journal. And yes, my H is definitely a "details" guy. Last week after I "lanced the boil" I wrote all the details of the affair down... times I saw OM, texts, phone calls. Would this be what you call a journal or not? Or is the journal for now that it is all out and for future conversations? We do find ourselves filling in gaps because, like you, he asks questions and they do lead to others that we hadn't even thought about till that time.

I do agree that talking about the A is not the tough part anymore. It use to be but yes, the hard part is regaining his trust. I was selfish in the past and still trying to keep my pride but I have begun to see that if I want to help recover this marriage that pride has to be thrown to the wayside and be held accountable for my consequences. I am ready for that.

lindz0225

It's close enough. It would have been even better if he was there with you and helping to write it, so it's clear to him as well as to you.



I have two journals - one that I keep about our daily interactions, and an "A" journal that's reserved specifically for details about the A. The first one is personal to me and I update it on my own timetable (used to be once or twice a day just after D-Day, but it's about once a week now), but she can read it whenever she wants to.



Are you really? It's one thing to say it, but another to actually ACT in that manner.

In my case, I've basically given up on my FWW ever wanting to earn my trust back. Yes, she's told me all details about the A. Yes, she tells me where she's going, what she's doing, etc. SHE thinks that she's earning my trust that way. But she isn't. It helps, yes, but she's avoided doing the BIG things that will earn my trust. And because of that, I know that I'll likely never be able to trust her anywhere near like I used to.

"I have gotten out the lies and omissions. And I want to make it clear that I am not trying to divulge as little as possible to beat a polygraph. I actually don't think one can actually "beat" a poly."

Sorry. I thought that was how this thread started. I must have missed something in reading through it.

Well even though I think you knw exactly what I mean I will try and make it a little clearer for you.

Your solution is ALWAYS "kick 'em to the curb" It's NEVER MB advice...never.

Now it's not hypocritical to advise differently to what you actually did but in YOUR case you make out by implication that "kicking em to the curb" is what YOU would do in their situation and your WW was SO bad and yet you did not do that.

I hope that explains the disconnect.

Lindz - I have no idea if you are trolling us or not however if you want to, you can put unhelpful posters on IGNORE quite easily by clicking on their name and then clicking on the ignore button.

All the best.

Hi, Lindz.

Talk about a doozy of a thread. Now you and many others know more about select MB members, how to edit a sig line, how useful slide rulers used to be, and the square root of 2384. Well, I don't know that answer any more as I've already forgotten but I knew it for a moment there.

Anyway...

When you first came here in late January you asked how to reveal all of your A details to your H, details you say you were struggling with or could not remember. I gave you advice from my perspective, having had to do the same back in October.

I have to admit, I'm disappointed you didn't listen then to the breadth of wisdom you received from the many experienced vets (not me) about how essential it is that your reveal everything. There absolutely can be no more lies. No more meaning no lies of ommission either. I read GP's thread earlier this week and it was really sad to know you hadn't heeded the advice you received from people who know. You've learned, I hope. And hopefully it's not too late if you and GP truly want to attempt recovery.

There are posters here who are helping you. Among all the diversions, even those whose words are abrupt and perhaps tinged with bitterness (understandably), people are giving you sage advice. Listen to Mrs. Wondering, Imagine, Mark1952, LousyGolfer, ManInMotion, BigKahuna, TheRoad, armymama, and the others. Remember, just because posters give you harsh, in-your-face advice and they color the situation with reality instead of rose-colors, it doesn't mean they don't care about what happens between you and GP. Here they know when they see cr@p, they'll call it cr@p, they won't take cr@p, and they won't dish out cr@p.

In January, I shared with you about when I revealed my last ugly detail for my H. I stated, "That was the last bombshell for us and it was a turning point. If he could bare to wake up next to me after hearing the worst, I knew I could trust him with all of me. That's a great feeling that everyone should have with their spouse." Your H does not trust you now at all and he has good reason. And in truth, he may never trust you on any level ever again. To get through this right now, your H doesn't have to, in my opinion. However, it is imperative, that you trust him. Trust him with the truth.

So if you're willing to do the hard work that it will take -- and I've been told it can take up to 5 years...

if you're willing to take the 2x4s you're going to get as people here and in other areas of your life try to keep you on the right path...

if you're willing to do ANYTHING your H needs to heal...

if you will commit to radical honesty...

and if you can prove through actions and not just words your commitment to do these things, recovery may happen.

There are two other posters here who are at about the same place as you. I understand that your PA ended last spring, but because your last D-day was only a few days ago, you are pretty much starting all over again. You may get something from Muted Sparkle's journey back to Spartan and RooGirl7's Like so many others, I am confused threads. They're both slightly ahead of you in this journey.

It's going to be hard, Lindz. From what I've experienced myself and from what I've read here on MB, I believe that as long as the BS is willing, every M has a chance to recover. I know I've put all of my eggs in that basket.

If you really want this, then suck it up, learn GP's ENs and fufill them, no LBs, be completely transparent, learn why you had the A, uncover what you did that allowed you to lower your boundaries that led you to choose the A, determine your EPs, tell only the truth, dig in, and get going.

Good luck.

bigkahuna,

I am sorry that you feel that I am trolling but I truly am not. I came to MB with the best intentions and that is to recover my marriage. I was naive and felt that I was different and that what my H and I were going through was different and could cherry pick what info I wanted to listen to and what info suited our situation in my favor. I couldn't make my marriage work, I have botched recovery up and I have come to the realization that I need expert advise from those who have recovered. The path I chose to follow has not been the path to true recovery.

I would like to apologize to all of you that I have lied to and hope that you will try to give me a second chance, just like my H goldpig22 is trying.

lindz0225

Lindz,

This thread got off track, I hope my observation on my polygraph experience were helpful to you.

Perhaps they were not what you wanted to hear, but they were as I remember the events, as I was polygraphed twice.

God Bless
NJ

Lindz, when is this polygraph actually going to happen?I lived with a WW who "planned" a polygraph for about a month and I am sorry but my instincts say that we have not heard the last of your final confessions.

"SHE thinks that she's earning my trust that way. But she isn't. It helps, yes, but she's avoided doing the BIG things that will earn my trust"

What things do you want?

I don't want to T/J, but my FWW's actions have for the most part suggested that she's more concerned about disclosure than she is about our M. While that's the case, I will never be able to trust her anywhere near like what I used to.

To your point, MIM:

I am sorry you feel that way about "final confessions". Happily for me, if that is correct to say, I will not have to "sing-like-a-canary" when the polygraph does take place. My H and I have talked a lot about it in the last 2 weeks. I have tried to schedule it but he insists that I wait till we can make a decision together. I would have loved to have taken it by now.

lindz0225

Lindz, lost some posts here, did you guys do the poly yet? -really hoping this comes out right!