Welp, a little background info. I am currently on my third deployment since 2005. I was married to my girlfriend of 4 years in September of 2004. Anyway, about 2 months after my leaving for Iraq again my wife started acting strange. She was distant, didnt answer the phone when I called or reply to my emails. I suspected something shady, but then again that thought goes through everybody's mind over here ever now and again. Anyway she swore to me numerous times there was no other person, she just wanted some time to think about our relationship, b/c I admittedly pushed her away inadvertently due to the nature of my deployment.

However, about 4 days ago I found out she stopped wearing her wedding ring around the beginning of January, only a little over a month after she alerted me of the problems we were having. I began snooping, and found sufficient evidence from other people and through my own two eyes she was seeing another guy. I confronted her about it only to have her deny it initially, then admit to "seeing a guy at work" and that she "kind of liked him" which she said meant he was a really good friend. Needless to say I was furious and went off(I just recently became aware of this site and I now realize that was a bad move on my part). However, we both calmed down and I was able to exchange emails with her a few hours later. She was hellbent on figuring out why "somebody was talking crap about her" and "ruining her life." I asked her if there was anything physical, she said no he was just somebody she enjoyed hanging around and talking to(I later found out that she would talk to him at all hours of the night and ignore my phone calls and emails to her phone while talking to him. She also blew off my talking to her and my daughter so she could see him at a car show). I have read a great deal on this website, just ordered the SAA book, but wont be here for a week at least. I already exposed the infidelity to our friends and family, b/c she refused to quit work saying the money is too good and we need it(which we honestly do) and that he's a friend and "nobody is going to keep me from talking to my friends."

From what I gather reading, plan A is all about her ending it, and my showing her all the good things/times we've shared and what I can do for her. But how do I do that across the world when I only have email and phone? She says he works different shifts and they mainly talk over the phone, but if I turn off the phone then I have cut my means to communicate to her and my daughter in half. I come home in roughly 30-40 days. She is 25, I'm 24, our daughter is 2.

Hi LostGi,

Welcome to MB.

If you click on 'notify' on the bottom of your first post, you can ask the moderators to shift your thread to general question 2 which has alot more traffic and the vets to help you.
MB is quite over the weekends so you may have to wait until Monday before they come on board.

In the mean time, good news about getting SAA, have you read the basic concepts? You seem to have a good grasp of Plan A, except your WW will not want to end her EA, her actions are somewhjat out of your control right now, unless she has told you and shown by her actions that she is willing to go NC. Has she written a NC letter?

Yes I have read the basic concepts and no, she hasnt written a NC letter yet. As of the night before last I know he called her and they talked for about 2 hours. I've been checking our cell phone usages and the number is there like clock work around 10pm-1am.

I totally feel for you - I'm here physically with my WW and she still is in contact with the OM. I asked her last year to give him up - even a counselor demanded it - but she was not going to let anyone tell her who she could and could not see. On top of that, she was convinced that if she did, I wouldn't be able to meet her EN's so she would be out him and void with me.
I'm the same as you regarding blow-ups and trying to get my points across - in the wrong way - until I found this site, this way....
We are going to counselling Wednesday again - I started it myself a couple of weeks ago - and I have been in contact with her via e-mail (even though we live in the same house, but me in the basement). I guess I'm on a makeshift Plan B. I've admitted to all the faults she listed about me - and then some, which garnered even more fury from her, as she said it proves how well I hide stuff from her and that we do not communicate, have grown apart, etc....
I did tell her that by continuing to talk to the OM that she had made a decision and that it told me the direction counseling should take. To this, she went off again on my faults and how she had talked to others about how weird my behaviors are, that my demands on our relationship are totally inappropriate and demeaning and how I have "major personal issues" that I need to work out.

From what I've read - and what I'm trying to follow - I've comitted to stoping the destructive behaviors and alienating communications / methods. I use "I" statements in all my discussions (no matter how limited) and e-mails with her. I acknowledge that I have not met her emotional needs.
I have gone through and ranked my emotional needs - and sent her the same questionnaire if she was interested to compare prior to seeing our counselor on Wednesday.

I'm aslo focusing on fixing myself - if she comes into counseling and flat out has an axe to grind on me, then I will take all her input - and my counselor has told me that at the least it will give him a full picture / validation of what I've told him - and use her insights to become a better person and better at relationships overall.

My perspsective is that I still have hope, but whatever happen will happen and I need to get better, be better and also relate better (maybe for my next relationship). This approach and fundamental shift has already produced changes in her as well.

Hang in there - I totally respect and admire your service to our country and am saddened that in doing so, you have had a relationship casualty. The price you are paying to server our country should not include this added amount....

Hello GI. I am sorry this is happening in your life. Deployments are very difficult for everyone. On the General Questions forum there is a thread (Cheaated on in Iraq) for a Soldier who is also deployed. There are plenty of helpful posts over on that thread if you care to read through that one.

I think it is extremely difficult to deal with As when the married partners are apart. Are you due to return home for R&R or redeployment anytime soon?

Best wishes to you.

AM

I read a couple pages of that thread, and I am to back in the states in the next 30-40 days. This is also my last deployment, as I separate from the military 2 months after this. Ironically enough we decided I get out b/c of the strain it was putting our relationship under, guess she couldn't hold out a few more months. Also, I tried to block the OM's phone number through Verizon, but in order for me to do that I have to shell out more cash and sign up for another calling plan. So I'm still kind of at square one with cutting off comm's with her and the OM.

Lost,

I am a Navy guy and so feel for you. The exact same thing happenned to me, and so many other guys I know. It is so horrible being away and not being able to make any efforts in person.

Can I ask, what did family and friends say on finding out during exposure? Did you get some good support? Was there any effect on your WW besides her saying no one was going to keep her from talking to friends?

This is exactly the progression my wife's A started in, stopped wearing rings etc. It is good you are coming home in a month. Stay mission focussed fornow as best you can.

Everybody was shocked, and never thought she would do something like this. Her best friends that she hangs out with back home didn't even know, or so they said. I talked to two of them over the phone and they sounded to be legitimately shocked, so I guess I can believe them. Some of them were supposed to confront her about it, but I havent heard back from them to see how that went. She is extremely upset with me b/c I "spread our business around." I actually tried to keep our problems quiet, but she wouldn't talk to me, so I turned to our friends. Then come to find out that was what I was supposed to do anyway. However, now though people are telling her its my fault she did this b/c I "treat her so badly." And all they are going by is her side of the story, and not the whole picture.

Yeah,

"Why won't you let me have A in secret?!!!" Great job on exposing. Be sure to keep those phone records and any emails where she admits to the A. Keep them all.

Yeah, let me guess, you found out your friends were saying that it was your fault because you treated her so badly....from your WW? Right?

Yep my WW said the same thing. "Everybody thinks you are crazy."

It's just a ploy to spin things her way and to keep you from further exposure. A cruel trick to mess with your head so she can continue her adultery in peace. Pay no attention to it.

Get her into long email conversations about everything. Draw evidence out of her, save it and print out hard copies.

My friends later told me that my WW was full of crap. That they 100% supported me and had even had an intervention with her to tell her she was destroying her marriage and her family. This was the intervention that my wife told me, "Yeah, they all came over to talk. And they told me I should LEAVE YOU!"

WW's are so funny...

yeah, the strangest thing about everything I've read on this site is that everything people say she will say/do she has done or is doing. Its quite freaky to say the least.

Yep,

It's a script and they all seem to go the same way, exactly. The nice thing about that is you can predict everything with great accuracy so YOU know ahead of time what she will say/do.

Helps your planning etc. a lot. There will be times when you literally have to smile because she is so predictable and she won't understand why you are smiling and it will anger her.

After all, she isn't just another wayward spouse, "She is special! She is different! You don't understand, this is real, not fantasy!"

While you are away and can't really plan A her, and while she is so foggy, I am serious, get her to admit all you can thru email and save the evidence.

She is a stumbling down drunk right now and this is the time to strike, while she isn't thinking clearly.

I got my WW to admit to all kinds of stuff thru email, mostly when she would get upset. I read over those emails now and just howl laughing. She put it all in print for permanent record.

Later when the fog started to clear and she was getting a bit sober she was soooo maaaaddd! She said I tricked her into putting things in writing and it wasn't fair, that she wanted all copies of what she wrote and wanted me to delete everything!

Hah!

yeah, I'm trying to plan A her at the moment. I told her about the books I read, and anger management and classes I took with the chaplain to be a better husband overall. She seems to take all that in pretty well, and i asked her if there was a gun to her head and she had to make a decision to stay or go what would it be. She said she'd stay, but I'm having problems getting her to stop talking and seeing the OM and start wearing her ring again. 30 days can't come fast enough.

Yep, that's the thing. You can't make her stop seeing the OM, in fact you can't make her do anything. Exposure may make it uncomfortable for her though and that's a good thing.

With only 30 days to go it will be soon enough that you are able to SHOW her rather than just TELL her you are making changes.

Until then I would'nt do a lot of realtionship talking or telling her about all the books you are reading etc. To her it sounds needy. If you mention it do it in driveby fashion.

Just try to have light, friendly, funny conversations and steer clear from R talk and asking her whether she will stay etc.

Keep snooping too, but don't let on that you are and don't reveal your sources e.g. cell phone bill.

Collect intel and keep it secret for now.

I'm serious about the email thing too. Consider it.

yeah i have probably close to 300 emails and myspace messages total. Of that there are several where she tells me she can't promise to stop seeing him or start wearing her ring and stuff. How exactly will that help if we end up getting a divorce or than having the divorce clearly state infidelity as a cause and not "irreconcilable differences." Not really familiar with the whole divorce thing, so sorry if thats kind of a dumb question.

It's proof to others for one thing that you aren't "crazy" and controlling. Helps with further exposure among other things. Don't even think about divorce right now.

Are you in IZ/AF? Go to bed. Try to sleep.

not really thinking about it, but I have prepared myself for that reality when I get back. Was just wondering what else the proof would do. I'm in Kuwait currently, based here and do supply convoys throughout Iraq.

Well, also your WW is going to change her story about a million times thru the process. Sometimes you are going to think, "gee maybe I AM crazy???" You can go back and read her words.

Keep them for also for timelines, consistency etc.

It is also always a weapon for further exposure should you need it. Your WW is going to lie to everyone and take the stance that it doesn't matter what she tells you, no one will believe you anyway.

It is not the be all to end all, just a very good thing to have in your backpocket.

So I talked to my cell phone company, and they told me it is possible to block a number from being called/texted or receiving calls/text messages. So I possibly consider this as a way for getting her to stop talking to him on the phone all hours of the night? Or should I keep it like it is and just monitor the calls from the billing statements?

Also, I was thinking about not telling her when I'm coming home, and just kind of showing up at her work or at the house one day. I'm pretty much expecting for there to be an altercation between the OM and myself when I get back. Whether or not it turns out to be physical, I'm not sure but I was assume it would. I know thats mostly my taker trying to come out and influence my decisions, but I think if theres one thing I'm going to give into my taker it's going to be confronting the OM. Good idea/bad idea?

I don't recommend a physical altercation. One MBer did that recently. It's generally not a good plan. It's sort of hard to plan A from jail.

Maybe you could remind him that his girlfriend is a married woman.

Well, it's different because I am female. However, I did confront OW a couple of times - officer to enlisted, kind of like I was giving an Article 15. It felt sort of good at the time, but then she had an excuse to go to my H and complain about me harassing her (Like her bedding him between 30 and 50 times over a 7th month period wasn't an attack on me). I would have liked to have chewed her out a few thousand more times.


Guess my personal advice would be if you end up confronting him, don't leave a permanent injury, any marks or have witnesses. And don't do it on post.

AM

Actually Cinderella is right and I am wrong. It is a bad idea.