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Shinethrough--Can't make up my mind whether your post was tongue-in-cheek or not. If it was, let me congratulate you on your subtlety. Very deft. If it was not, then I'm not sure that we're talking about the same thing.
It just strikes me as very odd that a man would want to be his wife's only friend. Best, maybe yes. But only? Even the best relationships/marriages benefit from sufficient room to breathe!
tl
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Okay...what did I do THIS time???  Charlotte
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Okay...what did I do THIS time??? Charlotte 'taint ewe
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Okay...what did I do THIS time??? Charlotte 'taint ewe But I don't have a ewe to taint!! OOOOOOOooooohhhhhhhh....WHEW!!!  Charlotte
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I think in a good marriage, a wife IS her husbands BEST friend [and vice versa] and no other "friendships" should come before that. Chapter 9, Resolving Conflicts over Friends and Relatives. Here are some excerpts: pg 176, Lovebusters Don't have any relationships without the enthusiasic agreement of your spouse. Otherwise the relationships become Love Busters.
Your spouse is your most important friend and relative. No others should ever be allowed to come between you. Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement to make sure they don't.I suppose that would be considered abusive in today's modern lexicon where just objecting to a wife's behavior is called "controlling" and "abusive." It is the refrain of every entitled woman who comes here who is actually engaging in INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR. She often reports that her husband is "jealous" and "insecure" and then talks about her outside relationships that she knows torments him.  It seems ODD to me that a wife who claims to LOVE her husband would TORMENT such a mental cripple? 2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive;... Is the jealousy warranted? Just being jealous is not abusive. Often something has led to this. And is the answer to "jealousy" to go out and make more friends outside of the marriage and torment your spouse? 3. CONTROLLING: ...insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. First off, a grown woman does not have to ASK PERMISSION. That is ridiculous. She does not NEED permission. However, my H and I confer with each other and get mutual agreement before we go anywhere. That is just a common consideration in a marriage. 4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need. (He expects you to only have him as your ONLY friend and vice-versa) Yes, I expect my H to meet my needs. So lock me up in the nut ward! Seriously, when someone gets their needs met outside of marriage, the others are SOON TO FOLLOW. Getting your needs met outside of marriage is bad for marriage, not good. 5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; ... I see so many women play this card when her H simply wants to be PUT FIRST that I don't know how valid it is. I don't think any of this is really ABUSE, but I do think some of the behaviors Shule has described ARE ABUSIVE. Such as screaming at her and throwing things. But the answer to that abuse is not to go out and do more of the thing that AGGRAVATES HIM, but have the man LOCKED UP!! The problem is that women have so overplayed the "controlling" card that it no longer has any meaning. It usually just means she wants to shut him up so she can be thoughtless to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm about to return Neak's children to the maternal bosom, which has had an afternoon off, so to speak. I don't want to go back and look through the pages to find the exact wording, but didn't she say that her husband wanted to be her "only" friend? That now that they were married, having his friendship was enough? But he had work friends. Who's her friend while he's off socializing at work? If that's the way it really is, she's getting the very short end of the stick, IMHO. The whole thing sounds "off" to me.
Well, I have a grandson peering over my shoulder like Snoopy's vulture.:RollieEyes: Adieu...
tl
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A few years ago I went to a furniture store to look at bedroom sets. My H was out of town and we had agreed I would find ones I liked and when he came back we would go look at them TOGETHER and make the decision then based on what we both liked. I found one at a store I really liked and got all the information on it. I explained to the saleslady that I would come back with my H and show him before making a final decision. you would have thought I threw water on a vampire: "You have to GO ASK YOUR HUSBAND????? THAT IS HORRIBLE!!" :MrEEk: she said with horror and disgust.. She looked at me like I had TWO HEADS and was from the 50's. The notion of showing RESPECT to a man was FOREIGN TO HER. I know many women who would accuse my H of being "controlling" because he wants to have a SAY in the furniture we buy. IN FACT, I used to call him controlling because he DARED to have an opinion before I got to Marriage Builders. Popular culture and a FEMINAZI mother in combat boots taught me that if a man had an OPINION he was being "controlling." That is why I go  when I hear the controlling card being played. I used to play the same card ....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you all for your posts. For those pointing figures go on doing so. Somebody is asking what i do when my husband is at work. I do have a part-time job and i do go to a college...Monday through Thursday. So i am not just sitting here and doing nothing. Also our apartment is always clean and i don't complain having to do all that. My husband does help with house work too.
Someone else says that the way i describe my husband is wrong because there is no man who can be like that. Well then Doctor...you are wrong. I will make this clear....."I HAVE NOT GONE OUT TO MEET ANYBODY"
Somone else says that i don't like to be challenge. You are wrong. I have realised that american's like to go discussing their personal lifes with total strangers even without considering about the future. In my culture people say what they got to say. At work i hear people bad mouth their husbands or wifes which is so annoying. At times i just want to leave the room but i have to work and have to listen through that crap.
I have said that my husband is abusive, he has called me names, he has thrown things around the house, one time i was carrying a cup of hot coffee and he hit the cup of coffee and i was lucky i jump the opposite direction otherwise i would have been burnt. For those saying there is something i am not saying you ask the question you wish answered and i will answer them.
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For those saying there is something i am not saying you ask the question you wish answered and i will answer them. Okay. Where did you meet your husband? How did you meet your husband? How long did you date before you finally got married? Charlotte
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I have said that my husband is abusive, he has called me names, he has thrown things around the house, one time i was carrying a cup of hot coffee and he hit the cup of coffee and i was lucky i jump the opposite direction otherwise i would have been burnt. Do you realize you can have him ARRESTED for this in America? He cannot throw things at you and cause you harm. You don't have to tolerate this. I have realised that american's like to go discussing their personal lifes with total strangers even without considering about the future. In my culture people say what they got to say. At work i hear people bad mouth their husbands or wifes which is so annoying. At times i just want to leave the room but i have to work and have to listen through that crap. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ummm Mel- I was only responding to the things that Shule said in her post that sounded very much like signs of abuse. Having a sister and best friend since high school who have gone through this, I saw some red flags and I found Dear Abby's article today very timely in pointing out what to look for. That's why I posted the link. I guess I should have posted the whole thing. DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Josh," won't leave me alone. We have been living together for almost a year, and he is the ultimate overprotector. When I start to leave the house to run errands or anything, he stops me and asks, "Where do you think you're going?" When I tell him, he will then follow me to the location.
I love Josh and would never want to hurt his feelings, but I think he's a little too worried about me. I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself. Is Josh being too overprotective, or am I just crazy? -- OVERPROTECTED IN OREGON
DEAR OVERPROTECTED: You're not crazy. Josh's behavior is over the top and is less about your safety than his own insecurity and lack of trust. Every year or so, I print the warning signs of an abuser. Please review them carefully. If any of the signs in addition to No. 3 apply to you, you should end the relationship immediately. Read on:
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." Notice, I added the statement "only friend" as Shule's H had said-and did not say that it was wrong to a spouse's best friend. The statement about "meeting all needs" isn't about being willing to meet the needs of the other, it's about being "perfect". For example, my bf's MC asked them to watch the movie "Fireproof". What her H said after the movie was "That's what I expect you to do for me." There was no thought of him doing it for her. She asked. Sorry if it sounded like I was using the "controlling" card. I wasn't. I just saw too many things from my sis and my friend that made me concerned.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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Chalotte..you are just full of curoisty!!! Am not going to answer your questions. With all due respect i don't want to hear from you again. You sound like a very noisy person.
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Sorry if it sounded like I was using the "controlling" card. I wasn't. I just saw too many things from my sis and my friend that made me concerned. johnstwin, I am sorry I came across that way to you. I KNOW you well enough to know you DO NOT play that card. You have good judgment and a heap of common sense. Sorry if it seemed as if I was criticizing YOU, I wasn't. I also think Shule is being abused based on the throwing things and yelling at her. Her H probably thinks he can get away with that crap since she is a foreigner.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Chalotte..you are just full of curoisty!!! Am not going to answer your questions. With all due respect i don't want to hear from you again. You sound like a very noisy person. Yes, I can be. But if you want help, then why aren't you answering the simplest of questions? What's the big secret? I was engaged to my husband for nearly a year before we got married. So what's the big deal answering a question like that? I don't get it. Did you have any history at all with him before you met him? I think SWW hit the nail on the head with you. Charlotte
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What question?
"How did you meet your husband? If you don't mind me asking?"
Shule I am glad you are back.
If your husband is truly as abusive as you say you should leave and go to a shelter, you may be in danger.
But,
Some of us think there may be more going on here.
this board is anonymous. It's good you don't like to particpiate in idle gossip. This is not that. This is a place where people come to discuss problems, mostly regarding infidelity.
So, again, How did you meet your husband?
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Her H probably thinks he can get away with that crap since she is a foreigner. Yep. Which is yet another reason I would like to know the answer to the question I am asking. Charlotte
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Melodylane...i know very well that my husband gone be thrown to jail if i reported. And i tell you he is lucky i haven't called the cops on him...because if i did that he would loose his job too. I have got some good advice here and tomorrow i will talk to my husband and see whats next and maybe he can talk in a calm way.
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No problem Mel.  Just wanted to make sure I was clear. Sometimes that's hard in cyberspace. Shule-please know that we are only asking because we are concerned. I have seen this from an insider's point of view. It may seem like small things right now, but it escalates.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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this board is anonymous. It's good you don't like to particpiate in idle gossip. This is not that. This is a place where people come to discuss problems, mostly regarding infidelity. Riiiiight! And where others try to help. But our hands are tied... if we don't know all of the facts we can't help. Charlotte
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