Hi abm,

I'm glad you updated. I'm not sure why you are expecting 2x4s, since you are doing so well, but I would urge you to follow through the requirements for recovery from an affair, once your H's depression is under control. Don't let the problem of two affairs in your marriage disappear from view.

As I posted on st's thread, Dr Harley says this about depression and marital problems:

Whenever a spouse I counsel for marital problems suffers from severe depression, my first item of business is to treat the depression, not the marital problems. The treatment, however, is much simpler than most people think. Anti-depressant medication is the ticket. It greatly relieves, if not eliminates entirely, a depressive state so that the spouse I counsel can succeed in meeting the other spouse's emotional needs. As his depression is lifted, he seizes opportunities both in his marriage and at his job, that makes him more successful. In the end, his self-esteem is restored because he finds himself successful in achieving his life's ambitions. I do not believe that counseling to improve self-esteem, apart from showing people how to be successful, ever really improves self-esteem.

What to do with a depressed spouse

I'm glad to hear about the new business opportunities and the move across state. Moving away from contact with OWs is essential to recovery:

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Coping with infidelity: part 2. How should affairs end?

You should also see Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

Your H must make sure he does do this to you again.

We are going to vegas because his bowling team has a trip planned there already, that's just where nationals is this year. We are leaving a few days before the others for some time alone, and then the rest of the team will be joining us.

As far as protectiveness, he has always been like this, not just since the affairs. He feels that everyone is out to get him, he has since he was abused and neglected.

While I agree that the medications certainly help with the depression, getting him to let down his walls is going to need some additional work with a counselor. I was expected 2X4's because he is not being completely transparent, but I cannot push to fast or he just pulls back inside.

He knows that I will need full transparency to completely recover and he will be talking to his counselor about it. He tells me that he hopes he can do that for me soon, but we are scared to risk worsening his mental health by being too far out of his comfort zone. I want him to do it for me because he wants to, not because I make him.

Don't worry, we are addressing our marital issues. Of course, at this time I am able to do more in that aspect than he is.

I really think looking back at the traumatic experience of actually planning to go through with suicide has make him realize that he needs to make big changes, which he is working on.

abm, please have a look at Mrs W's post she made just a few minutes ago to staytogether. I can't think that there is better advice on what you are facing and the need to set boundaries. The problems of both bp and the affairs have not gone away because his mood is stabilised at the moment. Mrs W describes a tendency for the bp to get worse and for the sufferer to avoid medication. You might have more problems to face in the future, so please be vigilant and keep seeking and using sources of support for yourself.

SC,

I did check out Mrs W posting, thanks for the info, you can never have too much.

I have already discussed with my H that we will need to stay on his meds for life and he agrees, at least at this point. He also told me that the doc advised him that people with bipolar usually do get to a phase that they want to quit taking the meds, but it is imperitive that they take them anyway. Since he has tried to cope for so long without them, I think he sees that it is a lifetime thing. However, if he does get to the point that he does not want to take them, I will definately not be putting up with it. Also, he has seen my mother trying to stop taking her meds on and off for years and he does see it from my side.

Also, we are definately working on our relationship to avoid anymore infidelity. Just the fact that he is now working during the day instead of overnights and actually being able to sleep has made a big difference for us. We will continue to work hard at our relationship. As of right now it is me more than him though until he works on himself for a while first.

Something that helped with my R with my H.

I would remind him over and over...and still do when he gets in an angry jag...I simply say to him..."I am not your enemy." That is all I need to say to remind him where I am, it is not a me vs. him battle we are in, we are on the same team...

And at first I would see him angry or blaming me, and would say..."I am not your enemy" or "I am on your side." It helps a person reframe their thinking.

Still,

Thank you, that is a great idea. I will definately keep that in mind. I think his counseling will also help with this, he says he needs to figure out why he has to protect himself even from me.

This is a very excellent technique when one is dealing with a spouse who is not mentally ill and who is not in a bi-polar state of mind.

Excellent! - I shall be using this too

His situation kind of reminds me of that movie Memento, where the guy pieced his life together - backwards - by writing notes to himself as he went along, because he knew HE (future HE) would read them and believe himself.

This may sound kind of corny, but what if he got a wipe-off marker and wrote on his bathroom mirror to remember that he promised you and himself that he wouldn't stop taking his meds. That way, when he's on the high, he may feel invincible, but he'll see that he personally wrote that he made you a promise.