Oh Lord...

heh heh *nervous, resigned laughter* yeah.

Why doesn't it affect me as much as I thought it would? Am I getting used to the abuse or am I running low on love for her?

I filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaire today. I had to differentiate the responses for pre-D-Day and post. They're alarmingly different.

Really curious to see hers. Nothing seems to scare me anymore. We even talked about some details of the affair and triggers and her boundaries last night.

Zen,

Could you please write down for us the list of boundaries you wrote out and handed her as a pre-condition for her moving back into the house after spending the night and banging the OM, after getting drunk and picking the fight so that you would get angry and leave her there so she could go to the OM's house.

Give me the list please.

Scre* the EN questionnaire for now please...

Uh oh, here come the 2x4s...

I'm going to ask her to write down the boundaries, then I'll add any that she can't come up with.

Mine are:

No contact letter.

Use MB. Schedule sessions with Dr. Harley. Follow his plan.

Find your own tools for recovery/personal issues.

No more drinking for the foreseeable future.

No more bars for the foreseeable future.

Not more late night outings without me for the foreseeable future.

No aggressive, defensive, arrogant attitude.

No lies.

Complete transparency.

I'm filing for divorce, this is not changing. I don't think that fight was an excuse to end up with the OM. I don't think she'd come crawling back the next day if that was the case. I think this is her still so deep in her selfish fantasy and DRUNK, that she does things without thinking of the consequences. I told her that she exhibits a lot of traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I think most waywards do, but it was a good conversations piece).

yeah stand by for the 2x4 i just have to re-read what you just wrote

I told her that she exhibits a lot of traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I think most waywards do, but it was a good conversations piece).

Oh sorry I missed this one, triple HAH. She is hearing blah, blah, blah blah...

To her you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher when you talk about NPD.

She says, "yeah, honey you know you might be right, I really need to look into that."

As she snuggles her hungover head into the pillows grateful you let her back in even after what she did, thanking her lucky stars she can essentially do whatever she wants and you'll just take it, hoping you'll shut your pie hole so she can sleep cause she's hungover and tired from staying up all night banging another man.

zen,

You're not wasting our time, even if you do file for D.

There's a lot for you to still tap into and D's can be reversed. Filing first for a D puts you in the driver seat for the proceedings.

And you might still have to deal with a custody fight, where there is VAST experience on the board for that.

Keep documenting and keep expecting crazy behavior from her.

Zen, sorry if I was stiff with you, but as I said, I am still married but extricating myself from the EXACT type woman you are married to.

I don't want you to go thru the 18 months plus that I have gone thru.

It is only after I told her to scre* off and started fighting for myself and my kids that she even started to wake up.

I had to take away her cake and candy in a very, very serious way with complete disregard to what her potential reaction would be before she started to wake up.

Only when she takes you seriously, that there will actually be consequences for continuing to act out like she is will she be in a position to possibly change herself.

I had to move on emotionally before she started to believe it, but by the time she did, I fear, it was just too late for me.

I think Baron has a good overall strategy here though, filing for D may be best for both of you in the long run.

Yep...


wow. I was hoping I had read that wrong. Nope. Man, I feel for you. All this work and the minute you leave her drunk-[censored] she calls the OM and it's on. Didn't she say she *forgot* his phone number? Or was that another WW?

Anyway, you are in a terrible situation my friend. But rest assured...you have worked on YOU and are a better person for going through all of this. You worked on yourself, worked to be the best Dad you could be and even became a better husband.

It's clear your crazy wayward wife (CWW -- hey, I coined a new acro here ) isn't in a place where she can even work on the marriage right now.

And yes, after their hookup, you are back to square #1 with regard to withdrawal and recovery.

I'm guessing you probably still have a little left in your love bank for your wife. If it were me and my wife had been treating me this way, wavering, drinking, AO's, DJs, floundering, etc...then drunken dialing the OM and hooking up -- well, if it were me I'd pack all her junk up and leave it in the driveway. And change the locks and head right to Plan B / D. File for divorce my friend. Get the upper-hand with the courts.

And don't talk to her. Go stright to Plan B. Go dark! And see an attorney TODAY! Okay, might want to talk to lawyer before going dark and changing locks. Each state has different rules / regs when considering mother's rights to children.

Man, it seriously bums me out to hear the latest turn of events in your marriage. I just want to grab your CWW and shake her.

Be strong. Be strong for your kiddos. Be strong for you. You may never be able to recover your marriage, but you HAVE created a better Zen!

Keep posting, keep documenting and keep snooping your tail off. All that snooping could turn in to great evidence in divorce court. Write all this crap down.

My heart goes out to you Zen!

"I just want to grab your CWW and shake her."

Never, ever, ever shake a baby...


DNU,

CWW? Love it and poor Zen's CWW takes the cake.

Sorry Zen, time to go to work. You are too good for this.

SIGH. Gentlemen, I appreciate your continued support and advice and I hope if I don't always follow your advice, you won't feel offended. I hope you will continue to weigh in because I need this more than ever.

This is my wife. This is the woman I pledged myself to. This is the mother of my children. I still love her very much. I am not ready to give up completely. I am arranging a consultation with an attorney this week, and will initiate that process. BUT, if there has been a time when she is saying and doing the right things, this is it. If she can keep her current attitude and actions up, this might be saved. If she can't, then I'll allow the divorce to go through.

I'm asking her to start a thread here. I'm asking her not to read mine (although if she does, I don't think I care too much). She read a couple drafts of recent posts, including the one from our latest meltdown, and I think this is part of what scared the hell out of her. Can she keep up the effort? Can she keep up the attitude? We'll see? She sounds like she's willing to do anything. I hope she is.

So 2x4 if you must, and I'll follow the advice that I find helpful, most of it has been, but I am going to keep trying with my marriage until I just don't have anything left.

Well we've entered into a strange new chapter. My wife has started her own thread. Please try to be constructive, not just abusive if you decide to post to her thread. Her name is cohosalmon.

This could be really good or really weird or really bad. Maybe a little of each.

Thanks for your continued support.

I presume she is Cohosalmon. I will be nice.

I think most of us will. We'll be NICE and FIRM and apply pressure when required. Sometimes it takes a heavy hand to break through.

We've got both your backs Zen.

Thanks everyone. Honest to god just kinda of feeling floaty. Every emotion in the book. Whoa, I need coffee.

Zen: While I will not break out the 2x4 on her just yet...she may see a little 1x2 from me

Faith and strength to you Zen!

Zen,

If you can it might be a good idea not to read your WW's thread for awhile. You may feel the temptation to dispute her "facts" and/or argue with her, which may dissuade her from staying.

Try to resist if at all possible.

I agree. Let us 2x4 her a little and hammer home some basic concepts. She needs a little dose of MB.com.

I'm surprised she is here...but in a way I'm also glad! I see a faint light in the distance where there was once none. This morning I would say it's third an long...and it's time to punt. Now, with her here I'm thinking it might be time for a nice little screen or a deep out. Take what the defense will give you for one more play.