Well, we've had some of it out - dribs and drabs.

Told WH that I need to know it all now - I need to hear his voice mail - I need to know everything.

He got mad and said - Do you want details about everything? I said Apparently yes. I don't WANT them but I NEED them - I need to know how this happened, what was the catalyst that sent him to her, what it was that made him think that he could do this - pursue her - allow her to pursue him. I told him that in order to protect us from this happening again I need to know how it happened in the first place. I take responsibility for the 50% fault in this happening in the first place - now I told him he needs to meet 1/2 way so that I know that he wants to work on us and be honest. If he's told me the truth so far nothing he or she says will make me give up on us - nothing - unless there's more and I'm giving him the chance to come clean now.

Maybe that's what throwing him for a loop - the part that I'm not being overly emotional and I'm in complete control of myself - no LBs,no accusations, no snippy comments - just rational behaviour.

I know it's early but should we be seeing a therapist now? Would it help?

Did you TELL HIM you were going to listen to his voice mail, dazed?? WHY?? That just gives him a chance to DELETE them before you get in.

Dazed, I think you are wasting your time badgering a liar for the truth. As I said before, you aren't likely to get the whole story unless you start doing some investigating yourself. Continually badgering him for it is not going to get you very far.

Did you read any of my posts?

He won't give me the code to get in - I've been asking for days but to no avail. He says he doesn't want to listen to them and he doesn't want me to hear them. Told him that while I know that it'll hurt hearing them as long as he's told me the truth about everything so far then I'll know that she is lying. It's like a bandaid - we just need to rip it off and get over it!

He's still not giving up the code to get in to voicemail - I never knew it before because I had no reason too...

I'm doing everything wrong...

She sent another email...a rambling message with a lot of spelling errors (that drives me nuts) - she wrote about how he manipulated her and that he needs to make it right - she was his best friend for a lifetime - a lifetime? He said this was just going on for 2 mos. She said that he made a lot of promises to her and that she has nothing more to say to him (good). She also sent a packet to him in the mail and not to get mad it's his own fault she did it...

She's messing with me...

Please don't lose this window of opportunity. If you don't reply to the emails . . . please don't contact us again or something like that then please have your husband call her with you there so you can witness the NC . . . I let my husband do the first break up over the phone and truly believed him because he was so upset and depressed. Once he went back to work the contact resumed under a different e-mail account. Soon he was traveling away from home to see her. I could have done the exposure to the OW's H at that time and didn't. The next four months did a lot of damage to all of us. She had nothing to lose by continuing the A because she thought her contact information was not available. Just a suggestion.

If she really did send a packet to him in the mail, file a temporary change of address with the post office to an address that is under your control, like your parents' address. This way you can access the package without his knowledge.

Listen to Mel.

Dazed, have you looked up her name to see if she is married? Do you have her home phone #? Did you read my post about that?

Can you delete or REMOVE her email about the packet so your H does not see it? Can you forward it to your own mailbox and then delete it from his?

Yes - went to Intellius and anywho.com - but her name is not there. I have her last name and a nickname not the full name. I don't have her home number - when I looked at my husband's cell phone bill the calls I suspect were from/to here were an unlisted number.

I'm waiting for the mail man to come now - she indicated in the email that the packet would come today.

I did forward/copy all correspondence from her so far to my computer/email.

Did you try this: Reverse Cell Phone Directory

I don't want to project my anxiety on you but. . .I'm not sure if you mentioned how you found out? Is this a fight between your WS and the OW. The reason I ask is that happened to me and once they resumed contact they made up and the A continued. My WS was clearly upset but it was something that happened between them! Just a thought to consider . . .once his vacation is over who knows what steps she mmight take to resume the contact.

Sorry you are here and have a nutty OW to boot.

You have her email address...have you done a reverse look up?

I'd expose to family, friends, and the children...blow up WH's affair world. WH is covering his butt and lying. Keep snooping but don't tell WH you are reading emails. Don't waste your money on counseling. There's no point while WH is lying. If WH is still resistant to come clean, I'd tell WH that you plan on consulting an attorney since it's obvious that he is more interesting in protecting OW and his lies than you and his children. Remain as calm as possible. You don't have to throw him out. Let him feel the shame and humiliation his actions deserve.

My OW was very vindictive. Her BH starting getting sort of nutty at one point too. However, due to a number of things including info from FWH I had knowledge of personal info that I knew neither one of them would want aired out to the world so I basically told them I'd unleash the dogs of hell on their asses if they didn't step off. If they wanted to 'play' then bring it. They both shut up quick.

Since OW is sending emails to WH acct not yours I'm not sure how that is seen as harrassment unless WH files a complaint. I don't know your personality but if someone was threating my children even vaguely, I'd be ALL up their [censored]. If you are limited in your knowledge of OW, I'd protect the children from their own father.

I've been following your thread since the first posting, and I'm sorry to say that it appears from all indications to be a PA. In addition, this affair is most likely not a short one. She sounds way too infuriated with him to have only been involved in a short two-month EA. He is trying to hide the full truth from you for one of the reasons ML shared earlier. Hopefully, he is just trying to keep you from finding out the complete and ugly truth; but it doesn't matter what the reason is. You must be told the truth. If he does the telling, there is a greater chance that the marriage can be saved. I went through 5 1/2 weeks of the truth being distorted and then coming out in dribbles. From the onset, however, my FWH was remorseful and dedicated to recovering our marriage. It just took him 5.5 weeks to understand that his past, present, and future had to be absolutely transparent.

I feel your pain and encourage you to keep returning to MB. These people are getting me through some very difficult days.

Buy a cell phone sim card reader from brickhousesecurity.com. It will get into your husband's phone by reading the sim card. You won't need the code. It will read the code. Put a digital voice recorder in his car under his seat. You can also get a trackable cell phone and leave it in his car and you can locate your husband 24/7. Put a weblogger on your computer. There is more to this story and your husband is not going to tell you. He is covering his a$$. Don't say a word. Just be sweet and do your snooping quietly while working plan A. Don't tell him how you find out your info. You will need to continue snooping for awhile. Just do it.

Well, here I am.

1. I ordered the reverse cell phone look up - waiting for the reply from intelius - said it could take 24 - 48 hrs.

2. I know her name, where she works, what she drives.

3. Got into WH cell phone voicemail - she left messages that got increasingly angrier and more weird. She said that he's playing games, he's a liar, and he's not keeping his word. She said she sent a packet of info to me via my work - I lost my job last month so I called the office to see if they got anything and they said no - zilch.

4. The packet she sent to the house contained his pay stub from October - but that's direct deposit to our account and a rental car that he rented for her when this all blew up - her car was in the shop and I was angry at him and everything was falling down around us - he rented it to keep her quiet.

5. Her voicemails indicate that she is black mailing him - the mail box is full and her last voicemail was on 3/11 - lots of threats of coming to our house and letting me know - leaving receipts on my car of what he paid for her, etc.

6. Got a packet today of a bunch of gift cards - none activiated - just a bunch of them. I'm guessing that she's alluding that he gave her gift cards in lieu of money.

7. I wrote her an email - I know I probably shouldn't have but I did - I wrote it very business like and level headedly I think - basic theme was that I don't care what they did - he's my husband and we are going to make this work. I did throw in that whatever he gave her can be returned and or payment can be made in lieu of. What ever they had is over and she needs to get on with her life but if she doesn't we will file papers to keep her away from us. I don't know how to do that though...

8. She didn't respond to that email...

9. Not sure if counseling is going to work right now but I just know that I'm gonna do what it takes to protect my family. Reading SAA and His Needs/Her Needs.

10. Husbands swears up and down it wasn't PA - I've told him I'd accept it if it was - we can get past this - we still have the rest of our lives to get over it - I'm willing to if he is. Whatever level of PA - sex, kissing, etc. I just need to know so that it doesn't come back to bite me on the butt. I finally got back into our cell phone account and went back months - all the cell phone numbers on there are accounted for - they are ones that I know who the people are - I can see where they started calling each other on 1/2 - she called him more and texted him more. I sat with my husband and went over the records - he was very still waiting for my reaction - I had none - just kept it business like.

11. Okay - I just have to say this to vent just a little bit on her: a. In her emails she can't put 2 sentences togethers correctly and with so many spelling errors - that drives me nuts, and b. her voice! Who could stand that voice!!! Well, my husband but still - she speaks with such a pidgin accent - she sounds like a guy (husky) and she thinks she's smart?!@?#$? ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
She keeps saying how she kept such good records about everything - doesn't sound like love to me - sounds like she was using my husband for his money...

:RollieEyes:

My husband feels if we just ignore her she will go away and we should just concentrate on us.

Well, and now I have more info on her I drove by her work place last night - okay maybe that's sounding a little nutsy too but...my brother in law works for the same company and he's a big manager for it - I guess I could make it difficult for her there...

Anyhow, with the kids - oh you bet after I get her address from intelius - I will feel more secure since she knows where we live - I think she drove by our house the other night because her voicemail asked why my husband was parked on the other side of the street.

I'm getting more angry as the days go on and I won't go into idle threats but I can and know how to protect my family -

I've been wanting to update this post just to get things off my chest - it's been a long 10 days since my last post.

First, WS and I are working on us - focus on the future but unfortunately I do have those moments when the bad memories rear their ugly heads and I blast off a few LBs but I'm in control most of the time.

WS has come pretty clean - I have access to all the accounts: bank, CCs, emails, computer, voicemail, cell phone- you name it I'm accessing it.

WS came clean on his relationship with OP - name and when and how long - still swears up and down it wasn't a PA - just an EA because she was easy to talk to. Shared that before I found out she was upping the ante - pressing him for more and he started to back off - she started to black mail him by telling him she would tell me they were sleeping together, blah blah blah - little does she know that I don't think that I would care about that but that's a whole other thread of craziness.

She stopped calling and texting after my email told her to back off - of course it coincided with her cell being turned off. Her last text message to him said to meet her at the bank or else.

Then yesterday I noticed activity on our broadband number - for the computer - all these text messages in and out - I asked my WS and he said he can't find the jack anywhere - he thinks he lost it but he wasn't concerned since our contract was up soon and we were gonna cancel it anyways.

Well, I reported it stolen and today I called the numbers - got two of the people - one was a woman who said she didn't know the person who sent the text and when I told her it was my broadband and that it was stolen she was shocked.

The 2nd person I talked to - a guy - said it was (Name) that sent him the texts - I told him that it was my broadband and that it was stolen - from my husband's truck - oh you should've heard him suck in his breath - I told him - I don't know who you are - her brother, husband, boyfriend or friend and I don't care but just think on this - she took this from my husband - from MY husband...the guy was a little shocked to say the least and asked how I knew her - did I just find out now and I said no - I've known for a while and don't think she'll be contacting you from this number because I shut it down. Ok - maybe my anger was a little misplaced on him but when I told him to THINK about what this person did I just hope he knows that I was warning him to not trust this woman.

And here's the kicker - yesterday when I shut down the broad band and hour later my husband got a call from an unavailable number - he gave me the phone to answer it and when I did the other person - inhaled and hung up right away.

Later that night there were 3 other calls from an unavailable number - only for a minute because his phone is blocked from receiving calls that are not in his contacts. No voicemails yet - I'm thinking that they will be coming. He was home with me when the calls came in so I know that he didn't contact her back.

WS is being honest and I believe that he wants to be with me and with us his family - we have made a pact to be there for each other and protect US and I'm glad that MB was here and the books I ordered SAA and His Needs, Her Needs for Parents have been so useful.

We're no where fixed yet but I think we are on our way.

PS: I know her name, address, phone, work place, vehicle, birthdate, etc.

Dear DWife,
Sounds like the two of you are making progress. What was the state of your marriage before the EA? Are the two of you able to complete the Needs Questionnaire?

SPECTACULAR!!!

Sounds like he picked a real winner for an OW. One of those Fatal Attraction types. It's bad for you guys now but it will sure help him break out of the fog and withdrawal faster.

If she continues to harass you guys, call the police and ask them what is involved in filing a restraining order. I don't know, but they would.

Our marriage of course I thought was fine.

We never fought - no raised voices - I know what that is like my parents were very "passionate" role models - dad was an alcoholic and mom was an enabler if you like labels. They fought hard verbally and my dad raised his hand to her only once - when she came back with a frying pan, pots, and dishes he never did that again - but they did fight which I swore I wouldn't do.

So, H and I don't fight - we have what I call discussions because that's what adults do but I'll admit it I do have an acid tongue when I want to or I let it get away from me and I didn't realize I was that over bearing but I guess I am - I'm just used to being independent and not relying on anyone - but that as I'm learning is LB stuff right?

We've always worked really well together - we do a lot with our sons extra curricular groups from fundraisers to meetings and we've always been a support to one another. We are the perfect couple in the eyes of our peers and family.

What I think happened though is like the book I'm reading - His Needs Her Needs for Parents - we've both been so caught up in other stuff that we weren't nurturing us - as we've been talking and being honest with each other - I told him don't you think I miss that also? We just weren't communicating our needs to each other apparently. But yes now we are.

I have the questionairre and would like him to take it seriously and fill it out - is it too much to ask right now?

So our relationship was fine in that we were doing right by the kids but not right by us. But now we are making US a priority and being good examples to our kids of a loving couple - at least that's what I've gotten so far from the book - we are still a work in progress.

Hope we are on the right track - like I told the OW in my back off email - she may have been the catalyst to set us back on track but she will not be the catalyst to break us up!

Thanks for the question...aloha...

Yes a total WINNER!

I asked him - did you at anytime that you were talking with her and stuff did she ever indicate that she was oh PSYCHO.

He said no (of course).

I'm sure those remarks would fall in to the LB category but sometimes...

Oh and I guess I've been a little stalkish myself but I keep driving by her work place - it's on the way out from where I live so it could be legit - why am I doing it? I keep thinking I'll get up the courage to go in and confront her but oh well - I'm a chicken I guess.

Anyhow, the other day I drove by and I SAW her getting out of her car. She looked upset - slamming stuff - but I saw her and you know the part about them affairing down? Well, I'm not gonna brag but he sure went down a notch or two or three - ok I'll say it four. I came straight home and hit my husband with her description and he said that that sounded like her - I put on my best WTF face and he blurted out, "See you're so much more prettier then her!"

I don't know if that was the right thing for him to say but I'll take it right now - I needed that.