It was July of 2007 when I decided to partially confess to my affairs. My life was falling apart-I was forced to retire from a job I thought I loved, had a harrassment lawsuit against me,had been in muiltiple long term affairs-some of which I carried on at the same time. I have since learned just how angry,abusive,frightened and
lonely a guy I was who nearly (completely) self destructed at the age 53. I was dishonest,lacked integrity and was spinning out of control.Nearly two years ago, I told my wife of over 30 years of my of my disgusting behaviors over a 30 day period-it took me that long as there were so many-as many as 8-12women-and it was for such a long period of time-nearly 12 years. Had I been stronger, I would have told her all at once-but I couldn't;my affairs involved friends from the neighborhood,woman from work and some she did not know. My unraveling as a human being truly began when I started down the adultrous path over a dozen years ago-but it was not until I lost my job(what I thought was my true identity) that I realized how out of contol and selfish a human being I was.
I lived in a world of false perceptions-meaning I thought I was something I was not. I thought I was funny and entertaining and good company and could dole out good advise--I thought I was a good husband ---I thought I was a good father--in reality I was none of the above; I was a man in the express lane of disaster. Over the years my wife pleaded with me to talk, to go to counselling, to share--I half heartily participated--constantly lying to her,to the therapist as well as myself.
You see it was my weak ego that constantly needed massaging. I needed so badly to be liked and admired and to feel special. And when our children came along-my ego went into another hemosphere-still craving her constant acknowlegment but unwilling to share and be loving and giving and selfless....
This was the time that things at home really began to change. My insatiable ego wanted more and more. I did not understand sharing,helping, giving and doing.-Sure I helped with the children at night and in the middle of the night but I was not giving my spouse ant type of love in return. So what happened? She began to react to my "absence" with angry outbursts,disrespectful judgements and verbal abuses-exactly what my frail ego didn't need or want. I incorrectly believed that I had become the victim-the "poor me guy"-unloved and misundestood. I needed to be appreciated,understood-I needed to feel special. I gave nothing!I withdrew and even felt justified in what I was doing.

HOW WRONG I WAS!!

I now know how wrong I lived my life. I lived my life topsy turvey. I now know how cruel I was and how cruel I could be. I realize how I took advantage of my wife,her spirit, her goodness,her youth. I am now a man filled with remorse, shame and embarrassment. These realizations did not just happen.It has been a process that has occurred over the last two years; about 6 months prior to me loosing my job. I had a "Mr.Scrooge" awakening which occured when my father passed away . I started to see how meaningless my life was, how I failed to have proper boundaries in my life,how shallow I really was and how little importance there was in friends, the crowd,and in adulation...... I began(ever too slowly)to see my many,many shortcomings...my anger,selfishness,my abusiveness as a husband and father,my misguided obessions with work and moving up the ladder....and ALL my terrible, negative relationship habits I learned and practised for so many years.
I want my wife back; She has not thrown me out yet, but she has made it clear she wants a completely new me. She's right and should demand no less. After 8 months of feeling bad for me I finally began to work on the man she wants(its been a year), the man she always wanted and deserves. Now my issues are that I make so many "mess ups " along the way.My need for change is severe and bountiful-but change for me is difficult as I must learn to be kind,caring and loving -placing my spouses' needs first. -Her angry outburst ,the judgements of each and every shortcoming I have followed by verbalizations of just what a looser I am has become relentless. In my heart I can feel and understand (at least)some of her pain-afterall, I caused it. I know if I could just once meet her needs -maybe, just maybe she might start to believe that I am working to rid myself of the disgusting man I once was forever! I am now seeking some guidance and advise .My wife is very bright, beautiful,engaging and protective.She is honest,caring loving and is the model of integrity-she is a wonderful mother as well.... I love her very much and words can not adequately decribe how sorry I am. I present this to you with humility and appreciation.

(1) Need for conversation-(a)* purchase a book on the art of conversation then have flowing conversation w/ leading questions asked;
(b) acknowledge feelings by restating those feelings after they are mentioned to me;
(c) research conversation brforehand and be prepared to discuss it each night.

Hello GreenMile: we are here as well. Just checked in. I look forward to meeting you and i will gladly share my e-mail address.