I kicked him out on Wed night. You guys were right--he was still calling her and I found proof after breaking into our verizon account online (he changed the password).

Then he said he was just so confused and still loved me but he was worried he would miss out on something amazing. She could be his soul mate. (Man he wants to be with a woman who:
-explicitly talks to any guy (married or not) who will listen about sex, how she gives blow jobs, how she uses toys and her piercings,
-flirts with anyone in front of her current boyfriend OR girlfriend as well as behind his/her back
-couldn't leave her ex husband completely after he slept with a 15 year old girl, went to court and is now a sex offender because of it. Her reasoning was to try and make it work for their baby girl
-abuses alcohol and drugs
-went through a horrible time being raped by her father while she was in high school
-texted and called a different married man from her work (at all hours--for several months) before she befriended my husband
-couldn't let go of an abusive lesbian girlfriend because she cared about her so much and believes everyone can and should stay friends after breaking up

His logic? She needs help; she is a good person and he can help be a positive influence in her life to show her how she can find a man who will treat her well

SO, he didn't think he can "quit" contacting her--that next to me, she was his best friend. He said he was also afraid that he was going to make the biggest mistake of his life by leaving me. I was calm and just told him that he was choosing-- by not committing to breakig all contact and lying to me, he was choosing her. He was sobbing and bawling his eyes out, wondering why he was so f'd up in the head.

I had sent him 2 email articles from this website explaining how affairs start and that it is an addiction and there is a withdrawal process. I chose an article that quoted the lovers as saying they never met anyone who made them feel this way and that they should have met each other before they met their spouses. The other was a letter from a woman who was 6 months pregnant whose husband was having an emotional affair with a woman from his work.

He read the articles and said some of it sounded familiar, and he just needs to figure stuff out.

We had a marriage counseling appointment scheduled for Tues. I will still go to at least get the counselor's advice on how I should proceed next. I told him he could go IF HE wanted to, not to make me happy.

When I came home yesterday, he had written me a note that pretty much said he was sorry from the bottom of his heart for hurting me and our baby. He was going to spend the next few days figuring things out and he'd let me know about Tuesday. He told me to call or text him any time.

SO of course I won't contact him. I am sad and relieved at the same time because I KNOW his feelings would have returned for me if he truly stopped contacting her. Since he hadn't, there was no chance.

So what do I do now? Anything? Could I make the situation worse? Oh--I am going out of town to be with friends for the next 4 days and told him to stay at the house while I was gone. I also had found a hotel room for him to stay at, and even suggested he contact a friend to confide in. Pretty much trying to be the best PLAN A spouse. While he was talking to me, I didn't break down. I was calm and I told him that I needed to get used to the fact that he is choosing her over me and I need to figure out my life.

I am feeling left out here...will someone please comment??

Why did you kick him out? Plan A is much easier if they're in the home. Most of the time, during Plan A, the WS IS still involved with the OP. Oh, and going to MC is pointless as long as he's in an active affair. Have you thought about calling the Coaching Center here to get some advice?

Chitchat, one thread would help. I remember part of your story from before the boards went down but now I think you've got posts running in 3 or 4 different sections.

This is totally correct. You need to keep him in the house if at all possible for Plan A and then after up to 6 months(if you can stand it that long), go to plan B if the affair hasn't ended. You have to be the attractive alternative. It is way to soon to go to Plan B unless you don't want your husband back. By the way, Plan A is very hard for the BS to do. It is not easy at all to meet his emotional needs while he is having an affair and ignoring you. Now is not the time to go away either if you can avoid it. Take a breath, get your husband back in the house, and work your plan A.

So you are telling me that during Plan A I am supposed to be with him while I KNOW FOR SURE that he is still having the affair?
Background--First discovered on 1/1/09. He promised NC and met my other requests. Kept saying the feelings aren't coming back. I posted on here and was told to check to see if he is still in contact with her; I checked his phone records on 3/17 (when the board was down and I was sooo desperate to do the right thing!!!)and discovered he was still talking to her. We had already made a marriage counseling appt. for 3/24 when I thought he was having NO CONTACT with her. Does this make better sense?

sorry for all the threads--no one was replying to me and I saw them replying to other threads, so I thought it was the wording in the heading. Also was told in the past to switch to General Questions board when I wasn't getting quick replies on the other board.

Sorry to sound so whiny and needy. 6 months pregnant and heart is destroyed.

YES!! Plan A is not the same as Recovery. Plan A helps end the affair. You need to be a choice. You can't do that from a distance. Think about the complaints that he had before the affair. Try to address those needs. Meet his top needs. Dress to impress. Keep the house up. Be the better choice. Even if he says he can't decide. That is better than him being certain that he wants the OW. You have a good shot if you keep him in the house and are prepared to be patient and take the emotional beating that comes with being married to someone that is having an affair. Stop beating him up about the affair until he is ready to end it. HE has to end it. You can't do it for him. EXPOSE to everyone. Exposure is powerful. Know that he is going to lie about everything while in the affair. Stay strong. You can do this and have your husband back.

Women are now advised to only work Plan A for a minimum of 3 weeks. Used to be 3 months. Men...I still think men are pegged at 6 months, though.

Passing on wise words:

Your WH:
Is having an A (either EA or PA or both)
He will lie
He will wonder how much you know
He will want to cake eat as long as possible
He is having needs met by both of you
As long as he is allowed to continue, he will

This is your part:
Time to expose the A to OWH again and any family member or friend that may have influence over him

Read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell him that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive his anger, but it cannot survive if he remains a WS.

Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.

Your WH will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. He is trying to justify his actions to himself. He is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OW. She could be anyone.

He has weaknesses that he did not protect. It is a slippery slope.

Keep coming here. Read, read, read.

We are all whiny and needy. I am so sorry that you are here. Have you tried telling your husband that you need his help around the house? That might be a good excuse to get him back in the house. I know your heart feels destroyed. This is the worst thing that could have happened to you and the timing is horrible. It is not fair that we have to take the lead after what the pain that the WS causes. But, we do. It is not fair. It sucks!

That's okay, it takes awhile to get the hang of things sometimes.

Another thing about Plan A is NO EXPECTATIONS and NO RELATIONSHIP talk. In other words, you cannot educate a WS about what is moral, right OR wrong. There is a purpose to this Plan and it will feel counterintuitive (like you shouldn't be doing this).

You're getting some good advice... read it CAREFULLY and implement.

I was seriously trying to do Plan A from 1/5/09 until 3/17/09. That is a little more than 2 months (9 weeks I think). I am waiting for the book "Surving An Affair" to arrive.

What are you supposed to do when you find out they are still in contact with the OW during Plan A?

Currently, I am 25 weeks pregnant. Am trying to dress nice and look good but if you have been pregnant, the fat belly and butt and double chin makes it kind of hard. That is another reason why I feel so stuck. I am meeting 3/5 of his top ENs right now. The 2 I am not meeting: attractive spouse and SF. He says he finds me attractive but is not attracted to me and therefore does not have any sexual desire.

I am letting him stay at the house while I am visiting my friends. I realize that this is risky but it is me saying NO MORE LYING. THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. NO MORE CHEATING. I DESERVE MORE. Without me screaming and yelling at him and insulting him. Seriously, I did say how surprised I was that he couldn't cut off contact for more than ONE WEEK. BUt I think that was the only insult I gave.I was sooo calm and actually very nice and helpful during the talk I had with him the night he left.

The other reason why I am separating from him is because he is stringing me along to make me think that he is trying to work on our relationship; the phone records indicated that he was still talking to her every week day during his efforts to do the questionnaires with me and give me affection. But he keeps telling me how his attraction feelings are not returning and he is afraid they never will. SO it sounds kind of pointless to keep trying to convince him how great I am and how fabulous our marriage could be when he is just not even seeing it.

We were planning on seeing this marriage counselor that we both chose and I don't want to waste the effort if we are going to him while he is still contacting her and is in love with her. I have read many other BS say DONT WASTE YOUR MONEY until the spouse has ENDED the affair.

Dancing Machine, thanks--I really was doing Plan A except exposure--the OW has divorced her H. He actually knew about it before me and was threatening my WH via texts on New Year's Eve. That's one of the ways that I found out about the EA (supposedly EA only).

I did tell him to stay at the house while I was gone to work on the tiling. (We are remodeling to refinance our house for a lower mortgage payment).

Again, I hope I didn't screw things up too badly but I promise that I have been the best little loving, sweet stepford wife that I could be during this time and my friends thought I was crazy!

He also ignored my requests to please stop talking to her about her relationship problems LAST year when he admitted to having caring feelings, like for a friend. I warned him that it could lead to more and he said "no, I love you way too much! I would never want to leave you." Then he agreed and a couple of weeks later admitted to giving her advice. I didn't know what to do so I just expressed my disappointment and then let it go.

I had tried befriending her last summer and she would text both me and WH--open texts about little stuff. But after I got pregnant, I started to feel uncomfortable about it and asked him to please stop. He said "don't you trust me? I love you! WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME?" and was angry. I didn't know what to do so I let it go.

SO YOU SEE NOW I am putting my foot down without chastising him or putting HIM down. Still, I want to do the right thing so I will take your advice.
No, I haven't exposed him yet. I figured I would do it if we became separated (past this next Tuesday). I need to get his work friend's emails or phone numbers to do it and they are on his phone, so I don't have access to it right now.

You keep on doing Plan A.

Heck, I was dubbed a "Stepford Wife" by WH and OW. Well, whatEVAH!!! I was working on myself and trying to improve in all areas.

I just gritted my teeth and kept on doing Plan A. (And really, I HAD to or I would have blown my cover...they didn't know they were being monitored, LOL!)

As far as therapy...it might help YOU. Him? Probably not.

Unless he is going to "let you down easily" and to assuage his guilt.

That is why I refused MC with him.

You might try IC on your own, though.

Ultimately, it's your call.

Charlotte

You're welcome. You know for sure that he has divorced her? Did he tell you or did "they" tell you? (about the divorce)


That's good, that very likely meets a need for him. I like to call it the "Tim Allen" need.


LOL!! Yeah, BTDT, I KNOW what you mean!! And no, I don't think you've screwed things up. Keep "killing with kindness" even when you think it's going to kill YOU!! This place helps for that...you can come vent here.


Yeah, he was gaslighting you. I HATE THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! Drive me absolutely nuts!!!

Expose to everybody. Family, friends, the postman (okay, you don't have to expose to the postman or woman unless they are a good friend.)

Keep coming here and reading and posting...LOADS of good people and support here!!!

We're here for you!!

Charlotte

Thanks but now what? I haven't talked to him since 3/18. I am at my girlfriend's house.
Yesterday was my birthday and I came home to find a note from him telling me he is so sorry from the bottom of his heart. He was going to do a lot of thinking over the next few days and let me know about Tuesday (going to the appointment).
I am still going to the appointment with or without him.I was planning to talk to him after the Tuesday appointment.

Do I contact him at this point or just wait until Tuesday?

Oh yeah, forget to mention that on 3/17 I sent the OW a text that said
"I know you are still in contact with H. My heart is broken. Our baby's health and future family are at stake. I beg you to do the right thing. Please stop this."

I forwarded it to WH to let him know that I did this. WH said she texted him the next morning letting him know that I sent it to her. Hope that is some kind of exposure...

I would wait. Let him wonder what you are doing.