Hi, RooGirl. You're getting great advice from MindShare, Mark, ZW, Lildoggie, and many others. I hope it's okay that I'm borrowing some of it for myself.

Something that I want to re-iterate here that was given to me on my post and that I've since shared with others is how important it is to feel needed in a relationship. I'm reading the things you're doing and it's great the effort and self-discovery that you're putting into this. It's hard as heck, huh. But I wonder if among the random texts and emails that you're sending, if you couldn't maybe ask for help from your H that only he can provide you. Show him not only that you're thinking of him, which is important, but also that you need him. Maybe it's simple like asking him if he can fix something in your apartment or help with your car. Seek his advice on how to handle a situation with a co-worker or a family member. Can he recommend a dentist? Does he make the best speghetti sauce that you've ever tasted and can he share it with you? And would he consider making it with you to show you his special touches?

Do things for your H to show you care, but let him see that you need him too. This will help him see how he's different and special -- because you seek him out when you need help, not others and certainly not the OM.

I became so independent, that it turns out I didn't need my H for anything, or so I thought. And you know what? He sensed that. So he didn't offer me help and often wasn't there for me. We grew apart. I saw it as him not caring for me, he saw it as me not wanting or needing him in my life. These are not the makings for a healthy relationship.

With encouragement from MB folks, I've let my guard down. I've allowed my vulnerabilies to show to my H, and I've asked him for help. I've shown my appreciation for the little things and the big things so he knows I notice what he does for our family and me. I'm not being whimpy or defenseless for I am a grown woman and a mother, but I am now humble, completely honest, and much more open to him with my fears, desires, and needs. And his responses have been positive. I trust my H now like I haven't in years.

It's tough doing Plan A when you're the one who cheated as you're dealing with the huge disadvantage that you do not have your H's trust at this time. I'm having to do the same. And it's probably even tougher since you two are not living together. But it can be done. There are FWSs who have done it and if you work hard at it, get creative, work on yourself, and remain honest, I believe you can do so too.

My good wishes continue your way.

Hey there,

I agree that this is really really important. This is the most special part of the relationship and something that can be tricky to do. When I do this my M works.

Really try to work this in RooGirl

ST

I can't begin to tell you how independent he and I have been and continue to be. We truly went into our marriage thinking we could (and SHOULD!) remain individuals. ZenWolf wrote to me the other day that if you want to be an individual, FINE. GO. Be and INDIVIDUAL. If you want a marriage, FIGHT FOR IT. I don't know what I want. And neither does he.



I certainly know what you're saying. It's hard. I was a latch-key kid at the age of 5. My sister would pick me up at my kindergarten classroom and we'd be at home, alone, until Mom got home from work. That was my life until 18 when I move out and went to college. I have NEVER had to rely on anyone. Ever. Ever, ever. How does a person even start this? How does this begin?


My H and I didn't ever need each other. It's not a matter of losing it. It's a matter of not having it to begin with.


I am so So, SO happy that you've found this for yourself, your H and your marriage. Really, L4. I am. It may not be a possibility for me.


Love to you, my friend.

Thank you for stopping by, ST. I know life's not easy for you right now and I appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on my thread and to offer your support. <<hug>>

I saw my H tonight. I had to go to his house to get our income tax information for my financial aid. We had a drink and I asked if he wanted to go for dinner. He said yes. We went to a hole-in-the-wall place for a burger (me) and chicken (him) and a couple of beers. While there he got a phone call. His voice LIT UP when he answered. He spoke for just a minute, maybe not even. He told the person he was with RooGirl7 and then said no, no, no several times and seemingly made plans for some time in the future. When he hung up he saw in my face ( I didn't say a word) that something upset me. He told me it was his partner (work). Whatever. I can't control him. We finished our meal and drinks, paid and left.

At the house we got to talking. He doesn't want me to need him. He told me that he'd read some of this site and that he doesn't agree with it. I had sent him the ENQ and told him no rush, look at it if you want. It's in your mailbox if you decide to check it out. What he said today is that his ENs depend on the time. If he's feeling frisky then SF is is his top need. If the house is a mess then DS is his top need. It's so odd and yet NOT. This is him. Laid-back. Passive. A caboose, not an engine.

My hope is next to nill. No, it's on top of nill. It's still independednt OF nill but it's wiggling up against it an awful lot.

I love this man. I think he's an amazing friend and, for the rihgt woman, could be a wonderful H. It's just that I'm not sure we're wonderful for each other.

Ok, so you think he has an OW. So, you know what it's like to be in his position in an A and if you want him you know what you need to continue to do.

You can't LB him in anyway. Just continue as you are doing. The signs are so positive - he did go to get some grub with you. You continue with your MB plan - it will give you confidence and direction.

My H isn't an MB fan, we just have to do it, act on it and not talk about it. You know your man and you know what his needs are to some extent.

There is definitely hope there RooGirl

PS, thank you for the hug - much needed and appreciated

At this point I don't think this "partner" is anything but a friend. Really, truly. I suppose it could be but right now I don't think so.

I do think that there is hope. Gotta work to keep a positive attitude.

Rough night I'm having.

I'm lonely. It's palpable, the feeling of isolation and of not being cared for and loved. I called my sister just now and she's having family night for the first time in six weeks. (her H left home 2/16 and they're trying to work things out...no A as far as we are aware) Her voice was full of joy for her situation, h and 3 kids all piled on the couch watching a movie. Here I am, half a continent away sitting ALONE on my couch, drinking a beer and wishing I could just disappear.

Somewhere in my brain I feel that my H and I wont make it through this. He is not the type of man who is in touch with his emotions, other than happy ones. I feel like when I call to get together he is simply tolerating me. That he doesn't care one way or the other. Thing is, I've felt that way our entire relationship. He could take me or leave me, it made no real difference to him.

Ugh. Just a low, low night in general.

You'll be okay. You can do this, RG. I'm so sorry you're having a rough night.

Have any ice cream in the fridge to make a really decadent sundae?
Like solitare?
Is there a Blockbuster nearby?
When was the last time you wrote a real letter to a friend?
Do your kitchen chairs need painting or re-upholstering that you could plan out tonight and do tomorrow?
Any online shopping you need done?
How about vacuuming?
How do your closets look?
What about calling a former neighbor or aunt whom you haven't spoken to in awhile?
Find a few ingrediants in your cupboards and google them to see what recipes you might try with them.
Sketch your dream home.
Watch stupid reality TV or the Discovery Channel.
Count your blessings.

Distract and remember that you're better than ever settling for an affair. You need to respect your M so you can respect yourself. And your M deserves effort.

You can do this, RG. You may feel alone but you're not. I'm sending my good ju-ju your way.

That feeling of not being cared for is exactly the thing that is taken from the BS. You can't even imagine what it's like to have it gone in an instant.

It's also the same as being needed and needing someone. Sounds like you need someone. In Plan A, the BS is advised to just hang on as long as they possibly can, til they have little left to give. If you want your marriage, that's your goal. Once you've given it your all, there's no more to give and you can move on.

That feeling of lonliness doesn't get filled in a healthy way by just having SOMEONE in your life. It gets filled by having a healthy relationship with a strong and upright YOU. Work on you.

are you having a better day today Roo?

Hey there RG!!

Just got caught up. I'm disappointed to here that H is still so withdrawn. However, following your story it really is becoming more and more clear that he has always been this way. Either that, or you aren't remembering things the way that they once were. If what you have described in your posts is the way your M has always been - two individuals living under the same roof yet living separate lives then I'm not really sure that you can or should go back to that. I'm not saying to throw in the towel, but you clearly need more from a marriage and you deserve to have more. You did a very terrible thing to your H but sooner or later he needs to 'get back in the game' or 'fold'. I still think you should go 'all in' and make a serious run at it. Let him know what you want and feel. Describe to him what a beautiful relationship could look like. Let him know you are willing to put in the work if he is as well. If he continues to string you along much longer without a single sign that he might want to try to save the marriage then you may just have to do what is best for you.

In the meantime, keep up the good work you are doing on understanding yourself. You need to go through this process. If your H is really as you have described (completely emotionally withdrawn) then you need to understand how/why you married him and stayed with him for so long when you clearly need more. If you don't figure this out about yourself then you are likely to have similar problems in future relationships.

Hang in there RG!! Be strong! And above all, keep up the NC. Regardless of how things work out with your H the last thing you need to do is go back to that dead-end relationship.

Mindshare

Hey Roo

Shame our time difference is so skewed, we could entertain each other throught those lonely miserable hours.

Can't even work out what it is. Right it is 18.45 here so I reckon it's about 2am there. Am I way off?

So did you have a good day today?

Just been back over your thread.

It is all very positive. Just get back living with him. You have so much to give, you seem so keen.


Keep doing all those good things, keep letting him know all the good things. Look forward, don't look at where you were before. Try and plan a few little things together. I don't get the impression that he's annoyed at all with you making contact. Keep looking at you and reflect all the positivity onto him.

I have a picture of your H, just being quite down and really needing someone to guide him. He needs some motivation, a push. Is he depressed?

(bolding mine)

Exactly, L4. EGG-ZACT-LY. I ended up taking a bath and getting into my jammies to read then getting a phone call from two of my closest girlfriends so I ended up with them. It was a nice night.

Thanks so much for your continuing support...

You're right, Zen. When I get low like that I need to remember how my H must be feeling, even if he isn't in touch with it.


Again, totally true. Thank you.


Yes, I need to remember this. I should hang Post-Its around my apartment or something. Why can't I get this through my thick skull??

thats why we keep reading and hanging around here, to help reinforce it in us.

I keep working through this. Is this really the man I married? He TELLS me he hasn't changed a bit, that it's me who is not who I was when we married. Well..that's probably right. Gosh, as humans can we expect to stay completely static our entire lives? I believe that every person we take into our "fold" helps shape who we are. He claims he believes that but then says the opposite in that he hasn't changed. :big sigh:


Absolutely. I agree 100%.


I appreciate you checking in Mindshare. I hope you had a good time on your vacation!

Had an IC appointment yesterday and along with my counselor I came to the conclusion that I have to give my H space and learn more patience. So... I called him tonight and left a voicemail that I feel tolerated when I call him/text him/ask to see him. I said that I know this is his weekend off (F, S, S) and that I'd like to see him but that it's up to him. If he doesn't want to see me then I'll make other plans.

It's all a waiting game.

In other news, a woman I don't work closely with AT ALL asked me today if I'm losing weight. Um, yeah. I'm down nearly 20 lbs. She told me that I look great - I didn't know I looked that bad to begin with. I used to be 129 lbs at 5'3" which I didn't think was heavy but she's not the only one who's noticed. Since the beginning of the year my boss has taken me out to lunch because if people aren't watching, I don't eat. I don't get hungry. I don't know how I feel about it.