hey chitchat,

The site went down at a really bad time for you, I'm sorry that you probably felt stranded. It's okay though, it can be repaired.

Yes, call him and ask him to come back to the house, remind him that it is yours, his and baby's home. It is where he belongs.

You need to go back home too.

You need to expose now, this has been suggested a few times before to you, it will do more good than what you realize.
Be prepared for WH to throw a gasket, this is par for the course. If he says hurtful things .... ignore it like the plague!
He will feel humiliated and be really pissed, but you tell him it is only the truth and why should he be ashamed of the truth.

Where are your families?

I think you're supposed to take the high road and not have any contact with the OW. A friend once told me "it's not about her anyway, it's about the two of you", which puts the OW's (lack of) importance in perspective.

Hi dancing,

Shouldn't she be doing Plan A if she feels able??
I'm not debating, just clarifying.

Isn't he already at home fixing the floor?

She's at a friend's house.

I'm not saying forever, just to wait until Tuesday and let him wonder for a bit. Won't kill him. Might even help.

He's supposed to be "thinking about it" in regards to the appointment anyway, no?

Charlotte

For all we know he will be doing the OW at her house and not the tiling. I would say go home now and get your husband back in his house. Don't make it easy for him to cheat. My WS told me that he wasn't attracted to me either and he was having sf with me every night. They say crazy things. Try not to take it personally. The affair makes them really stupid.

I believe he is only at the house while chitchat is away at GF's. I think she mentioned she kicked him to motel.

If they are separated until Tuesday/Wednesday, he could get together with OW between now and then.???

Chitchat, is there someone who could stay with him, a buddy to help him out with the tiling??? You know keep a tab on him!!

update: I did not expect this, but I got an email from him that said (paraphrased) that he wanted to go to counseling and get his head figured out; that he is so sorry to put me through this and that he doesn't deserve forgiveness. He misses me and hasn't been this lonely or empty in years...

I decided to respond because I wanted to make some love deposits as well as throw a bone back to him. So I said I was glad he wanted to do the counseling but shouldn't do it unless he was doing it to save the relationship. I also said (paraphrased) that I knew he was a good person who was just in crisis mode and we could get through this if we both worked hard. We could have a very happy future in the long run.

Plan A confused me--I only followed it based on the article from the website because I didn't purchase the book. But the email was not too gushy with forgiveness nor too harsh with judgmental statements and martyr phrases...

So I will stay at my girlfriend's house until Tuesday. Just so he can miss me some more.

chitchat,
WH says he is lonely, empty, misses you ... if you are not at home for him, what is stopping him from seeing/calling OW for comfort ???? If it is only EA now, it could very easily go PA!!! This will only intensify his feelings and make this whole nasty thing that much worse.

I understand what you are saying about you wanting him to miss you, but ..... this will backfire, use this to your advantage for now.

Are you not up to going back home???

It sounds to me like you are on the right path.

One thing I would suggest is NOT to have SF with him. The OW sounds like a nasty ho, and you don't want to get any cooties from her. And I hope you have confided in your doc and have been tested for all STDs.

The other thing that comes to mind is that your husband is still working with the OW. As long as he is, he WON'T feel attracted to you. That is just the way it is. I know the economy is bad and baby is coming, but keep that in mind.

You need to do a great Plan A for a couple of months, and then go to a dark Plan B. It seems like you have been doing a fairly good one. But one side of Plan A is exposure, which includes exposing to their HR at work, his parents and yours, and any friends.

Plan A is easier to do when you are living together, if you think you can stick with it. But beware that if you do Plan A too long, you may lose your love for him. Plan B is to protect that love.

In the meantime, try to take excellent care of yourself, go out and have fun with female friends, and make a good life for YOU.

I have cut and copied his exact words from the email he sent me. Now, I KNOW not to get excited and to be very distrusting of my WH. Also, if he goes to her and it's over then it's over. Whatever. he'll be back or I will move on.

HIS EMAIL:
It has been so hard for me to be in this house the last couple days. Feels like it is not home anymore and I don't like that, but I know it is my fault. YOu probably feel similiar and I do apologize for my behavior and making you feel this way.

I do want to go to the counseling appointment on Tuesday with you if you are still ok with that. I have been thinking about things a lot these couple days. I have to figure out why I can't just ignore my heart and emotions and make the decision I know is right in my brain. I know this might be something I have to do on my own, but maybe this guy can give me some insight. I know it doesn't mean much and I did it to myself, but I haven't felt so lost and lonely in years as I have the last couple days.

I don't expect or deserve any forgiveness or sympathy from you, and I know you don't want to hear from me right now so I won't contact you again this weekend, but would you at least just email me or text me when you get to 's house just so I know you made it safe.

MY REPLY:


Yes, I want you to go to the counseling appointment but only if you are doing it out of your desire to rebuild our relationship. I am glad to hear that you want to go to the appointment and that you are feeling lost and lonely the last couple of days. The reason why I say that is not to be cruel, it gives me hope that you will choose me and our marriage and our family. I know that it will be a lot of work at first for you and me to do it but in the long run it will pay off. We have already built a history together and I really want us to have a future with good times and renewed passion after we get past this terrible ugliness.

I believe that you are still a very good person who is strong, compassionate and giving but is in a crisis mode right now and making destructive choices. I truly meant it when I promised I would be your life long best friend and wife who gives you unconditional love, in sickness and in health, as long as it is mutual.
__________________________
See, I didn't DEMAND him to make a choice and gave an ultimatum right now or else I won't come home but I don't know what to request exactly on Tuesday.

oh, sorry about not replying regarding exposure. Yes, I know it needs to happen.

chitchat, Plan A for women is only supposed to be 3-4 WEEKS and then Plan B is warranted if the affair does not end.

Did I see somewhere you mentioned this is not his first affair?

ok, I think I understand the situation now. The reason you have not been able to recover is because he continues to work with the OW. His feelings will not come back until and unless he leaves that job.

Have you exposed the affair at work? What about to his family, your family and your close friends? Has the affair been exposed?

I also think you should go home. You are causing more damage by being gone because the core of the problem is that he is DETACHED from you. Not being home only CONTRIBUTES to that situation and enables him to carry on his affair in PEACE.

The KEY here has to be that he leaves the job. All the counseling in the world will not compensate for that. Your H is addicted to the OW and the only way to cure that is ABSTINENCE. The alcoholic cannot sober up until he STOPS DRINKING.

Exposure may help you get him out of there.

But first, GO HOME NOW. You can't fix a marriage if you aren't there.

No he has not had an affair before. You know, at least to my knowledge. He just fessed up on 1/1/09 and told me he would cut it off, did counseling, etc. (see my posts) but I caught him still talking to her when I checked 3/17.

Yes, exposure. But it is Saturday and I don't have the information I need to do all of the above.
THANK YOU!!

SO you don't think the email he sent me means anything?

Wait,need to clarify--I CAUGHT HIM and forced him to an ultimatum on 1/1/09--that day. I did not know about MB at that time and during the course of the weeks following learned a lot more.

chit chat, to WHOM did you expose the affair?

CC, can you explain? What information do you need to expose? Who are good exposure targets in your situation?

And his email means nothing. As long as he is in contact with the OW at work everyday, he is the equivalent of a falling down drunk. That is why nothing is going to happen until contact ENDS. Even counseling is worthless.

At this time, The only people he knows that know are my closest friends and a co-worker of mine. He has become friends with my friends and their husbands. The OW knows that I know, too.

I have a question about exposing--if he takes the actions that include writing and sending the letter expressing NO contact,
gets the job transfer, full transparency, and devotes himself to recovery with me, then is it still necessary to expose to his work?
I mean he will be in a different location and gone from her!

So you asked what I need to expose--I need phone numbers. I don't have any on me at this time. Exposure targets include his immediate boss, his sister, and his dad.

His immediate boss already acknowledged the OW's inappropriate and unprofessional behavior with another married man at work (acknowledged meaning she talked to her about it--I heard all about it) and has likely observed it with my WH but hasn't told me about it.

I think she (his boss) is the smartest person to contact out of the huge department where he works; she and her husband have been friends with us, too. She admires and respects my WH and he has a very important role at work. So, she wouldn't fire him, but would be able to help him find alternative job locations rather quickly as well as hold him accountable. That's the point, right?

His sister's ex husband left her for another woman, he demanded a divorce, and 2 years of HELL later came crawling back to her and the kids. She can't seem to forgive him. She will be fuming mad at my WH.

His dad was cheated on by his mom; she left him for the neighbor and married the OM but divorced him 14 years later. He is kind of close to his dad....not super, but good enough.

I know people keep telling me to go home but I will not return until Tuesday. I am doing a modified PLAN B part 1. I know I am taking a risk because he can be going to her right now, but I really don't have any control over what he wants to do if he wants to do it. If I am at home,it makes it harder to go to her but he was able to do a lot right under my nose. He went out of town on business trip last week--how do I know that she wasn't with him? How do I know if he stopped by her place before he left?

I really believe from the bottom of my heart and gut (which has been right this WHOLE TIME and I will listen to it from now on) that he needs to experience distance from me as a result of his indecision to choose me or her. The distance is a consequence as well as a taste of what life is like without me; and I did a great job being the good little supportive (yet gullible doormat wife) this whole time...since November really, when he started expressing lack of passion and feelings for me (Yeah, I was 8 weeks pregnant at that time with our planned baby...jerk!!)

If he doesn't want to commit to me on Tuesday at the appointment, then I'm ready to expose his work and then go for a full no contact Plan B part 2 (DARK) until the baby is born at the end of June.

I can be pregnant alone, but I won't raise the baby alone--he will have to be a part of it unfortunately since it is a top priority for my child to have both a mother and father if they are available.

So come on,I am not way off now, am I??? I see that there is no black and white Plan A or Plan B from reading so many other's threads on here.

By the way,I am reserving my judgmental comments about him and the negativity for venting on this board...I will not act that way to him when I press for him to cut off contact and commit to me and our baby.