How do you know when the fog has lifted and the withdrawal is over?
Do they ever really understand the magnitude of what they have said?

My wife had a 4 month affair - seems to have a pretty significant emotional attachment.

She used to be so religious, now she avoids the subject - and says God would understand if we divorce. Used to be so concerned about our kids, now she thinks divorce would be fine.

My wife still says things like:
- I'm not in love with you, never have been, not even when we got married, we got married out of lust
-the other person made an emotional connection with me that we could never have
-if we divorce, our kids will be just fine and we'll be best friends

She also says she doesn't want to divorce now and that we should work on our friendship, but believes divorce is looming soon.

She said she'd stay for the kids but isn't interested in working on the marriage.

It sounds like she is still in contact with the other person. Did she agree to end contact?

They tried to end it before I found out. Once I did find out, he got scared and ended it with her. It's only been a few weeks. They did run into each other at the gym last week.
She does obsessive things like check his wifes myspace account and look at internet articles about him. I noticed she called his work for 1 second, presumably to hear his voice.

Does the OM's wife know about the affair?

She knows that he has an emotional attachment to her and they are in counseling. However, she doesn't know everything that I do.

She will start withdrawal when contact really ends. Contact has not ended. She still goes to the same gym and still calls him.

It would help if you let people here know what you has been done so far. Has there been exposure... a no contact letter... have you read "Surviving an Affair" or the articles here? A little more background will help others help you.

So what is your plan? Were you agreeable to this condition?

Married 11 years. 2 boys 5,7
She told me she wanted a divorce in Jan.
I found out about other person in Feb.
The affair started in Oct.
He called her and ended it saying no more contact.
No exposure yet.
She is claiming she wanted a divorce prior to affair.
I've read all the books.
Trying to be the best guy possible
She is in withdrawal with me, but we do talk pretty openly
She mopes around a lot, cries

I want it to work.
Hoping that if she stays, even for kids, that buys me time for her to get through her withdrawal and see changes in me. Maybe let me meet her needs.

She's very foggy. Anytime she sees him or talks to him, she will go back to square one. That's why NC is sooo important. She can only withdraw from OM if she never ever is in contact again. Running into him at the gym is a big problem. She should not go ANYWHERE that he is likely to be. She needs to quit the gym. Join another one. Does she work with him? If so, she needs to find another job. NC means NC and it is critical.

Her withdrawal will last several months after NC is intact. Plan A her during that time when you can. I know it is very difficult to do at this point, but try.


Yes she's addicted to the feelings that she got in the A. She's trying to get a fix. It is pathetic but it is what it is. Try to meet the needs that OM was meeting. Figure them out. Eliminate love busters(learn about them on this site, read the articles and concepts).

This is going to take a lot of time and it's going to be very difficult for you. But you two can get through this.

Read everything on this site. Get Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters. Read them. If you can, call the Harleys (owners of this site). They do phone counseling.

Others here have gone through their S's withdrawal. You could start a new thread asking for suggestions about getting through it and link this thread to it. Normally you could just edit the title of the thread but they just did a forum redo and everything is not working right.

Is your WW remorseful? Is she really committed?

She is not committed to our marriage.

ok, this explains your problem, airhawk. See, affairs thrive on secrecy and by helping her keep her secret, you are keeping the affair alive. She believes there is still hope because his wife DOES NOT KNOW.

Exposure is your absolute most potent weapon. The OM is not going to leave his wife over an affair and if the OM's wife knows, your wife will GIVE UP because she knows the OMW is watching and the affair is hopeless.

Does the OM work at the gym? If so, I would expose to the gym also. But the first thing you should do to save your marriage and get your wife to give up hope is to TELL THE OM'S WIFE.

Go to their house, or pick up the phone and call her today. Don't tell your wife beforehand. But see if the OM will call and tell her.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs, airhawk. You need to fire your biggest gun if you want to save your marriage.

But how can she withdraw if she still goes to the gym and sees the OM?

Sorry cross posted. So you've read all the books.

Have you tried to just have a little fun with her? Do some things that you used to do?

The OM's wife knows about her and calls it an affair - she just doesn't know all the details that I do. She thinks its an EA and she is snooping quite a bit.

When did she file the papers?

When did she ask for the divorce? prior to the affair?

How do you know she knows? Who told you?

she didn't tell me she wanted a divorce until after the affair, but said that she was thinking about it prior because of our marital difficulties. No papers have been filed. I suggested we end it now and she didn't want to do it because it would get ugly. She wanted to focus on our being friends for a while, but didn't want to work on our relationship as husband and wife because she isn't in love with me anymore.

What does this mean? Was the affair physical? OMW deserves the truth about her life...

Mrs. W