What a train wreck here... Two years ago I found love notes in my wifes clothes and drawers, etc. Confronted her, she denied. In a matter of days she said YES, I've been having lunch with the OM for about 8 months... a co worker of course. I was destroyed even though I absolutely believed sex was not involved and "bought" her story that it was HIM pursuing her and not "mutual". After about 9 months of Prozac and sleeping pills and panic attacks and things getting better, all the while trying to adhere to Plan A... and using the materials from this sigh, bought his needs/her needs, etc. shared with her and so on... well I didn't see "results" in her... it was better for a while but I lost faith, became synical and cynical. I closed up and just thought, this is how it will be for a while. I did believe it was over, even though they still worked together... During the last two years, I've become dinstant and started chatting... I have now myself had a brief affair with a woman I met online, met in REAL life too... I stopped it though as it just wasn't right for me... the sex was great but otherwise too much risk for me... then BOOM, my wife admits this past saturday she's been having a Full LOVE affair with this man from the very start and only slowed down a bit when I discovered it two years ago. She was biding her time until the kids were grown. She's now ready to leave us, two boys 15 and 18, want nothing from me or our posessions, just an amicable divorce. Bottom line is I feel such a fool for believing her, I read all this two years ago and knew better, my GUT knew all along about the whole thing too, that's what drove me "out" lurking. So, I botched Plan A with too much anger, and TAKER two years ago and now am wondering to I just let her go with Plan B... or... she might stay awhile with the kids here bcause HIS ex wife is staying with him since she's down on her luck OMG... If she stays a while, should I recommit to Plan A or has this gotten SO FAR ALONG my chances have slipped away... It hurts so bad, but I am much stronger this time and wiser too.

Texasman, first of all I feel for you in your pain right now, however I must say she did not drive you to another woman. I don't believe any of us drive our spouses into cheating. You have a choice, stay with both feet planted or move on. You chose to be with someone else because of a selfish need to be wanted. If your wife isn't willing to put forth the effort to make it work, then it is time to move on. The problem has doubled now that you have cheated also. Does she know about your cheating? The best advice I have for you is to put it all on the table the whole truth from you both. Then see what happens. Good luck

You're absolutely right, it was a selfish need to feel loved, I admit that for sure... but I highly doubt it would have come to that if MY needs were being met... but alas, I'm guilty and take the fall making that choice... Yes I came clean with my wife too. All the marbles are on the table but she wants to move out and be with him.

I just have one question for you TexasMan and gladimadeit...More for gladimadeit. Why is it a selfish need to be wanted and loved? Everyone has that need. Kids have it, parents have it, co-workers etc. I have a need to be love not only by my H but also by daughter, parents (to an extint), grandparents. I feel that if I'm not wanted someone where then I souldn't be there. If I wasn't wanted or loved in my marriage then would I still be trying to work things out with my H? My H has a need to be loved and wanted as well as I do. We do the best we can to fill those needs. Needing to be loved and wanted is almost as important as food and water is to our survival don't you think? <P>Just my thought is all

Jumping in here - I think she just meant that going elsewhere to get that need met is selfish. If he would've looked to his wife instead of someone else, it is not selfish to want to be wanted/loved/etc.

Good points all... and it's not right for me to have searched and filled that need in the way I did... Of course it is / was impossible to turn to my wife to fill that need as she's been having her affair for almost 3 years now... I'm just curious what all think about just separating... she says she need to "know" if her love for him is real or if she stays in this house a while, should I continue to use the steps in PLAN A, guess that can't hurt huh?

I might have misunderstood. I'm sorry. <p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited August 18, 1999).]

Hopeful... you did fine... my opening topic was so long it's very hard to "get it all"... I am very thankful for these quick replies to my questions and any and all thoughts... My point is that I had a chance to use Plan A two years ago and blew it... perhaps beyond the point of no return... I feel to bad about that, I let her and "US" slip through my fingers when I had a much better chance and now Mt Everest stares me in the face

TexasMan,<P>If you want your marriage, you've got to strap on those climbing boots, and get to work. <P>I'd suggest that you do counseling with Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders (via phone). It seems to me that Plan A is still in the cards for you, especially if she's close to leaving. If the affair is going to end, it'll probably end after they shack up together for a while. You want to send her to the OM with only good thoughts about what a kind, loving husband she's leaving behind.

K, K (as in ok, k)<P>A little levity here isn't all bad. Seriously K, it's nice to hear that, kind of my assumption, I think there's zero chance she will NOT shack up with him a while. Has anyone discussed telling your spouse you've talked to a lawyer.. or is that absolute sin in terms of good will of Plan A

TexasMan,<P>To be honest, it may be a good thing for her to shack up with him. It's easier for the fantasy to evaporate when they're living together 24/7.<P>Talking to a lawyer isn't the most loving gesture on the planet, but it's probably getting close to that time for you. I'd talk to one who can support you in whatever you want to do (like protect your assets and children, but delay divorce). Let her know honestly, but do it without lovebusters. She's going to take it as a lovebuster, but let's just say that she's lacking a little perspective here.<P>Let her know that you don't want a divorce. That you want to work on reconciliation, but that it's really not going to work until the OM is completely out of her life. <P>I did plan A with no lawyer, and plan B with a minimum of legal representation (although I had a damn good lawyer). Until she initiates the filing, I wouldn't worry to much.

Tex, don't beat yourself up for being gulible. Each of us betrayed were betrayed by the person who knows us the best and took advantage of their ability to fool us.<BR>Not gulible; trusting.<P>One plan I would recommend would be to tell her " O.K., We can get divorced. But before we do, lets go to marriage counselling to ensure that is what we both want and also give us some ideas on how to deal with the children on this." <P>She'll be reluctant, but if it looks like you're closing out the marraige, she would more likely go. THen in the process, while discussing differences, she may see the light. <P>If she is as dedicated to disposing of this marriage as she claims, it will help you in the process of putting it behind you.

hopeful, so sorry I guess I didn't express myself well enough. You are so right we all deserve to be love and feel love, I just think you shouldn't find it somewhere else. More than life itself I wanted my H to love me and me him, but he still went to the ow. My point was no one can make you loved, you have to love yourself first. I think Texasman wanted someone else to love him, he was down and looked elsewhere for it. I can't say how proud I am of him for seeing that. Texasman you are going to be ok, the honeymoon won't last, so here's your tough part.....would you take her back when the dust settles? You sound really strong and no matter what you will land on your feet. There will be a rainbow for you. If she won't go to counsiling with you, go alone. Its the best thing I have ever done. I found out alot about myself and feel the best I ever have. Not that it wasn't a hard climb and I have scars to show. I hope you know I would want yours and everyone elses marriage to work. But you can't do it alone, thats what is so sad about it all. When you want something so much but the other person can't see it. Good luck to you!

gladimadeit, it's my first day here and I'm gladifoundit... this is so good for me... I work at home alone and this has just been such a boost and to think I might boost someone else a little... I know the reality here and all I can do is "let her go" and live and learn the lessons she needs. Will I be here when/if she returns, I believe so but there are not absolutes.<P>Strength has always been my weakness but somehow, this time, I know... I must be a man I've never been before and hope that somehow she has a change to meet that man when the "dust settles".