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she didn't tell me she wanted a divorce until after the affair, but said that she was thinking about it prior because of our marital difficulties. No papers have been filed. I suggested we end it now and she didn't want to do it because it would get ugly. She wanted to focus on our being friends for a while, but didn't want to work on our relationship as husband and wife because she isn't in love with me anymore. The reason she didn't happen to mention it earlier is because it is a lie. She doesn't want a divorce, she is using that to manipulate you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She did tell me before I found out
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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She did tell me before I found out But just not "prior" to the affair, right? ark, have you personally spoken to the OMW? How do you know she knows anything? Does the OM work at the gym?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She did tell me before I found out Well sure, but the only reason she said she wanted a divorce is because she was involved in an affair...Without the affair, divorce was not on the horizon...that's a WW history rewrite... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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arkhawk,
Are you willing to protect your family by calling the OMW and letting her know the whole truth? She deserves to know AND it would give your family extra insurance of the affair's death...Two sets of eyes watching are far better than one...Will you call the OMW, arkhawk?
Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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ark, when you start reading posts here, you will see all WS say the same thing: "I love you,but am not in love," "I have wanted a divorce for a long time" "I have not been in love for a long time" blah, blah, blah, blah. It is all affalr talk designed to rewrite history to justify the affair. It is what we call FOG TALK. It is the babblings of one who is high on an affair. There is very little difference between a WS and a drunk.
What you have to do is IGNORE the fog talk and stay focused on REALITY. Sure, the marriage was not perfect before the affair, but that does not mean the marriage can't be repaired.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:
Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.
The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.
<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife works at the gym.
He told me he goes at night to avoid her. Which he has done.
The reason they accidentally saw each other was because she got called in for some meeting at night and saw him in passing.
I hope you're right about the divorce talk, gives me a little hope.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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My wife works at the gym.
He told me he goes at night to avoid her. Which he has done.
The reason they accidentally saw each other was because she got called in for some meeting at night and saw him in passing.
I hope you're right about the divorce talk, gives me a little hope. arkhawk... Do you understand that if the OMW knew the truth about her husband's affair with your wife that she would VERY LIKELY require that he quit the gym? Obvious benefit to you and your marriage, no? Will you call the OMW and give her the truth, arkhawk? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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My wife works at the gym.
He told me he goes at night to avoid her. Which he has done.
The reason they accidentally saw each other was because she got called in for some meeting at night and saw him in passing.
I hope you're right about the divorce talk, gives me a little hope. This is hopeless as long as they continue to work together. So the fog will be there as long as they work together. your marriage will NEVER recover. That is like sending a "recovering" alcoholic into the bar every day to sit at the bar and stare at a beer. The beer is always top of mind and eventually the weak moment collides with opportunity and she is off drinking again. It is just a matter of time. How do you know the wife knows about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I understand the no contact thing. It's very hard for me to ensure is happening. Both said that they've committed to it. Maybe they have, but this is a tiny town and everytime a fire truck rolls, here come those thoughts. I am really considering moving.
Also, I have had mixed feelings about telling his wife everything. Sometimes, I wish I knew that it was just an EA and that they never told each other they loved each other. What the other wife knows now has her asking everyone in town, following him around, checking his records/phone, etc. So I think there is a lot of pressure for him to have no contact. He is also wanting his marriage to survive.
Thank you for your advice and support - this is a sudden, unexpected event for me so I've been trying to learn everything possible so I can have the best shot.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Ok, I understand the no contact thing. It's very hard for me to ensure is happening. What do you mean? You KNOW they are in contact, they WORK TOGETHER. THAT IS CONTACT. They cannot work together if you want her to withdraw and want to save your marriage. The drunk cannot go to the bar every day and sober up. Both said that they've committed to it. The "word" of liars is useless. Two falling down drunks who are "committing" to not drinking on the way to the bar??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I get what you are saying. They don't actually work together, she works there, but there is the opportunity for them to see each other if he comes in. Unfortunately, the town is so small, they could accidentally see each other virtually anywhere. That is why I am looking to move.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Ark,
Listen to Mel. She knows what she's writing about. My FWH had to stop going to gym. You have to expose to OMW which would mean possible OM changing gyms. One way or another one of them has to stop being at the same location. Mel is right -your wife is manipulating you - she's baking her cake and eating it too! She wants to hold onto you while she sees what happens with OM. Start NC and expose.
GG (formerly Ggirl615).
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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The OMW can be your best ally in this. She may even have him quit. This will flame back up again.
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Married 11 years. 2 boys 5,7
She told me she wanted a divorce in Jan.
I found out about other person in Feb. arkhawk1, lot of similarities between yours and mine....My wife said the same thing. Wanted divorce and said it had nothing to do with the affair. Amazing waywards for you. It is almost they talk to each other during the affair. Well. We are into 6th month after the d-day. Total NC all along. My wife has gone through severe withdrawl but still is "confused". We still have a long way to go. So far so good. You got good advice here. First of all, without NC, your marriage will NEVER recover. If you have to move to another city, DO IT. Expose the affair immediately. Change your behavior. Looks like you are doing it already. You said you have two kids. Work on improving your relationship with them. Have your wife fill out "Her needs" questionnaire. Start meeting her needs. Kill all love busters. Keep posting.
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To the original question:
when does the fog start to lift? When the no contact starts, during withdrawal, after withdrawal?
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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when does the fog start to lift? I think Michelle answered your question several posts ago: Her withdrawal will last several months after NC is intact. The fog will begin to lift after COMPLETE NC is in place for some time. Every time there is contact (direct or indirect) she goes back to square one. That includes accidental sitings, checking MySpace pages for updates, conversations about him with others, etc.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Also, I have had mixed feelings about telling his wife everything. Sometimes, I wish I knew that it was just an EA and that they never told each other they loved each other. What the other wife knows now has her asking everyone in town, following him around, checking his records/phone, etc. So I think there is a lot of pressure for him to have no contact. He is also wanting his marriage to survive. Do you hear yourself? Why are you sending OMW on a wild goose chase to prove something, the existence of a PA and broken NC, when you are in the KNOW. Good grief, grow a pair already. Maybe you can borrow OMW's. That's just messed up!!!
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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OK, I understand.
Just stated what I was feeling at the time. Of course, my feelings are all over the place (from leaving her high and dry to doing whatever it takes to save the marriage). Not saying I'm an expert or that I really know what to do. Otherwise, I wouldn't be asking for your advice.
By the way, thank you for your input. It is helping me understand what needs to happen.
Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years
Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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