Need some advice. After my FWS affair ended ( 2 relapses of contact)I couldn't take anymore false promises or fake counseling sessions. We called a truce and decided not to talk about it anymore to get through the Holidays. We have slowly laughed and talked about "other things" but not the A. My WS has hurt me more than anything in my entire life ever has. . . we have 3 childeren. The statements he made were verbatum what is posted at the beginning of this forum . . .don't love you, haven't in so many years, not compatible, found common ground with OW etc.etc. I was doing plan A the whole time (without knowing it). OW bailed on him and told her H that he wouldn't stop the contact. Anyways, he was so angry and embarrassed and said that our problems had nothing to do with her. So here we are? Acting as if nothing ever happened. Occasionally the OW's BS calls me or writes to see how everything is going. Apparently they are not doing well (Oh no!). Help I don't know what to do now . . . NC has been in effect since October 08 (I think?)

Has he done a NC letter as prescribed on MB? I'm not sure that you talking to OWH is a good thing right now because no contact should include no contact for you as well. Although, if WH has not been repentent and transparent, you still need to verify.

See, I let my FWH come home under the same kind of circumstances (I didn't know about MB.) Our recovery was slow and painful because we did it "our way". Dr. Harley gives some specific steps to take for recovery. Have you read that article? I'm not sure where it is but maybe someone will come behind me that knows.

Is your WH being transparent? Do you have all his passwords,etc?

I think he tries to be transparent because he leaves his laptop up and cell phone visible. But we have not had any intentional discussions about this. I just can't hear her name anymore. I don't really want to talk to the OW's H but he needed to verify something that came up last week. This is the first time that he has contacted me in 4 months. We always caught them before when we put our heads together. Since they live several states away he was asking about my Ws's travel. I know that my WS had to get all that fantasy stuff off of his mind but honestly how long do I go on like this? At least when I first found out he was devastated and tried to cut ties with her. This time we didn't do any of those dramatic false recovery things!

bump
can someone please give ocean the link to the requirements for Recovery

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage by Dr. Harley

Oceanspray,

Thought I'd stop by your thread and thank you for your comments. I really mean it when I say that I'm glad to say the things that God places on my heart. So, if my words helped you, then I'm blessed.

Now, do A's hurt? Sure they do. You will hear that the pain a BS feels is often worse than the death of a family member. Does the WS know this or feel this? No...most will never know the hurt until (and it will) happens to them.

On my D-day I really felt the "death". I did the exact same things people do when they lose a family member....I grieved. During that grieving process, I floundered all over the place...I cried, I begged, I would have accepted my WW back at any cost. One day, I buried the grief. By that I mean I totally and completely surrendered to God. I had tried all I could do, and God allowed me to. Only when I knew that I could not change my WW, did I surrender and God promised me that He would carry the burden. My wife is in God's hands....no better place for her to be.

I just read this thread and if there is anything that I could say is that I feel you need to maybe take a look at your life and see if there is room for God to carry some of the burden for you. He will, He promised.

It is really hard to do, but you have to find that inner peace and realize no matter what challenge, God is there for you.

My wife most likely will never return. I have found comfort in knowing this ONLY because I LIVE the life that God has for me. I hit my knees every morning and thank Him for being so good to me and my family. The pain goes away and life goes on.

I can only encourage you to share with your S your feelings and could encourage you to find a quiet place and PRAY with your husband TOGETHER. I mean talk to God.....it will be the most intimate moments of your life.

God Bless and I will add you and your H to my prayer list.

Just catching up . . . thanks "kickme" for your kindwords. I now know that it's not the end of the world even though at times it felt like it! I will take your advice and trust God more than before. I don't know what I was waiting for! I hope you are doing better today.

Take Care!

OS, you probably are not going to make it unless you do something to recover your marriage. Just sweeping it all under the rug is a recipe for disaster. The problems in your marriage that led to the affair have to be changed. The CONDITIONS that enabled him to lead a secret second life have to be changed or this will happen again. Your marriage cannot recover and cannot be affair proofed unless you do some work. It is not going to happen by osmosis.

If I were you, I would sign up for a Marriage Builders weekend and go through their whole program. They will guide you through a whole series of lessons that will result in a recovered marriage. Dr Harley and his staff lead the whole program. You would have daily access to Dr Harley on the weekend forum.

Here is a link that gives the down and dirty of what has to happen in order to recover your marriage - excerpt from Requirements for Recovery:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

entire article here

This is great that you are comparing notes with the OWH! The way to affair proof your marriage is to a) never spend the night apart again and create complete transparency and b) create a romantic relationship TOGETHER.

That is what recovery should look like, OS. Do you like Ocean Spray?

I understand but I don't think he is ready. I asked him one morning last week . . . "do you think we can start working on our marriage?" He said he didn't want to get into all of that stuff again and maybe I should start working on myself. He said that he wants to keep things as simple as possible. This was my suggestion a few months ago when I was at the end of my emotional rope. He said that we should focus on the present and the future, not dwell on what has happened in the past. He has said before that I never believed that he wanted to change things about himself. When he made those changes I got mad and refused to accept them. So "away we go"!

I would let him know that you agree that you need to focus on the present and the future. And then show him your plan.

Its not that he is not READY, its just that he wants to sweep things under the rug. That won't work, OS. You will have to let him know that you are willing to stay in the marriage as long as there is a plan of recovery to make sure this doesn't happen again. Just let him know that sweepng things under the rug will not work for you and will not result in a recovered marriage.

Remember, it is up to you to protect your boundaries, OS. And if he won't participate in any recovery, you will damn yourself to a death of a thousand cuts and a life of hell. Are you willing to do that?

OS, I would ask him what he is willing to do to earn your trust and fix the marriage? Let him know you are willing to give him an opportunity to EARN your forgiveness and your trust, but he must show some ACTION.

Show him this article about the folly of "just forgetting" and moving on: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

. . .I probably could do that but I fear he won't want to do that. I read so many books and psycho-babble, went to counseling and he hated all that. I just don't know if he is waiting for the OW's M to fail or not? I hate being a fence-sitter but I'm just starting to feel a bit more relaxed. He travels for work and so he has to keep doing that. I hate being so indecisive! . . . and emotionally numb.

Don't you fear living like this more? Or are you willing to stay in your marriage under these conditions?


No he does not. Unless he is an endentured servant bound by law to the chains of slavery, he does not have to keep doing that.

I am sorry you choose to live like this, OS. Just know that you are willing to tolerate crumbs, that is exactly what you will get.

I understand your point and conceed that I am better than that. My H has to keep working to support our lifestyle and where we have chosen to educate our children. I would never want to change that for them. They deserve a good education and the travel give me some space. I know that I am settling a bit but not everyone has a great marriage. The potential is there but I'm just not sure??

We have a beautiful home, granite in the kitchen and bathrooms, a huge luscious yard. We live well.
But, you know what ocean, after D-Day I would have lived in a shack back in the bush with dirt floors if it would have meant being happy.

And, I would give up whatever it would take to prevent this from ever happening again.

You are settling for crumbs.

Eventually, you will be starved to death.

All Blessings,
Jerry

On the other hand he is not worth me living in a shack with dirt floors. Sorry but my family is better than that and I will not settle for downgrading my lifestyle. It's up to him now. If he wants to redeem himself then he will and if he doesn't then I will have to cope.

Seriously?

WOW....that sounds terribly superficial to me.

Are you marriage minded or lifestyle minded?

committed

That thought will not serve you well at all. But it's your choice which kind of he}} you will accept to live in.

All Blessings,
Jerry