Thats right. And you have to keep in mind that when you VOLUNTEER to stay in a bad situation you are no longer a victim. Some people seem to forget that. I would just point out that he seems perfectly with the status quo. He has no motivation to change.

Another thing to consider is that your husbands traveling job is an INVITATION to an affair. Your H is very high risk for a repeat affair because a) he is detached from you, b) unhappy in his marriage c) has lots of opportunities since he travels and d) his marriage never recovered from the last affair. You have already seen that his lifestyle leads to this, so changing nothing will likely lead to more affairs.

Since he is out sampling the population, aren't you concerned he will find something he likes better?

What if the next time the OW DOES NOT cut him off as this one did and he decides to replace you?

Where do you think you will be? I assure you that your strategy is the most likely to result in the end of your marriage, OS and the loss of your standard of living. Can you sustain your standard of living if you get divorced?

Well at the present time this is where I am. Emotionallly numb and feeling pretty resigned to what has happened. I fought so hard for so long and just feel so defeated. I'm not superficial just realistic. I don't want my children to suffer over this. I have tried to approach him to work on the marriage but he doesn't want to.

Surely not in my happy shack.

Ocean,
You do realize that you will be at risk for an A yourself after living for years in an unhappy M?

Lifestyle and good schools will not always make children happy.
Loving parents in a loving home, no matter what kind of home, will do the trick.

I know that but my children are happy and thriving and that makes up for what I have gone through. I don't know what approach to use with my H? He literally shut me down a few weeks ago when I asked him to work on our M. I can't force this on him??

I don't know what approach to use with him? He doesn't want to go into conflict again??

They won't be too happy when your marriage ends in divorce because nothing was ever done to repair the damage and affair proof your marriage. Your "status quo" is a false recovery that consists of nothing more than an end to one affair. You are putting a band aid on a deep, infected, flesh wound.

What do you want?

I want to know if it is fair to say I want to save our M when I am so unsure? If I express this to him then he is going to say then don't Rock the Boat!

Is this the only way that he intimidates you?

What do you mean? The only way?

Don't rock the boat or 'what' will happen?

Do you see WH as intimidating in your M? Is it just verbal?

I was never intimidated by him before the A. But during the A. he started to be threatening because he didn't want me to expose the A to the OW's H. I held on for a few months. If I rock the boat then we will be back into fighting again. He doesn't want to go into that mode again. I just don't know what my approach should be. Actually I am away at the beach right now and have been gone a week. I will be returning home tomorrow night late. He is leaving the next day for a biz trip. I'm not sure if I will be able to make any statements to him in that short of a time.? Any suggestions?

I totally agree. I'd live in the backarsewards rainforest with an outhouse if it meant falling in love again and trusting my spouse.

I just reread your thread ocean, it's not too long, why don't you reread the suggestions given and the link given for R. I understand WH doesn't want to do any work, I get that.

I'm not sure when the next MB weekend is, but why don't you phone them for a few counseling sessions.

Have you read SAA and HNHN?

My H is not on board w/ MB but I talked to Steve on Wednesday and he helped me put together a plan that will move us some steps forward--and hopefully get him to talk w/ Steve at some point. In the meantime though, he recommended I put some stuff in writing which I did and I am sending it tonight. I think regardless of our outcome, it will be well received. I tell you this because I think an hour with the Harleys--even if it's only you--is an hour well spent.

Our House - Is your plan working? I have started a dialogue about the concepts and my FWS was more receptive. I think it's because I went to the beach for a week without him and it gave both of us time to think? Let me know. Thanks!

OS, so far so good. If you can stomach spending the time to read my entire thread on EN (letter to H), you can see the agony I went through before he left town, my call to Steve and how my H responded.

Basically, he's not going to go back to counseling--MC or IC--he says he's done with having his head shrunk. I can respect that. He also said he doesn't want to read books for websites. So I took the bull by the horns and just assumed total responsibility for MY 50% of this. On Steve's suggestion, I qualified and added accountability checks for the things I said I was going to change.

In talking to him, or emailing with him, I am simply holding to MB concepts whether or not he fully realizes it. I don't throw the words "marriage builders" in his face, but I've told him that in trying to do something about the state of my happiness, I came across a philosophy that I could get behind and that made a lot of sense and that I was going to start practicing--from this day forward.

So I don't "lingo" him. I filled out the LB questionnaire from his perspective and then sent him that email telling him how I was holding myself accountable for XYZ (Steve's recommendation). I have made sure that he is aware if he wants to find out more about Marriage Builders or he wants to follow up and talk to a MB trained professional, that I am happy to guide him.

So far so good. As I said, you can get the details on my thread.

That's good. You found something to do for you and if he gets on board fine. I am sort of on that same page and working to show him that I am in tune with his ENs as well. He has a lot of Pride getting in the way. I feel the fog lifting more and more each week. He made some strides while I was away with friends and neighbors which was good because he did it on his own. The best thing about MB so far is that I can really come to grips with all of the things he said while in the relationship with the OW. Both during the PA and the EA. I never felt so humiliated when he said those things to me. I will catch up on your thread when I have more time.

OceanSpray, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am to read of your situation. It must be so hard for you to live like this. You're getting tough advice but nevertheless it is good advice, just very hard for you to implement. I understand your reluctance to make any decision that may adversely impact on your children's lives.

The harsh truth though is that your H's behaviour, your reluctant acceptance of it, and the likelihood of future inappropriate behaviour from your H will hurt them anyway.

I'm sure you've read a lot on the site, so you'll know the real reason your H does not want to enter into any discussion about the A. He either has a VERY misguided notion of wanting to protect you, and to avoid conflict with you, or is so detached from the marriage that he sees no point in going over the why's of the A and in trying to heal you.

If he is detached from the marriage, then doing nothing is simply not an option for you because you are just delaying the inevitable. He will eventually find another AP and you'll go through the hurt and devastation all over again. Your 3 children will be older and you will be less able to shield them from the fallout.

If detachment is the issue, then you need to work out how to get him back in and attached to you. How did you act at the beginning of your relationship that made him fall in love and marry you? Would he respond to a love letter from you?

I'm sending you big hugs because your situation sounds horrible. I can't imagine how I would feel if my FWH didn't show remorse and I also couldn't imagine not being able to discuss my FWH's A with him.

I hope you can take positive action to sort this out.