hello all. I've just registered in the face of a marital crisis. Some background...

I'm 31 and my wife is 27. We've been together for 4 years and married for 2 of those. During all of this time, we've lived together when we are together. I'm American and she's French; we've spent plenty of time traveling from country to country. We've just finished a year trip in Latin America and decided to take some alone time working on different farms in New Mexico before we go back to TX. A sort of existential decompression

When we said good-bye, we were great, in a better spot than we had been in a while. After a year traveling together, we had had our fill of Quality Time. All that time brought up issues of doubts, insecurities and worries about the true nature of us. Are we 'meant' to be together? Is she the 'right' one? These kinds of things. But our last stop in Mexico had seen us rise above those and accept, once again, our marriage as the right place to be.

At her farm, she met another man. She didn't become physically involved with him, but she did admit to a strong spiritual and emotional connection. This is something that I wouldn't normally have a problem with, but this time it has brought up more questions. We haven't even talked, the best we could do so far is an online chat session where she explained things to me as best as she could.

Basically she said that marriage felt "too tight" to her. She wants to be independent. She's not sure if she still loves me. Last night she said she wanted a break, to try being single for a while and see how she felt without me in her life. We've agreed not to make any final decisions about the state of our marriage before we see each other again. When that will be is up in the air. We are highly nomadic people.

I come here for support and advice. I'm looking at many issues, wondering about co-dependency, or what level of dependency is 'healthy' in a marriage. How do you balance commitment and independence? How do you ward off the habitual patterns, the routines of behaviour and speech that stagnate?

Thanks

Well welcome aboard dennislee,

I have to say I see huge warning flags in your relationship...

1st of all I personally could not accept a marriage relationship where we "take a break and are single for a while"
That's a ticket to have an affair with who ever she likes...It will be with that guy if it has't happened all ready...

2nd you need to pack up and get you butt standing on front of her tommrow let her know your commited to your relationship and that you love her.... If she hasn't had an physical affair yet she is in danger of one.......

3rd. I would get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it. It talks about emotional affairs and that they are just as bad as an physical affair....

Wow...

I don't know what an emotional affair is, but it sounds terrible. My wife has made a connection with someone else, if our relationship wasn't there, she probably would have taken it to the the next step. I accept that and am okay with that. I trust my wife when she tells me that there was no physical interaction.

And yes, I do know that we've opened the door for an affair to occur. And for some reason I'm okay with that. I don't want it to happen, but she's expressed to me that she needs this freedom right now. I don't want to tell her 'no', to manipulate her, or convince her not to. Perhaps, it means the end, perhaps not. I don't know. But I believe putting my 'foot down' wouldn't help her feeling of being 'too tight.' This is all conjecture, of course. We don't have much contact due to the remoteness of her situation.

As for showing up at her doorstep, which is a logistical nightmare at this point due to the lack of a vehicle and the aforementioned remoteness of her situation, that doesn't feel right. My heart tells me that she needs time and space right now. We've spent so much time together over the past year, that our lives have merged into one life. And that kinda freaks her out. It kinda freaks me out, too. Today, I realized my own need for redefinition and how much easier it will be without all that energy going into an 'us'.

I think a healthy marriage is based on two different people coming together, maintaining their individuality and a degree of their independence, and building something else with that support. I don't think it's about 2 people coming together and having one life. That's were we are right now. Not enough space between our lives, not enough 'my' things to do or 'her' friends to chat with. Does that make sense? Does anyone else have an opinion about showing up at her doorstep?

Thanks for the reply and the reference to the book. I'll look into it.

How do you foster growth in a committed monogamous relationship?

Can someone explain the abbreviations in the signatures? I seem to be especially obtuse today.

there is a list of abbreviations some where on the site I couldn't find it.....
for me it means...
BS betrayed spouse and I'm 51 now
WS wayward spouse
I have 4 kids
DS darling son
DD darling daughter
D-day affair discovery date ( I have 2 under my belt)

It sounds like you both want to be 'married singles'. That can work if both parties want the same thing, but as I see it, it takes marriage and makes it NOTHING but a legal agreement that you get my stuff when I die. Oh, and you also get to make medical decisions for me should I be close to dying.

You can do that with a simple will. No need to call it 'marriage'.

Would she be okay with you having an affair? If neither of you care if the other sleeps around, then just part ways already. Marriage is a commitment, and neither of you is taking that seriously.

Thank you for your response.

I am taking my commitment very seriously, but not more seriously than my love for my partner. I have no intention nor desire to sleep around or to be a married single. If I somehow gave you that impression, I apologize.

When I say that I'm okay with my wife having loving experiences with other people, I say it out of love for her. I'm doing my best to experience my love for her outside the realm of possession. I understand that seeking love outside of our committed relationship does harm to that commitmment, but if she feels that's what she needs to do, how can I force her not to? I feel that if I wave our marriage in her face, and convince her not to do it because she's married to me, then I'll only be facing this same issue later down the road. Basically, she's having 2nd thoughts about the commitment and it's up to her to decide what's best for her.

Believe me, I've expressed to her how I feel, how I feel about our commitment, our marriage, our love. I know my spouse very well and I trust her very much. I don't trust her to do what's best for me in all circumstances, but most. I do trust her to honor herself, her evolution, and her growth as an individual before anything else because marriage is a coming together of 2 individuals. And if those individuals stop being individuals, that's not healthy. And that's what's happening, I think, she needs to redefine herself as an individual.

Again, how do you foster growth in a committed monogamous relationship?

So you're willing to sit and wait while she decides whether she wants to be married or not? How...doormatty of you.


You do it together. Read up on the policy of joint agreement here on the site (POJA). You seem to be thinking that being married is like a yoke around ya'll's necks, stifling any individuality. You can do whatever you want within a marriage, so long as it has the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse. And by enthusiastic, I don't mean, "Well, she's gonna do it anyway, so why try to stop her?"

I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for being cheated on, repeatedly, because the minute she gets bored, she'll head out the door for some excitement, knowing you'll still be there like a big Welcome mat when she decides to return to you.

IF she decides to return to you.

Oh, and I should warn you: this site is fairly Christian-based, and has a goal of more traditional marriages. So you'll hear from people like me, who think that your new-ageish type of marriage is a bit risky.

Here's a fantastic thread about the roles of Husbands and Wives that really speaks to the goals of this board:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2176651&page=1

It's long, but some of it is chit-chat and bumps. Just make sure you read Mortarman's posts.

I give this to you, because this may not be the place for you. I highly doubt you will find anyone here who supports you sitting by while your wife cavorts with another man, in another state.

Wow, thanks for brining some important points up. While, I don't appreciate the name-calling, I am going to focus on your message and its merits.

About sitting and waiting...yes, I am willing to do that. I wouldn't feel right if I manipulated her back to me. I believe God granted humankind the power of Free Will. Who am I to try to impose my will on hers? I don't buy into the roles as outlined in the link you gave me. I trust that God will bring into my life that which I most need and the same for my wife. Now, what if this moment is a test of faith for her? She'll be much more powerful if she decides for herself than if she's got me there whispering in her ear. Can you see my point?

I must admit that your post has brought up questions on my strategy. My heart tells me that waiting, giving her space to figure out what she wants is the way to go, but my mind tells me to get in her face about it, perhaps with an ultimatum? I don't know. For the record, she's not cavorting around with anyone. I've asked her and trust her when she says that she hasn't.

What do you know, I'm a Christian too! And with and open mind!

lol..sorry about the doormatty thing. I assume that's what you're talking about re:name-calling. I would never call YOU a doormat, but I will point out when your actions assume the same actions as one.

Ultimatums are never a good idea. Boundaries are. If you are comfortable with the position you are in now, then who's to say that it's wrong? I'm assuming that you're not all that comfortable right now, or you wouldn't be seeking advice. It's all about deciding what you want in your life.

If my husband wanted to take some time off to go find himself, I'd show him the door and let him know I would be looking for someone a bit less flighty in character. But that's me.

I have another link for you, meant tongue-in-cheek, about situations somewhat like this.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=012315

So I've just talked with my wife and she's going off to find herself. It's a serious separation right now and I'm oddly at peace with it. The future is uncertain, but it always is.

If your husband needs to go out and find himself, why would you not support him? Human development is not a stagnant thing and time alone is essential to healthy growth.

Because I need him to support and nurture this big ole family we've got. The time to 'find himself' was before he took on that responsibility. Kids don't just raise themselves while their parents flounder around, finding themselves.

Sorry about your separation.

Wow.

Um...because you two went together to a JP or some such and made a vow to love ONLY each other? Therefore, either of you looking for meeting Emotional Needs by someone else is lying? Or cheating? And most obviously NOT loving?

Let us know how the divorce goes. The one you get after she tells you the truth about her and that other guy.

dennislee, if you feel up to it, why don't you head over to the infidelity board (General Questions II) and post your tale. What your wife is telling you is the classic wayward script. There are things you can do if you want to save your marriage, and they can help you there.

Wow, some of the responses on this forum are so surprisingly hostile. What good Christians!

I don't expect anyone here to understand what we're going through. Sure separation is a common thing, but the nomadic life that we live isn't, and believe me it brings a whole other bag of challenges to deal with. I trust my wife. She said that nothing happened with the other man and I believe her. If you don't, fine, but please have the respect to keep it to yourself. She needs to learn how to be an independent woman in the world, to go out and discover. And she goes with my blessing. And why? Because I love her!

We will meet again in some months and we will see where things are from there. There's not much more that I feel right doing. I might be able to weasel around enough so that she comes back, but what good would that do? I believe strongly in a person's Freedom of Choice!!

Canwemakeit,

Yeah, a family to support is a great reason to have issues with your man leaving to find himself.

Good-bye

Then why did you come here?

It's not hostility, it's experience. You are confusing selfishness with free will. Or free will with selfishness. You would not believe the number of people who come here with claims that their situation is 'unique', but when it comes to breaking marriage vows, the situations are all quite the same, and they start with selfish entitlement.

dennislee, being Christian is not the same thing as not trying to point out possible errors in your judgment. You came here for advice; you're getting it. Unfortunately, it doesn't agree with you.

My opinions are based on human nature, and psychology. You can posit all you want that you trust her, but human nature will not follow your thinking. It will tell you that placing her in such a situation will make her forget about you, and start liking this other guy. Just like it has already started doing.

Your nomadic existence has nothing to do with human nature and what your wife is likely to do once she is 'set free.'

Sorry if you don't like the straightforward method used here to get you to be more open-minded about your situation. But the bottom line is that, in 99.5% of all scenarios, you will end up divorced. Or sharing your wife with other men.

I'll pray for you, that you are that 0.05%.

There are other options besides letting her go free, without consideration for your own feelings, and totally manipulating her, without consideration of her feelings. As already stated, the idea in a marriage is to come up with solutions to problems that make you both happy. Is it possible that you two could find a lifestyle that meets both your needs...together? You don't have to be tied at the hip 24/7 or never see each other again.

Also, regardless of how nomadic the two of you are, I doubt she ca be all that excited about a husband who will let her just walk away without a fight. If I had an emotional attachment to some other woman, and my W didn't seem to care, I would not think that much of my W, nor think that she really cares that much for me.

All I can say is don't put up with that period. I am glad your wife could be honest enough to tell you these things. However I wonder if she realizes how much she has put your M in jeopardy. A woman who bonds emotionally with another man is a disaster waiting to happen. If you want to save the marriage she has to break off all contact with her emotional friend. I'm not trying to scare you, but I think that the others on this board will tell you the same thing...they might just sugar-coat it a little more.